Weekly news - rave or rant?
By all accounts, after hearing and reading the allegations made against Harvey Weinstein, one would probably deduce that the man is a misogynist and a bully, among other things.
But guess who has decided to throw her two pennies' worth (and I am being generous) into the mix? None other than Gwyneth Paltrow. Yes, Gwynnie has said 'Art is art' and urges us not to forget, despite his terrible behaviour, all his brilliant films.
In other words, she is urging us not to forget one particular film - Shakespeare in Love - for which Ms. 'Cup-runneth-over-with-forgiveness-and- £200/-grass juice', won an Oscar.
Not that I would suggest that our modern day Sage has a single selfish cell, much less bone, in her body. As she says, 'Art is art' - I can now disengage my tongue from my cheek.
Stormy weather is still forecast for a certain President, in the near future. I have heard the phrase 'All the President's Women' being bandied about, whether it is by way of a headline or a suggestion for a film title based on recent events/revelations.
Among these revelations, in her interview on 60 minutes, Ms Daniels alleges that she spanked the President on his bottom, with a Forbes Magazine that had his picture on the cover. In other words, she enabled him to smack his backside with his face.
Hilary Clinton may wish to send a thank you note to Ms Daniels. I'm sure that is something she's been wanting to do for a long time.
Less, 'All the President's Women', more 'Fifty Shades of Orange', if you ask me.
I did feel a twinge of pity for Australia's sacked Cricket Captain when he broke down in front of the world's media and sobbed.
Now, it's not like me to be cynical (as is evident from my blog) but were those tears of remorse for cheating or were those tears of remorse for being sloppy and getting caught?
I suppose it starts with a little scratch of the ball here and an illegal rub there and before you know it, you are brazen enough to indulge in full blown ball tampering. Then you get careless and you get caught.
Let this be a lesson to all cricketers. Deliver the ball the way it is meant to be delivered, whether at high speed or with spin. What's the worst that could happen?
You could get trounced 4-0, the way Britain was, against Australia in the last Ashes. I almost feel like saying a belated 'well done' to the British Cricket team.
Until next week, try and keep it light....and if you can't, have an Easter egg on me!
The other day, I bought a rather delicious looking packet of chilli peanuts. They were not my usual brand, so I flipped the packet to see where they were manufactured. I wish I hadn't.
A 'warning' caught my eye. It said, 'may contain nuts'. Well, I should jolly well hope so. If the packet says 'peanuts' I expect it to contain nuts not rice crackers. Not for a nano second did I think that there was a possibility that it may not contain nuts.
I tore the packet open and dipped my hand in. They definitely felt like peanuts. I popped a few in my mouth. They certainly tasted like peanuts (with a zing of chilli, as promised).
So, why were the manufacturers indecisive? Why were they teasing me with the 'may'.
Intrigued, my eyes moved further down only to see a 'caution'. It said 'caution : contains nuts'. Phew! If only I'd read that first, I'd have avoided my moment of panic.
I decided to investigate to see if all products that cause severe allergies have this 'state the obvious and insult the consumer' labelling.
So, I looked at my box of eggs. It said 12 Free Range Barn Eggs at the top, with 'Medium' below it and 'best before' to the side. I looked to see if it said 'warning : this product may contain eggs'. It didn't. I looked to see if it said 'caution: contains eggs'. It didn't.
So, the special warnings and cautions seem to be reserved just for nuts, written by nuts.
Along similar lines, Gary Barlow also appears to have graduated from the School of 'state the obvious'.
You may have noticed that he has shed some weight over the years. Perhaps he was waiting for someone to ask him about it. Perhaps no one did.
He decided to enlighten us anyway. Why not? Most celebrities think they are endlessly fascinating.
Brace yourselves now. The secret to his successful weight loss, that he so unselfishly wants to share with everyone, is - freshly cooked food (no processed ready cooked food he emphasises just in case you are a wholemeal sandwich short of a picnic and aren't able to make that deduction).
That is his first tip. 'Exercise' is his next. (I did warn you to brace yourself). Finally, the 'S' word - Sugar! Yes, three huge tips that no one had thought of before.
Thank you Mr. Barlow. If only it was that easy, you could sing 'What a wonderful (slim) world we live in' and add another notch to your belt - a cure for insomnia.
