A look at the news

A boy in Australia is being bullied for having the name 'Corona'. Now, I don't mean to be unkind but I am surprised that kids have only just started bullying him. 

I would've thought that a boy named Corona would have the same level of bullying as a boy named Sue. What were his parents thinking?

I can only imagine that he was conceived after one too many Coronas and they thought it was a good idea to remind him of that, every single day of his life.

Now, to make matters worse, Tom Hanks has befriended him with the catch phrase that starts all meaningful friendships, 'You've Got a Friend in Me'.

I think Mr Hanks is too nice a guy and is probably of the age where he has forgotten the psyche of school bullies. Poor Corona the boy, doesn't stand a chance now. He's probably going to have to change schools...and his name.

After suggesting that an injection of disinfectant might be a good idea to treat Coronavirus, the tangerine toddler found himself up the proverbial creek without a paddle.

He used his tiny hands to back paddle furiously and whilst doing so, came to the short lived decision to press pause on these press not-so-briefings.

Unsurprisingly, he unpaused the button about 24 hours later. When asked how his numero Un friend from North Korea was, he simpered, turned a deeper shade of orange, and suggested that he was privy to that information but was not allowed to say anything. 

You might have seen a video released by the US Navy, regarding an unidentified flying object; pic below.

They may think it's an unidentified object but if you look carefully, you will see that it's a pig attempting to fly when it heard what Trump said about being discreet.

I am now going to do, what Trump does best. I am going to wonder out loud and make outrageous suggestions. So, I wonder if  the North Korean leader is actually trying to cheer us all up with a new game.

Maybe he is trying to replace Where's Wally? with Where's Kimmy? After all, where names are concerned, it's the same difference.

If that is true, the only fly in the ointment will be Donny who claims to know Kimmy's secret and if Donny spills the beans on Kimmy's location and spoils the game, Kimmy might get apoplectic with Donny.

Everyone knows that Donny gets apoplectic even when there is nothing to get apoplectic about, so he will definitely get apoplectic right back at Kimmy and the whole world will be petrified and forget about Corona, except Tom Hanks, who keeps his word and has promised Corona that he has a friend in him.

Until next time, try and keep it light and stay safe.

A bemused look at the news

Oh My Good Golly Aunt Maddy! This is Season 3 of Breaking Mad and I am ashamed to confess, by far makes for the most compulsive viewing.

Whereas in Seasons 1 and 2, I'd dip in and out of episodes, this season, I am transfixed by the bizarre 'plots' that unfold in real time. 

Every evening it ends on a cliffhanger; surely he can't outdo what he just said, you say to yourself (yes, you have started talking to yourself because this madness is catching) but then he goes and proves you wrong in the next episode, otherwise known as a press conference.

It appears that Mr Muscle and Cillit Bang-and-the-germ-is-gone have pushed Hydroxychloroquine to the back shelf of the medicine cabinet. (Other disinfectants are available).

Light, heat and disinfectant is his new chant. And no, he is not referring to his three wives. He is, unbelievably, talking about a potential cure for Coronavirus.

According to Dr Donald, if you inject disinfectant, it will get in your lungs and do a tremendous number on your lungs. I agree, it will indeed... the two (lungs) will come close to zero.

To be fair, he does assure everyone that he is not a doctor (as if there was any doubt). However, I hesitate to call him a quack, lest it leads to an uprising among ducks (starting with the one who shares his name).

                           

In reference to the above clip, we actually don't know 'what'. Do enlighten us. One suspects he doesn't know 'what' either.

I could almost feel Dr Birx's pain and discomfort, as he looked at her for validation. For once, I wasn't distracted by her scarf and watched as she visibly gulped, as if she was swallowing one of his golf balls - I apologise, that sounds unintentionally rude.

Just like Breaking Bad has its spin off with Saul Goodman, 'Breaking Mad' appears to have its own spin off with Carolyn Goodman, the Mayor of Las Vegas.

Her interview with CNN started off with what appeared to be a party trick - her ability to move her lower lip up and down without actually opening her mouth.

Alas, when she did open her mouth, it soon became clear, that the lights were on but there was no one home. Which, to be fair, is what she wants for Las Vegas.

Until next time, stay safe and stay home....with your lights on!

A look at the news

Oh dear, Piers Morgan (or Fierce Jargon as I not-so-fondly call him), is apoplectic with crossness yet again. Mercifully, this time it is not directed at Meghan Markle. Instead, pouty mouthy Victoria Beckham is the cause of his most recent surge in ire (not that it takes much).

I would say however, that in this case, I kind of share his crossness a bit. Just a tiny bit mind you - wouldn't want to share more than a smidgen of that nucleic burst of fury he exudes when something (mostly anything) gets him going.

The reason he is angry with Victoria Beckham (who apparently the Gods did not bless with the ability to smile) is because she has decided to furlough her 30 staff, instead of dipping into the 335 million pounds she shares with David alas-not-a-Sir-yet Beckham, to pay them.

This of course means that the tax payers ultimately will foot the bill. C'est la vie you might say (if you are French or pretentious) and to that I will say  non non (even though I am neither French nor pretentious).

