A lighter look at the news

No sooner had the two Korean leaders clasped hands (no ordinary clasping of hands but full on entwined fingers) and had given each other coy sideways glances, then some deluded people started whispering the 'N' word and Donald Trump in the same breadth.

Yes, there were suggestions that Trump could possibly be bestowed with the Nobel Peace prize. I am sure he blushed a deeper shade of orange when he heard that.

However, Trump being Trump, he couldn't help himself. He withdrew the USA from the hard fought Iran Nuclear Deal and has, I am assuming, put paid to his chances of getting the Nobel Peace Prize (if he had a chance in the first place).

However, all is not lost. In view of the Golden Shower rumours, he could still get the not-so-Noble Piss Prize.

Back in April, Tom Markle Jnr., Meghan's big brother, was so incensed at not receiving an invite to the Royal Wedding, he dipped his pen in poisoned ink, and fired off a spiteful little open letter to Prince Harry. 

He said some pretty awful things about his sister and proceeded to urge Harry to call off the wedding as it would be 'the biggest mistake in Royal Wedding History'.

That letter achieved a few things but calling off the wedding wasn't one of them. It did achieve an understanding as to why she did not invite her siblings in the first place.

Mission unaccomplished, Tom Markle Jnr. decided to change tack. This time, the pen was dipped into ink overflowing with remorse and sycophancy, not to mention pleading.

Pleeeeease, pleeeeease Meghan, may we come to your wedding? Pleeeeeease, we're the only family you have. (You may have guessed that I am para phrasing).

Well, you may be the only family she has, but a family with no loyalty is worse than no family at all. Besides, she has Harry now.
Good luck to them next Saturday.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter look at the news

Kanye West decided to do his bit for gun control. Like his alter ego, Jesus Christ, he decided to embrace humility and claim to have a 'hero' (other than Donald Trump).

To this end, he tweeted a picture of Emma Gonzalez with the caption: 'My hero, Emma Gonzalez'. 

He must've been so overcome with his grand gesture as he waited in anticipation, for an effusive and gushing thank you of simpering disbelief. He waited in vain.

Cue, grand gesture number two. Mr. West shaved his head to emulate his hero's shaved look. He tweeted a pic of  himself in all his shiny pate glory, with the caption,'inspired by Emma'. 

This time there was a response - Ms Gonzalez tweeted a similar 'My hero' captioned picture.

Alas! The pic was not of Kanye. It was, deservedly, of James Shaw Jr. the man who tackled and disarmed the  suspected mass shooter  in the Waffle House Restaurant in Tennessee, with his little daughter.

Awww, nothing worse than unrequited hero worship. Never mind Kanye, I am sure you and your  bruised ego will bounce right back, after you have dipped into that dragon energy you share with your 'brother' Donald.


Amber turned to red and the Cabinet is now Rudderless. I apologise, I can't help myself sometimes.

Sajid Javid has replaced Amber Rudd as Britain's Home Secretary. Sadiq Khan of course is London's Mayor. The two have similar sounding first names, similar Asian backgrounds and are close in age. Something tells me, they may well become the Ant and Dec of politics.

Bruno rocked up to the start of  Dancing with the Stars wearing a come hither look and an outfit that can only be described as mutton dressed as baby zebra. Oh dear! Someone give the man a cloak.


In the meanwhile Germaine Greer appeared on ITV's 'This Morning,' dressed age appropriately, in other words, mutton dressed as mutton.

She managed to annoy a lot of people with her opinion on the upcoming Royal Wedding. She said and I quote, 'I don't want to be the wicked witch. If I say that I think she will bolt, I'm probably saying I hope she will bolt.'

If you are not intellectually predicting it but emotionally willing it, that by definition makes you a wicked witch GG.

Also, she appears to be turning her coat on the Sisterhood, claiming that the #metoo and timesup movements are filled with whingeing band wagon jumpers.

I am sure that is true of some women (as there will always be, regardless of gender) but to tar everyone with the same brush is ridiculous and highly insensitive. 

To add insult to horrible injury, she holds the men who have been at the receiving end of sexual harassment, up as shining examples of non advantage takers.

What rock was she residing under  when Cliff Richard was falsely accused by a man? 

I wonder what item of clothing she'll chose to burn this time, to show her support for men - her Granny knickers perhaps? Mind you, they might serve as a blanket and put the fire out instead.

Until next week, try and keep it light.

A lighter look at this week's news

I was pleasantly surprised (and relieved) to see that Melania Trump can actually smile, albeit, it took a French Emmanuel to achieve this miracle.

In fact, she positively beamed on occasion during the Macrons' visit to the US and was ever so slightly coquettish, when the French President held her hand for a beat longer than necessary.

Unfortunately, also beaming and being quite coquettish with Macron, was her husband and it appeared to be reciprocated. But then again, you don't get to bear the name Emmanuel and not attempt to love everyone....saints, sinners, buffoons... the lot.

