The other day, I bought a rather delicious looking packet of chilli peanuts. They were not my usual brand, so I flipped the packet to see where they were manufactured. I wish I hadn't.
A 'warning' caught my eye. It said, 'may contain nuts'. Well, I should jolly well hope so. If the packet says 'peanuts' I expect it to contain nuts not rice crackers. Not for a nano second did I think that there was a possibility that it may not contain nuts.
I tore the packet open and dipped my hand in. They definitely felt like peanuts. I popped a few in my mouth. They certainly tasted like peanuts (with a zing of chilli, as promised).
So, why were the manufacturers indecisive? Why were they teasing me with the 'may'.
Intrigued, my eyes moved further down only to see a 'caution'. It said 'caution : contains nuts'. Phew! If only I'd read that first, I'd have avoided my moment of panic.
I decided to investigate to see if all products that cause severe allergies have this 'state the obvious and insult the consumer' labelling.
So, I looked at my box of eggs. It said 12 Free Range Barn Eggs at the top, with 'Medium' below it and 'best before' to the side. I looked to see if it said 'warning : this product may contain eggs'. It didn't. I looked to see if it said 'caution: contains eggs'. It didn't.
So, the special warnings and cautions seem to be reserved just for nuts, written by nuts.
Along similar lines, Gary Barlow also appears to have graduated from the School of 'state the obvious'.
You may have noticed that he has shed some weight over the years. Perhaps he was waiting for someone to ask him about it. Perhaps no one did.
He decided to enlighten us anyway. Why not? Most celebrities think they are endlessly fascinating.
Brace yourselves now. The secret to his successful weight loss, that he so unselfishly wants to share with everyone, is - freshly cooked food (no processed ready cooked food he emphasises just in case you are a wholemeal sandwich short of a picnic and aren't able to make that deduction).
That is his first tip. 'Exercise' is his next. (I did warn you to brace yourself). Finally, the 'S' word - Sugar! Yes, three huge tips that no one had thought of before.
Thank you Mr. Barlow. If only it was that easy, you could sing 'What a wonderful (slim) world we live in' and add another notch to your belt - a cure for insomnia.
Liam could bearly stand the payne (I do apologise) of being separated from his baby son on his first birthday. He posted a picture on Instagram with a message 'you are my world'.
Despite having such intellectuals for parents, I don't think the one year old can read. Which is just as well, otherwise he would not fail to see the irony of his dad saying 'you are my world' while flying half way across the world to Japan on his first birthday.
Meanwhile, a certain President was probably hoping that the latest alleged accusations of an affair would turn out to be a Storm(y) in a D cup. But like Britain's Beast from the East, it keeps returning.
Will it turn into a blizzard? Only time will tell - in fact 60 minutes today. And just to get us in the Easter mood, there is a bunny involved as well, albeit, of the Playboy variety.
You will be relieved to know that I don't have the will to go into it or make any puns about it.
Tay May can stop dragging her designer shoes, as the Brexit talks appear to be on course. Now, I am going to sound like I've also graduated from the University of 'State the obvious' but really, all it takes is a little give and take on both sides.
Until next week, try and keep it light!
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