Simply put, at Vicks VapoRub's last birthday, the couple celebrated with a £1,300/- bottle of wine. Even more simply put, that amount is probably the monthly wage of some health workers. And moronically put, those same health workers will probably pay tax to enable Victoria to continue her pretence of being a fashionista.

By the way, if you think that Vicks VapoRub is a silly nickname, I agree with you. Vicks VapoRub can offer relief and put a smile on your face.

Going back to the Beckhams, I am sure that Piers and his ilk will soon forget to be apoplectic and will go back to splashing the Beckhams' pictures in their rags, particularly of their son, New Jersey... Manhattan... Brooklyn, whatever his name is, and his current girlfriend.

The only positive one can take is, when it does happen, we'll know that life has returned back to normal.

Meghan and Harry have decided to uncouple from four British tabloids. Guess who is apoplectic with crossness yet again? At this rate, he is going to turn into a permanently crabby old man, or as I like to put it, a crosstacean.

Meanwhile, in the world of tennis, there is a possibility that there may not be any matches until a vaccine is found, to counter the coronavirus.

Now, I don't know about you, but if someone offered me a safe vaccine, I would be rolling up my sleeve and offering my arm before they got to the '19' part of 'covid'. But not Novak Djokovic.

Apparently, he does not believe in vaccinations (sigh) and would have to think long and hard about his decision, if it came to that.

In other words, chomping on unsanitary grass at Wimbledon is fine but receiving a vaccination that offers protection against a deadly virus gives him pause for thought. This gives me pause for thought as well but you don't want to know what I'm thinking.

Finally, I think I've reached saturation point and can't bring myself to say too much about the orange oaf across the pond but this picture of one of his followers, protesting against the lock down, says it all.

Mind you, Miss Orange-a-tan's face suggests that she is protesting but her sign suggests that she is giving away land.

I really thought that I could not admire health workers any more than I already do but these pictures have taken my admiration to a whole new level. 

Until next time, stay safe.

A look at the news

We are in our fourth week of lock down and unlike the first week, the happy clappy Polyannas on steroids, appear to have calmed down. 

No more viral videos of women dressing up in faux furs and stilettos to take out the trash or families virtually linking arms and singing a hit song, with the lyrics cleverly changed to make us laugh and no more videos of Mums indulging in day drinking, vowing to never take their children's teachers for granted again.

The joviality has dampened with the realisation that this uninvited, invisible, spikey guest is not going anywhere in a hurry. And when it does leave, it will no doubt leave emotional, psychological and financial destruction in its wake.

I was watching a comedian on youtube today (can't remember who it was but they are keeping me sane) and he said that his 5 year old promised not to hug the Easter Bunny if she saw it. 

I do apologise.... this is hardly 'lighter' news but if you are astute (and you obviously are), you will notice that I have stopped calling this the lighter news.

Having said that, this next bit is fairly light and feel good. If you are not in the mood for a feel good story, close your eyes for this bit but I encourage you to open them for the bit after this because I can assure you that it is anything but feel good.

Ten years ago in a zoo in Hong Kong, the zoo keepers decided to try their hand at match making. 

They introduced two pandas and left them in an enclosure to get to know each other. Unfortunately, there appeared to be no chemistry between them.

The zoo keepers tried really hard.. They played Getting To Know You, followed by Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On, but to no avail.

Apparently, Pandas have to be attracted to each other. So, perhaps she did not think he was too sexy for his fur or he did not find the rings under her eyes darkly come hither enough. We'll never know.

Anyway, the two pandas, Ying Ying and Le Le settled on a platonic relationship (not sure about the names, perhaps there was an echo in the enclosure when they were being named).

Fast forward ten years and enter the current era of corona. Those pesky two legged creatures, known as humans, have stopped coming to gawk at Ying Ying and Le Le. 

The peace is probably intoxicating, as they both appear to have donned on beer goggles and have started mating as if there is no tomorrow. 

I think that is sooo cute.And surprising. Of all the animals in the world, I would've thought that the Panda would be the least self conscious. After all, they sit around eating bamboo shoots all day and proudly own their body weight.

They could also have (mis)heard that the epidemic was called a Pandamic .....nothing like an egotistical boost to get the libido going.

Moving on from the feel good pandas to the not-so-feel good Orange-a-tan. 

Just when you think the man cannot make your jaw drop any lower, he says something and you hear the crack of your mandible hitting the floor.

I honestly thought he could not top the cringing embarrassment of the seductive whispering of 'hydroxychloroquine, try it' but one day later, he did.

Cover your ears because I am going to rant now.......

How could he not know that antibiotics do not help with viral infections !!!?? How many shades of stupid do you have to be to reach the age of  73 years, have numerous children and not know that one simple fact.

His late eminent scientist uncle (Dr) John, that he bragged about, must be spinning like a top at the moment.

Anyway, the gift that keeps giving, had yet another press briefing, followed by a meltdown of such proportion, I half expected to see a puddle of Fanta by the podium. I also half expected to see Mike Pence approach the podium with a straw.

To start with, there was, what can only be described as a propaganda video of sycophants lauding their leader. Not to mention, the 'leader' unabashedly preening and pointing like an unattractive peacock.