Talking of buffoons, Kanye West was probably including me as part of the 'mob', when he tweeted, 'The mob cannot make me not love him (Trump)'.

Now, this may come as a huge shock to you (and your ego) Mr. West, but I, for one, have no intention of stopping your love fest with Trump. In fact, I have a suggestion.

Since both of you are no strangers to reality shows, why not start one and call it 'Doh West', although, 'Carry on Trumping' would probably be a more apt title.

Pleasant surprise number two came when Melania smiled again! This time at Barbara Bush's funeral. Ironic, that most of the time she looks like she is  attending a funeral (or sucking a lemon or tangerine) but when she actually attends a funeral, she smiles!

I am being slightly disingenuous, it's not as if she was beaming through the whole service; it was when past Presidents and First Ladies (and a lady photo bomber) posed for a photograph.

I found that photograph fascinating - first of all, you had smiley Melania (possibly brought on by the absence of a certain President) with her arm around Michelle Obama's waist.

Then there was George Bush, with one arm around his wife, Laura and the other around Hillary Clinton, who was smiling delightedly.

Never mind that her hubby appeared to be relegated to the background - he might as well have kept the photo bomber lady company (unless her name was Monica Lewinsky, of course).



DJ Chris Evans recently claimed that our Queen (Elizabeth II) loves ABBA and that her favourite song is 'Dancing Queen'. That is a relief. Being the cynic that I am, I had a sneaky suspicion that it might be 'God Save the Queen'.

I am talking about the official version of course, not the Johnny Rotten version. It would be of serious concern if that was her favourite.

Another titbit to appear is that she doesn't like garlic. Why is that a surprise to anyone? One would not want one's breath to smell while one meets and talks to important people.

Now, One, who blogs to important people (and can therefore love and eat garlic) has to bid one goodbye and implore one to try and keep it light until next week (but if one gets tempted, one should indulge in moderation).

A lighter look at the news

Queen Elizabeth II celebrated her 92nd Birthday and a grateful nation had a concert in her honour, to say thank you Ma'am. 

Somehow, while inviting artists to perform at the said concert, the organisers appeared to forget in whose honour it was supposed to be.

Now, I am not suggesting that we are the kind of family that sit together and watch programs like these, but it happened that we were at my Mother-in-Law's, sitting around the dining table, when the program came on.

Blissfully, it was something we could all watch and, my girls in particular, were relieved that they  did not have to squirm at the goings on, on the TV, whilst Grandma was in the room, as has happened on previous occasions.

At one point, the presenter, Zoe Ball, squealed and enthused with delight, 'the next artist has come all the way from Toronto, Canada (for those of us who don't know where Toronto is). Shawn Mendes!'

I wish he had stayed in Toronto, Canada. I almost fell asleep in my soup by the time he'd finished his song. Then there was Anne Marie (I am going to pretend that I knew who she was).

She was dressed in a green and white polka dot outfit, not unlike a  50's Stepford wife, ready for a day at the beach. I would like to say she was more entertaining that Mr Mendes, but I can't, because she wasn't.

Then, the unlikely alliance of Sting and Shaggy. At least Mr. Boombastic woke us up, although not in a good way where Elizabeth Regina is concerned, I fear.

Not sure the Birthday girl wanted to hear Mr. Lover, Lover inform her that he was smooth as silk and had great sexual physique and  was well built.

I held my breadth for his next song and was mightily relieved that he did not choose to let her Majesty know what he did on the bathroom floor with the girl next door. 

The Queen probably thought that was it, but little did she know that Craig David was about to pop up, telling her all about this 24 year old girl (rub it in with the 92 year old, why don't you) he met on Monday, who he took out for a drink on Tuesday and guess what they did on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

Not something you should be bragging about to someone old enough to be your Grandma, Craig. It doesn't matter that you chilled on Sunday. I don't think she cares - she is still recovering from what you did on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

No wonder she looked quite grim most of the time. She only appeared to crack a smile when Laura Mvula hit her high notes. And when Alfie Boe finished his song, I thought I lipread her saying something complimentary to the person sitting next to her. Can't remember who it was, someone Royal would be my guess.

Guess who Donald Trump's been tweeting against this week? I don't think you'll need more than one guess, but then again, we are talking Trump's tweets, so you might need some help.

It is the former FBI Chief, Mr Comey, who gave his first interview since leaving the White House and what he had to say (shock, horror) wasn't pleasant.

He alleged that Donald Trump treats women like pieces of meat (I never would have guessed) and that he lies consistently (knock me down with a feather why don't you).

Formidable linguist that he is, Trump dipped into his vast vocabulary, to come up with the most sophisticated  insult he could think of - 'Slimeball'!

Mr Comey is probably still reeling and doesn't know what hit him...but then again perhaps he does.... a slimeball!