Liam could bearly stand the payne (I do apologise) of being separated from his baby son on his first birthday. He posted a picture on Instagram with a message 'you are my world'.
Despite having such intellectuals for parents, I don't think the one year old can read. Which is just as well, otherwise he would not fail to see the irony of his dad saying 'you are my world' while flying half way across the world to Japan on his first birthday.
Meanwhile, a certain President was probably hoping that the latest alleged accusations of an affair would turn out to be a Storm(y) in a D cup. But like Britain's Beast from the East, it keeps returning.
Will it turn into a blizzard? Only time will tell - in fact 60 minutes today. And just to get us in the Easter mood, there is a bunny involved as well, albeit, of the Playboy variety.
You will be relieved to know that I don't have the will to go into it or make any puns about it.
Tay May can stop dragging her designer shoes, as the Brexit talks appear to be on course. Now, I am going to sound like I've also graduated from the University of 'State the obvious' but really, all it takes is a little give and take on both sides.
Until next week, try and keep it light!
Cheryl Tweedy Cole Versini Fernandez and a Payne-in-waiting, is releasing a new album. The producer of the said album is someone called Naughty Boy.
Anyway, Naughty Boy is rather pained about people's attitude towards his client and has said, 'I do feel sorry for Cheryl, all she wants to do is make her music.' Well if that is all Cheryl wants to do, I too feel sorry for her.
He further goes on to say, 'I get a bit disheartened because I think people should just wait for the music. It will be worth the wait.' Promises, promises, you naughty boy!
You know how everyone and their aunty and her cat rushed to have an opinion on Brexit? Well, not Plan B. He took his time.
In fact he took as much time to form an educated opinion on Brexit, as it has taken him to come up with a new album (far be it for me to be cynical - I am sure it was just a happy coincidence).
Anyway, he grew up in East London and compares Brexiteers to con artists. Naming no names, I can see where he is coming from.
However, he further went on to say, 'when people ask you to make a really big decision quickly, without giving you time to think, they're usually trying to scam you.'
Well, I wouldn't dream of disputing the canny knowledge of an East Londoner. However, correct me if I am wrong, but wasn't it David Cameron who called the Referendum that decided if we stayed or left the EU?
Also, once again, feel free to correct me if I am wrong, but wasn't David Cameron in favour of staying in the EU, or in referendum parlance, a 'Bremainer'?
Hmmm, made a big decision to give your opinion without giving yourself time to think, didn't you Plan B? Time to move on to Plan C, I think.
I believe some of the best ideas come to us when we are still and sober and some of the worst, when we are restless and drunk. Just ask Rugby Player Dom Flannagan.
Mr. Flanagan was rather inebriated when he had a light bulb moment to start a whatsapp group, 'Dom's Angels'. He then proceeded to write: started a group whatsapp with every bird in my contacts.
He continued to communicate with all the 'birds' in the group by issuing this charming invitation: Hia girls, it's Dom, couldn't be a**** texting you all individually, what you all doing tonight?'
He did get a lot of replies. Unfortunately for him, they were all from Angry Birds.
Until next week, try and keep it light!
Italy's former Prime Minister, 81 year old, Silvio Berlusconi, tried to make a political comeback, although, due to his tax fraud convictions, he would not be able to hold office. Nevertheless, he decided to back a nominee.
Understandably, this incensed a 'Femen' activist so much, that she jumped on a table, topless, in front of him, with the words, 'Berlusconi, you've expired' written in black on her chest, at the polling station where he went to cast his vote.
I am all for feminist protests but stripping to the waist and jumping in front of Bunga Bunga Berlusconi, seems more like reward than punishment.
The only way that would've been punishment/torture, would be, if what she'd written on her chest, was literally true.
Anyway, the party he was backing did not win, so he and his 32 year old girl friend have bunga-bunga-ed off into the sunset.
This year Donald Trump decided to grace the Gridiron Club Dinner in Washington DC with his presence and (unfortunately) his humour.
In reference to the staff leaving the White House he is supposed to have said,' who's going to be the next to leave? Steve Miller or Melania?'
Well, since you asked, how about the person who is the cause of all these people leaving?