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter look at the news

Poor Mariah Carey experienced the fright of her life recently, when she was booked into a $30 a night hostel in Barcelona. Turns out, it was to do with some advert she was sponsoring.

She was appeased to discover that the room had a specially fitted cocktail bar and an en-suite bathroom. Thanks heavens for that - I can imagine Mimi demanding a jewel encrusted, bespoke commode, if there wasn't one.

Anyway, Mariah was so taken by the novelty, she said, 'It was fabulous. Give Hostels a go!' 

Well, Mimsie dear, it may come as a surprise to you, but as it happens, most of us have experienced $30 hostels. However, really glad you enjoyed it so much. Btw, good plug - HostelWorld must be very pleased.

I am a little concerned that the longer Donald Trump is the President of the US, the more he is beginning to believe that he is the Country itself, rather than its top representative.

I am talking about his reaction to the FBI's search of the premises of the lawyer who allegedly paid Stormy Daniels.
Mr.Trump tweeted that it was a 'disaster' for the country.

To give him the benefit of the doubt, he may have meant that if incriminating evidence was found (it would be 'fake' obviously), he may have been forced to resign and that would be a disaster.

I agree, if that happened there is a possibility it may have been a disaster- America may have run out of Champagne!

As it happens, nothing was found and the 'disaster' was averted. The future is still Orange.

Another of my concerns is that Theresa May is stooping her shoulders more and more these days. You know me - I am all heart, so I have a suggestion.

Just like most athletes listen to their favourite inspirational song before an important match or track event, I suggest Tay May do the same. Once again, being generous of heart, I have done the research and have come up with the perfect song.

All she has to do is just fit in her earplugs before those pesky Brexit talks and feel the strength and stability return.

ps. If the 'English Man' is Tony Blair, do us all a favour Mrs. May and grant his request - just make sure you're wearing six inch Stilettos! 

We know that Jesus Christ forgave his enemies, even when experiencing the most excruciating pain while being crucified. Now, if you are a Labour supporter, you will be touched to learn that  Jeremy Corbyn is big on forgiveness too.

Our modern day JC has said, and I quote, 'I forgive them. It's ok, I've got over it.' What terrible suffering did they inflict on him, that warranted that grand gesture of forgiveness?

They are Camden Council who turned down his application to be a trainee Social Worker, way back in 1969! Well Mr Corbyn may have forgiven you, Camden Council, but I bet there are lots of others who haven't. 

Until next week, try and keep it light! 

A lighter look at Stating the Obvious

Have you ever wondered why we waste so much of our time, energy, and words on some of the things we say? Perhaps not, but, unfortunately,  I do. So, lucky you, I've decided to write about it.

Just in case you're wondering what on earth I am talking about, let me paint a scenario. You've returned from a holiday, very relaxed, possibly a little smug. You then bump into an acquaintance.

'You're back from your holiday?' they ask. 'No', you think sarcastically, 'didn't want to end the holiday, so I sent my double.'

Of course, to their face, you say 'Yes!' enthusiastically and proceed to give unasked for details, whilst your acquaintance's eyes glaze over and they wish you indeed had sent your double and were still in Hawaii or where ever else you'd been to.

Another example, is someone saying, 'Don't mean to stick my nose in'. Well, good old Pinocchio is definitely lying and has every intention of sticking their nose in.

I am sure most of us would love to say, 'Didn't think for a minute that you were going to. Thank you for your consideration'. 

Instead we suffer through some well intended but hardly original, advice.

Yet another one is, 'Don't take offence but...'. Loosely translated, that means 'Brace yourself because I am about to offend you'. Unfortunately, I can be at the receiving end of those words, particularly when my girls' are critiquing my outfit and/or make up.

So, sometimes, I guess, it can be genuine. Far be it for me to cause embarrassment by making the wrong choice of outfit or make up before I leave the house.

Mind you, talking about leaving the house, I was about to go shopping the other day, when my eldest requested that I buy a new drink - Mango flavoured Coke (I know).

Just as I was about to step out, I got another reminder. 'Please don't forget the Coke'. For her sake, I wish she'd stopped there. Unfortunately, she added, 'only if they've got it'.

Well, this is my daughter, so I replied, 'I will try my best to get it, even if they don't have it!' She harrumphed her displeasure but didn't say anything (must've really wanted to try that drink quite badly).

Just before shutting the door, I poked my head in and called out, 'no offence!'

A lighter look at the week

Apparently, Bake Off's 52 year old Paul Hollywood is dating a woman 30 years his junior. Just to confirm, in case your Maths is not up to scratch, he is dating a 22 year old woman. 

Apparently, Mr. Blue Eyes met her at a pub where she worked as a barmaid and where he'd gone to arrange a surprise party for his then wife. 

I'm sure that wasn't the kind of 'surprise' his wife was looking forward to.  Nevertheless, let it be a lesson to all of us. 

If you know that your husband is arranging a surprise party (and you will always know, there isn't a man alive who is canny enough to pull off a surprise party for his wife without her knowing) make sure it is at your home, where trust worthy family and friends are involved - not 22 year old barmaids.

An added bonus is that you will be clued in and can work on your Oscar winning 'very pleasantly surprised' facial expression and reaction.

But then again, not many husbands are millionaire celebrity bakers  with piercing blue eyes, that manage to hypnotise 22 year old women, so you are probably safe in a pub or restaurant. Less tidying and washing up to do.

The one that (almost) got away.....

Very occasionally, I get bitten by the 'clean up' bug. I cannot emphasise the 'very' that preceded the occasionally. However, I did get bitten, which proved very unfortunate timing for the little potato (Steve McQueen) pictured above.

From what I can gather, Mr McQueen wasn't keen on ending up in one of my curries, casseroles or as a perfectly crisped up roast potato. So he forged a plan.

He retreated to the further-est corner in my vegetable cupboard and cooked up his Great Escape.

He grew appendages, although I am unsure whether he intended to morph into a spider or an octopus. Possibly the former, as there would be better opportunity to crawl out of my cupboard rather than swim out of it.

To cut a short story even shorter, Stevie Mac (as I affectionately called him during our 10 minute acquaintance), is now happily rotting in peace in my compost bin.

Talking of potato heads, Greg Wallace  has managed to annoy a whole nation and no, it's not Britain, he has been doing that to us for years. It's Malaysia.

Greg was scathing on MasterChef, while critiquing a Rendang cooked by a lady of Malaysian origin.

On the off chance that you reside under a rock and only come out to read my blog (I flatter myself) and you haven't heard of 'MasterChef', it is a cooking program on  TV. 

Participants jump through culinary hoops in a bid to win the 'MasterChef' title.

In Britain, there are two 'Judges', one is a chef called John Torode and the other....how can I put this politely - I can't, so I won't - is a glorified greengrocer called Greg Wallace.

As the show has gone from strength to strength, so has Mr. Wallace's ego and facial contortions.

Coming back to the incident that sparked a nation's fury,  a contestant cooked a Rendang (chicken - or any other meat - stewed in coconut milk and spices). Mr W took one bite and declared that the skin wasn't 'crispy'. 

Unfortunately, he did not stop there (he rarely does). He proceeded to chide her over the fact that he would like to taste the sauce but he couldn't, as all the sauce was on the skin.

Now, I am not a bad cook (if I do say so myself) but when I cook a Goan chicken curry (coconut milk and spices), it would take a miracle for the chicken to have crispy skin.

This is what I shouted at Mr. Wallace via the medium of television. Apparently, I wasn't the only one. The entire global Malaysian population, including the Malaysian Prime Minister, erupted on social media.

Did Mr Wallace bother to whisper those two words - 'mea culpa' - that may have assuaged their anger? Of course not. Come to think of it, I am still recovering from his pronounciation of Bacalhau and Rendang, so perhaps 'I am sorry' would be preferable.

Anyway, instead of an apology, he chose to offer an 'explanation'. Apparently, what he meant was that the skin was not cooked. Which begs the question, why did he not use words like 'raw' or 'under cooked'? 

Brings to mind Mark Twain's quote, 'Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.'

In an attempt to play Dec to Greg's Ant, Jon Torode tweeted something about Indonesian food and ended it with a breezy 'namaste'... and Malaysia erupted again!

Should've gone with 'salamat datang' John, google is just a click away.

Until next week, try and keep it light.

A lighter look at Easter

I read a horror story recently. Apparently retailers are
trying very hard to turn Easter into Christmas. I am not sure
how you turn a birth into a death and resurrection but where
profit and money are concerned, I guess, miracles can happen.

I know commercial retailers are not looking at it
from a Christian angle and I also know, some people will start jumping up and down, reminding us that both Christmas and Easter have Pagan origins.

In my opinion, that only gives Pagans the right to complain. If not, don’t exploit Paganism to make a cheap point.

Also,will those jumping-up-and-down people explain how some people, who can’t tell the difference between Lent and length, now piously give up chocolates, crisps, alcohol and other ‘bad’ stuff, 'for Lent' to detoxify their body, not so much their soul?

Embarrassingly, I now sound  preachy. Not my intention at all, but when I read that retailers are doing their very best to

commercialise Easter by way of encouraging consumers

to buy Easter presents and decorations, I get a bit grumpy.

I start to imagine a huge lit up Easter Egg hanging on my

front door, and children making lists and leaving carrots
for the Easter Bunny, who apparently will  burrow into
their living rooms in the middle of the night, with loads
of presents for them.

Neither I, nor my credit card, can handle another annual ‘wish list’.

So let’s keep Easter the way it is.

Overindulge in chocolate and alcohol after 40 days of abstinence!

A lighter look at the news

By all accounts, after hearing and reading the allegations made against Harvey Weinstein, one would probably deduce that the man is a misogynist and a bully, among other things.