He also made reference to #FreeMelania, saying that she was 'having a great time'. Yes, we know. The look of pure pleasure on her face every time he reaches for her hand is a joy to behold.
He certainly did not miss his calling as a stand-up comic and normally I would say, 'don't quit your day job' but in this case...... perhaps not.
Saint Jamie of Oliver has taken a flying leap on his high horse yet again and is casting his moral pearls of wisdom our way.
It is not just nutritional wisdom that he is imparting this time, he appears to be dabbling in social engineering as well.
Having already tackled Schools and Hospitals, he's turned his attention to the 'poverty stricken and obese'. As if life hasn't already dealt them an unfair hand, they have to listen to his tripe.
This is some of what he has said:
'Will power is a very unique personal thing. We can't judge our equivalent of middle class logic on theirs because they are in a different gear, almost in a different country.'
I think his brain is in a different gear to his mouth - the brain in first and the mouth in fifth. And talking of a different country, I am surprised he is still in this one, considering his threat to leave the country if Britain opted for Brexit.
Anyway, if you are reading this Mr. O, I have a brilliant idea and possible solution to this problem. It involves you putting your money where your mouth is (with the double benefit of shutting your gob as well - no offence).
You know all those failing 'Jamie's Italian Restaurants?' They could be converted by into non-profit, healthy, Eating Houses for the 'poverty stricken and obese', that you are so concerned about.
With your generosity and all that 'pukka' food, Britain will be the healthiest country in the world and we'll all be travelling in the same gear.
Also, if you get so immersed in this project and end up giving away your millions, at least you will have your middle class logic and will power to help you avoid getting obese.
There you go, now you know how it feels to be preached at, not to mention, patronised.
Finally, the Oscars gave Donald Trump the opportunity to gloat. He tweeted, 'Lowest ratings Oscars in HISTORY. Problem is we don't have stars anymore, except your President (just kidding).'
I am confused. Does Donald Trump think he is the President of the World? Nevertheless, kidding or not, I have to agree that he is a big star, just like our other big star - the Sun. They are both big orange balls of hot air, over exposure to which should be avoided.
Until next week, try and keep it light!
It is March and Spring should be on its way in Britain. But not this year. This year, we are being treated to some more than liberal sprinkling of snow.
As usual, things have ground to a halt and this has given some Nordic Countries and Canada (in other words countries that spend half the year shovelling the white stuff), the opportunity to poke fun at us by way of tweets and memes galore!
Among the tweets and memes, there are 'look at us' show off ones - basically people in skimpy underwear diving into freezing lakes (whatever floats your iceberg I suppose) and 'you pitiful Brits' ones.
A poor little Kingfisher in Amsterdam was frozen solid. I half expected to see a Scandinavian/Canadian tweet saying 'our birds fly without feathers in -20C.' But then again, it happened in Amsterdam not Britain.
I seem to recall a late summer heat wave in some parts of Canada last year. I also seem to recall a lot of complaining and a Marathon being cancelled.
What I don't recall is people in hot countries like India going, 'look, they shed most of their clothes in their 'heat wave'. Look at us with our long sleeved shirts and long trousers!' Or 'they cancel their marathons because it's 37C, we play cricket all day long in over 40C temperatures!'
Theresa May has given her third Brexit speech, the gist of which is that we can't have our cake and eat it as well. I'll be surprised if anyone is surprised by that mighty revelation.
Be that as it 'May', the Prime Minister would do well to at least put the ingredients together, taking great care not to let Bo Jo anywhere near the mixing bowl, lest we are left with no cake at all, to have or to eat.
Melania Trump is playing her hand games again. Only this time, it was less of a bone shattering swat and more of a hand evasion. She expertly dodged the presidential hand and pretended to use her hand to hold her skirt in place.
Before that, on their way to North Carolina, Trump, ever the gentleman, had dashed out of his car and run up the stairs of Air Force One without a backward glance to see how his wife was coping in the very windy conditions.
Not that I blame him - he was probably trying to avoid another bad (windswept) hair day.
Anyway, in a bid to make up for his thoughtless trot up the stairs, he tried grabbing Melania's hand when they arrived. As if that was ever going to work but full marks for bravery.
Until next week, try and keep it light!