But guess who has decided to throw her two pennies' worth (and I am being generous) into the mix? None other than Gwyneth Paltrow. Yes, Gwynnie  has said 'Art is art' and urges us not to forget, despite his terrible behaviour,  all his brilliant films.

In other words, she is urging us not to forget one particular film - Shakespeare in Love - for which Ms. 'Cup-runneth-over-with-forgiveness-and- £200/-grass juice', won an Oscar.

Not that I would suggest that our modern day Sage has a single selfish cell, much less bone, in her body. As she says, 'Art is art' - I can now disengage my tongue from my cheek.

Stormy weather is still forecast for a certain President, in the near future. I have heard the phrase 'All the President's Women' being bandied about, whether it is by way of a headline or a suggestion for a film title based on recent events/revelations.

Among these revelations, in her interview on  60 minutes, Ms Daniels alleges that she spanked the President on his bottom, with a Forbes Magazine that had his picture on the cover. In other words, she enabled him to smack his backside with his face.

Hilary Clinton may wish to send a thank you note to Ms Daniels. I'm sure that is something she's been wanting to do for a long time.

Less, 'All the President's Women',  more  'Fifty Shades of Orange', if you ask me.

I did feel a twinge of pity for Australia's sacked Cricket Captain when he broke down in front of the world's media and sobbed. 

Now, it's not like me to be cynical (as is evident from my blog) but were those tears of remorse for cheating or were those tears of remorse for being sloppy and getting caught? 

I suppose it starts with a little scratch of the ball here and an illegal rub there and before you know it, you are brazen enough to indulge in full blown ball tampering. Then you get careless and you get caught.

Let this be a lesson to all cricketers. Deliver the ball the way it is meant to be delivered, whether at high speed or with spin. What's the worst that could happen? 

You could get trounced 4-0, the way Britain was, against Australia in the last Ashes. I almost feel like saying a belated 'well done' to the British Cricket team.

Until next week, try and keep it light....and if you can't, have an Easter egg on me!

A lighter take on the news

The other day, I bought a rather delicious looking packet of chilli  peanuts. They were not my usual brand, so I flipped the packet to see where they were manufactured. I wish I hadn't.

A 'warning' caught my eye. It said, 'may contain nuts'. Well, I should jolly well hope so. If the packet says 'peanuts' I expect it to contain nuts not rice crackers. Not for a nano second did I think  that there was a possibility that it may not contain nuts.

I tore the packet open and dipped my hand in. They definitely felt like peanuts. I popped a few in my mouth. They certainly tasted like peanuts (with a zing of chilli, as promised). 

So, why were the manufacturers indecisive? Why were they teasing me with the 'may'.

Intrigued, my eyes moved further down only to see a 'caution'. It said 'caution : contains nuts'. Phew! If only I'd read that first, I'd have avoided my moment of panic.

I decided to investigate to see if all products that cause severe allergies have this 'state the obvious and insult the consumer' labelling. 

So, I looked at my box of eggs. It said 12 Free Range Barn Eggs at the top, with 'Medium' below it and 'best before' to the side. I looked to see if it said 'warning : this product may contain eggs'. It didn't. I looked to see if it said 'caution: contains eggs'. It didn't.

So, the special warnings and cautions seem to be reserved just for nuts, written by nuts.

Along similar lines, Gary Barlow also appears to have graduated from the School of 'state the obvious'.

You may have noticed that he has shed some weight over the years. Perhaps he was waiting for someone to ask him about it. Perhaps no one did.

He decided to enlighten us anyway. Why not? Most celebrities think they are endlessly fascinating.

Brace yourselves now. The secret to his successful weight loss, that he so unselfishly wants to share with everyone, is  - freshly cooked food (no processed ready cooked food he emphasises just in case you are a wholemeal sandwich short of a picnic and aren't able to make that deduction).

That is his first tip. 'Exercise' is his next. (I did warn you to brace yourself). Finally, the 'S' word - Sugar! Yes, three huge tips that no one had thought of before.

Thank you Mr. Barlow. If only it was that easy, you could sing 'What a wonderful (slim) world we live in' and add another notch to your belt - a cure for insomnia.

Liam could bearly stand the payne (I do apologise) of being separated from his baby son on his first birthday. He posted a picture on Instagram with a message 'you are my world'.

Despite having such intellectuals for parents, I don't think the one year old can read.  Which is just as well, otherwise he would not fail to see the irony of his dad saying 'you are my world' while flying half way across the world to Japan on his first birthday.

Meanwhile, a certain President was probably hoping that the latest alleged accusations of an affair would turn out to be a Storm(y) in a D cup. But like Britain's Beast from the East, it keeps returning.

Will it turn into a blizzard? Only time will tell - in fact 60 minutes today. And just to get us in the Easter mood, there is a bunny involved as well, albeit, of the Playboy variety.

You will be relieved to know that I don't have the will to go into it or make any puns about it.

Tay May can stop dragging her designer shoes, as the Brexit talks appear to be on course. Now, I am going to sound like I've also graduated from the University of 'State the obvious' but really, all it takes is a little give and take on both sides.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter take on the news

Cheryl Tweedy Cole Versini Fernandez and a Payne-in-waiting, is releasing a new album. The producer of the said album is someone called Naughty Boy.

Anyway, Naughty Boy is rather pained about people's attitude towards his client and has said, 'I do feel sorry for Cheryl, all she wants to do is make her music.' Well if that is all Cheryl wants to do, I too feel sorry for her.

He further goes on to say, 'I get a bit disheartened because I think people should just wait for the music. It will be worth the wait.' Promises, promises, you naughty boy!

You know how everyone and  their aunty and her cat rushed to have an opinion on Brexit? Well, not Plan B. He took his time. 

In fact he took as much time to form an educated opinion on Brexit, as it has taken him to come up with a new album (far be it for me to be cynical - I am sure it was just a happy coincidence).

Anyway, he grew up in East London and compares Brexiteers to con artists. Naming no names, I can see where he is coming from.

However, he further went on to say, 'when people ask you to make a really big decision quickly, without giving you time to think, they're usually trying to scam you.'

Well, I wouldn't dream of disputing the canny knowledge of an East Londoner. However, correct me if I am wrong, but wasn't it David Cameron who called the Referendum that decided if we stayed or left the EU?

Also, once again, feel free to correct me if I am wrong, but wasn't David Cameron in favour of staying in the EU, or in referendum parlance, a 'Bremainer'? 

Hmmm, made a big decision to give your opinion without giving yourself time to think, didn't you Plan B? Time to move on to Plan C, I think.

I believe some of the best ideas come to us when we are still and sober and some of the worst, when we are restless and drunk. Just ask Rugby Player Dom Flannagan.

Mr. Flanagan was rather inebriated when he had a light bulb moment to start a whatsapp group, 'Dom's Angels'. He then proceeded to write: started a group whatsapp with every bird in my contacts. 

He continued to communicate with all the 'birds'  in the group by issuing this charming invitation:  Hia girls, it's Dom, couldn't be a**** texting you all individually, what you all doing tonight?'

He did get a lot of replies. Unfortunately for him, they were all from Angry Birds.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter take on the news

Italy's former Prime Minister, 81 year old, Silvio Berlusconi, tried to make a political comeback, although, due to his tax fraud convictions, he would not be able to hold office. Nevertheless, he decided to back a nominee.

Understandably, this incensed a 'Femen' activist so much, that she jumped on a table, topless, in front of him, with the words, 'Berlusconi, you've expired' written in black on her chest, at the polling station where he went to cast his vote.

I am all for feminist protests but stripping to the waist and jumping in front of Bunga Bunga Berlusconi,  seems more like reward than punishment.

The only way that would've been punishment/torture, would be, if what she'd written on her chest, was literally true.

Anyway, the party he was backing did not win, so he and his 32 year old girl friend have  bunga-bunga-ed off into the sunset.

This year Donald Trump decided to grace the Gridiron Club  Dinner in Washington DC with his presence and (unfortunately) his humour. 

In reference to the staff leaving the White House he is supposed to have said,' who's going to be the next to leave?  Steve Miller or Melania?' 

Well, since you asked, how about the person who is the cause of all these people leaving?

He also made reference to  #FreeMelania, saying that she was 'having a great time'. Yes, we know. The look of pure pleasure on her face every time he reaches for her hand is a joy to behold.

He certainly did not miss his calling as a stand-up comic and normally I would say, 'don't quit your day job' but in this case...... perhaps not.

Saint Jamie of Oliver has taken a flying leap on his high horse yet again and is  casting his moral pearls of  wisdom our way.

It is not just nutritional wisdom that he is imparting this time, he appears to be dabbling in social engineering as well.

Having already tackled Schools and Hospitals, he's turned his attention to the 'poverty stricken and obese'. As if life hasn't already dealt them an unfair hand, they have to listen to his tripe.

This is some of what he has said:

'Will power is a very unique personal thing. We can't judge our equivalent of middle class logic on theirs because they are in a different gear, almost in a different country.'

 I think his brain is in a different gear to his mouth - the brain in first and the mouth in fifth. And talking of a different country, I am surprised he is still in this one, considering his threat to leave the country if Britain opted for Brexit.

Anyway, if you are reading this Mr. O, I have a brilliant idea and possible solution to this problem. It involves you putting your money where your mouth is (with the double benefit of shutting your  gob as well - no offence).

You know all those failing 'Jamie's Italian Restaurants?' They could be converted by into non-profit, healthy, Eating Houses for the 'poverty stricken and obese', that you are so concerned about. 

With your generosity and all that 'pukka' food, Britain will be the healthiest country in the world and we'll all be travelling in the same gear.

Also, if you get so immersed in this project and end up giving away your millions, at least you will have your middle class logic and will power to help you avoid getting obese.

There you go, now you know how it feels to be preached at, not to mention, patronised.

Finally, the Oscars gave Donald Trump the opportunity to gloat. He tweeted, 'Lowest ratings Oscars in HISTORY. Problem is we don't have stars anymore, except your President (just kidding).'

I am confused. Does Donald Trump think he is the President of the World? Nevertheless, kidding or not, I have to agree that he is a big star, just like our other big star - the Sun. They are both big orange balls of hot air, over exposure to which should be avoided.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter look at the news

It is March and Spring should be on its way in Britain. But not this year. This year, we are being treated to some more than liberal sprinkling of snow.

As usual, things have ground to a halt and this has given some Nordic Countries and Canada (in other words countries that spend half the year shovelling the white stuff), the opportunity to poke fun at us by way of tweets and memes galore! 

Among the tweets and memes, there are 'look at us' show off ones - basically people in skimpy underwear diving into freezing lakes (whatever floats your iceberg I suppose) and  'you pitiful Brits' ones. 

A poor little Kingfisher in Amsterdam was frozen solid. I half expected to see a Scandinavian/Canadian tweet saying 'our birds fly without feathers in -20C.' But then again, it happened in Amsterdam not Britain. 

I seem to recall a late summer heat wave in some parts of Canada last year. I also seem to recall a lot of complaining and a Marathon being cancelled.

What I don't recall is people in hot countries like India going, 'look, they shed most of their clothes in their 'heat wave'. Look at us with our long sleeved shirts and long trousers!' Or 'they cancel their marathons because it's 37C, we play cricket all day long in over 40C temperatures!'

Theresa May has given her third Brexit speech, the gist of which is that we can't have our cake and eat it as well. I'll be surprised if anyone is surprised by that mighty revelation.

Be that as it 'May', the Prime Minister would do well to at least put the ingredients together, taking great care not to let Bo Jo anywhere near the mixing bowl, lest we are left with no cake at all, to have or to eat. 

Melania Trump is playing her hand games again. Only this time, it was less of a bone shattering swat and more of a hand evasion. She expertly dodged the  presidential hand and pretended to use her hand to hold her skirt in place.

Before that, on their way to North Carolina, Trump, ever the gentleman, had dashed out of his car and run up the stairs of Air Force One without a backward glance to see how his wife was coping in the very windy conditions.

Not that I blame him - he was probably trying to avoid another bad (windswept) hair day.

Anyway, in a bid to make up for his thoughtless trot up the stairs, he tried grabbing Melania's hand when they arrived. As if that was ever going to work but full marks for bravery.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter take on this week's news

A Tory MP by the name of Andrew Bridgen has asked the head of the National Crime Agency to start an Inquiry to investigate how 'Teflon' Keith Vaz, Labour MP, has amassed the considerable wealth that he has.

Alledgedly, Mr Vaz has eight houses in the UK worth a few million pounds and some property in India as well. A little baffling, considering he earns around £74,000/- a year as an MP.

Intriguing, I agree but just as intriguing is how he could afford his other 'expense' - his rent boys. Perhaps that expenditure was funded by 'Jim' from the bonuses he received from selling all those washing machines.

Amidst women coming together and supporting each other in a bid to affect change in the behaviour of powerful men towards them, there are some women who, through good fortune, may not have had such encounters and who now feel obliged to pass on  'safety tips' to their sisters.

Recently Joanna Lumley came up with this gem (I am paraphrasing), if your gut tells you not to go to his hotel room, then don't.

She should be getting paid for such invaluable advice. She should also be paid double if her advice includes a tip for 'him' - if your gut (or any other part of your anatomy) tells you that you want more than just the drink you are inviting her for, then don't.

At the BAFTA Awards ceremony this evening, majority of the women wore black in support of the #metoo and time'sup campaigns, with one exception - Kate Middleton. She wore a green dress.

Apparently, it is in keeping with Royal Protocol to not align with any public protest. And here I thought Kate and William were a modern couple.

She is a tall lady, so I am not sure how recent happenings have gone over her head but it appears to have done so, as Miranda Hart gave this advise to people on Valentine's Day, 'Go to work and hug all you colleagues'(!). 

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter look at the news

Apparently, Prince Harry has decided to invite his 'difficult' Aunt to his wedding to Meghan Markle. Now, you might wonder who the difficult aunt is.

It is not Princess Ann although her dour expression may lead you to believe so. It could not be the Countess of Wessex - her RBF is too pleasant.

So, that just leaves 'Solid Rock' Sarah Ferguson. I am sure she will behave herself, although someone should make sure she doesn't give an impromptu toast.

It will turn the celebrations into a snooze fest as she rattles on about guiding tributaries gently to their final destinations.

You know how we sometimes shut our eyes and envision something extraordinary happening to us? Then we open our eyes and reality sinks in and we carry on with our regular, unremarkable lives.

Well, a couple in Florida shut their eyes and envisioned themselves sailing on a boat around the world. Unfortunately for them, when they opened their eyes, there was no accompanying reality.

They sold all their worldly belongings, bought themselves a boat, spent a small fortune renovating it and set sail. They neglected to take into account one minor detail - neither of them knew how to sail.

Unsurprisingly, within 24 hours, their boat and their dream, sank. They now have to pay another fortune to salvage the boat.

I have two words to say to anyone who wants to take a sailing trip around the world but does not know how to sail - Cruise Ship. Board one and stay safe.


When a third Sex and the City movie was being considered, Kim Cattrall did us all a favour and declined to do it. This resulted in Sarah Jessica Parker suggesting that she was a diva.

Kim promptly had a diva fit and said that none of the ladies had ever been friends. SJP was immensely hurt by this and so began a feud.

Recently, Kim's brother passed away and she announced his death on social media. SJP sent her condolences and they flew right back at her with words like hypocrite and exploiting thrown in.

These two are no spring chickens and were certainly not born in the age of social media, so it is very surprising that they should have such an open feud on it, particularly, considering the tragic circumstances.

Maybe they are going by the adage 'there's no such thing as bad publicity'. That may be true but there is such a thing as poor taste ladies.

When Kim and Kanye named their first child North, I just assumed the ones that followed were 'direction' names as well. Apparently, according to Kim, North is the best, so she did not want to make her other children feel any less special by calling them East or South.

Hence, the one that followed North was called Saint (because he is a blessing). Fair enough, but why name the third one after a pizza?

Until next week, try and keep it light!

  

A lighter take on the weekly news

If you have been a Spice Girls' fan, you may need to sit down when you read this - the Spice Girls are having a reunion! (If you are not a spice girls' fan, I congratulate you on your good taste).

Anyway, they are apparently being paid 10 million each for the said reunion.

While the other 'girls' are probably gargling their vocal chords with  Himalayan salt water and hiring voice coaches, Posh has poutily pondered and come up with a classic proviso to her contract - she will do it as long as she doesn't have to sing.

The promoters were probably weak with relief - I am sure they had no intention of letting her 'sing' in the first place. 

I have always (I confess for all of 5 seconds) wondered why, except for 'Ginger', none of the other girls' names were actual spices.

Now that they are mature, I think they should keep it real and rename themselves appropriately - which is what they should have done in the first place.

'Baby' should be Mustard (seed) spice, Scary should be 'Star Anise' spice (a tiny pinch packs a punch), Sporty should be 'Nutmeg' spice (a little goes a long way) and if Ginger fancies a change, she could be 'Turmeric' spice.

That just leaves good old 'Posh'. With her constant bland expression, I can't come up with an appropriate spice name, so we'll just have to settle for  'Pouty LipSync' spice. 

A made up spice for a made up singer. 

While Oprah Winfrey won many fans with her female empowering speech at the Golden Globes, she failed to win over our very own Ann Robinson. 

Ann has said that she 'loathes' Oprah. A very strong word from one strong woman to another - yay for sisterhood.

To cut a short story even shorter, Ann and her daughter appeared on the Oprah show back when Ann (and her quiz show) were relevant.

There also happened to be another 'Mother and Daughter' combo at the show,  who  did not get along and apparently Oprah worked her magic and they worked their 'problems' out (on the show).

However, according to Ann, after the show, she and her daughter shared a taxi with the said mother and daughter, who came to blows in the shared taxi. 'Where was Oprah then?' asks Ann.

To state the obvious, not in the taxi. But guess who was there? The  Queen of Mean. All she (Ann) had to do was shout 'you are the weakest links' and kick them out of the cab. Instead she cowered in a corner. 

So who really is the weakest link? 

If it makes Ann feel any better, I am sure Oprah, with all her meditation and mindfulness,  doesn't loathe her back. I doubt she even remembers her. Don't take offence Ann, wink, wink!

I have to say that the cockles of my heart are warmed and  I feel so honoured that this is the 'Year of the Woman'. But in the words of that very influential modern day woman, Beyonce, 'Question' - what happens at the end of the year?

Do things go back to the way they were? Because a year cannot possibly right the wrongs that a lot women have endured.

If you really want to level the playing field, how about calling it the 'Millennium of the Woman'. That will be a start.

On her recent visit to China, Theresa May was informed that the Chinese people affectionately called her 'Auntie May'. Apparently she was flattered to be considered a family member.

Sorry Tay May but I have always called my aunts by their first name, as in 'Auntie Dorothy'; not Auntie Smith, or Auntie Fernandes. 

Also, I don't remember David Cameron being called 'Uncle Cameron' when he visited China as PM.  Once again, I rest my case for the 'Millennium of the Woman'.

Until next week, try and keep it light!