I thought we were going to catch a break and not listen to him tout his latest drug of choice but approximately 1 hour and forty six minutes into the press briefing, that magic word was uttered....

And finally ......

Just stick a cigar in the corner of his mouth, jam a stetson over his toupee, mount him on a horse and it will be like watching a spaghetti western.....just in case you have exhausted all your Netflix shows.

At the moment there is yet another live press briefing being held and Mr Trump has already demanded that a journalist be quiet, has called another journalist a showboat and threatened to leave if he (the journalist) continued talking.

Unfortunately, the journalist acquiesced, so I'm going to leave.

Until next time, stay safe.

Another look at covidiots

Has anyone noticed how this global Coronavirus Pandemic has led to the global increase in self certified 'medics'? 

These newly qualified virologists from the  Medical College of Universal Quacks, apparently know (and unfortunately insist on sharing) how to defeat covid-19.

I will concede, however, that there appears to be a smidgen of self awareness in some of these perpetrators of false hope.

They are the people who usually have friends in high places and therefore are privy to their information - A medical professor in Vienna or someone specialising in virology from Harvard University or a consultant from The Princess of Wales Hospital.

These highly regarded medical professionals apparently can't get their Governments to listen, so they contact Joe Blog to spread their priceless information.

Joe Blog then forwards the message to Mary Blog, who forwards it to Vladmir Blog, who forwards it to Deepak Blog....you get the picture.

Rena Blog has never forwarded any of them but confesses to reading them. OMG, I have just spoken about myself in the third person. I have been watching too many briefings by President Orange-a-Tan...HELP!!!

Seriously, I thought it might be worthwhile (because time is not that much of the essence these days) to have a look at some of these cures/remedies floating around in the ether.


Place half an onion in a corner of each room in your house. 
As if things aren't bad enough being cooped up indoors, you now have the all pervasive, pungent, eye watering smell of onions in every corner of your home. 

The science behind this, apparently, is that the onion absorbs all the bacteria and viruses around.

If that is true, that innocent looking onion in the corner of your room will have turned into a deadly hazard (so please don't be tempted to add it to your food if you run out of onions). 

And whether you realise it or not, a symbiotic relationship has developed between you and Onion in the corner (sorry Baby).

Onion absorbs your bacteria and viruses while you absorb and spread onion's fragrance.

Before you know it, you smell like a member of the Allium family and you will be delighted to know that your very close relative, Garlic, is also purported to be a cure for Covid.

Now, most of us know that a clove of garlic a day, consumed in the form of a tablet or raw (the way God and your friends did not intend it) is meant to have health benefits. 

Unfortunately, some people mistake a clove for a pod and consume pods of garlic with the anticipation of someone expecting a visit from Dracula.

Covid may sound like a Transylvanian vampire but it is a virus. The one plus point here, is that you don't have to worry about social distancing, most people will smell you coming a mile away.

Then there's the remedy that suggests that you tip your head back, squirt some water in each nostril, plug in your hairdryer and fire up!

The first flaw here is that corona heads for the lungs not the sinuses. It also requires very high heat to destroy it. 

Anyway, in the interest of research, I thought I'd give it a go (you cannot say that I don't go above and beyond).

You will be happy to know that I did come up with some positives.

For the duration of the process, I did not think of Covid a single time - I was too busy dealing with the nasal liquid hell I was plunged in.

It could also be the gateway to a diy nose job. If you are unhappy with the size, shape or indeed the colour of your nose, just continue for longer than I did and voila! Rhinoplasty accomplished in your own home.

disclaimer: I am in no way responsible nor have I encouraged the above stated idiotic process. The participant is being a covidiot at their own risk.

Here's another positive. You end up with luscious, shiny, dry nasal hair. A quick inter dental brush and you'll have very well groomed nostrils. May I suggest a close up nostril pic for your Instagram.

If that catches, I can see myself patenting slim tampon sized nasal hair dryers (with detachable brushes at an extra cost). 

They were right when they said that this lock down will bring out the creative side in all of us. Investors please form an orderly virtual queue while observing social distancing guidelines.

Finally, guess who is racing, uncontested, to the top of the list of covidiots who are offering untested/unverified remedies?

Be warned, his voice softens and takes on a seductive tone every time he mentions a certain medication. Quite shocking how it rolls off his tongue, when most two syllable words are a challenge.

He has also advised the American people to wear face masks although, personally, he is choosing not to wear one. Apparently it is not becoming of a President of his status to be in the Oval office, sit behind his resolute desk and greet Presidents, Kings, Queens and other high ranking diplomats, with a mask on.

Did President Dory forget about social distancing when saying that?

Any Kings, Queens, Prime Ministers and other important people that he speaks to, will be at the other end of a phone or a screen and no mask will be required for the task (and a task it will be for the poor unfortunate soul at the other end).

Mind you, it does not have to be a mask - it can be a scarf he assured everyone at least twenty five times, with accompanying little hand circular gestures.

Or perhaps in his case, that extra long red tie he likes to sport. Get Melania to help tie it, taking particular care to secure it tightly across the mouth region, just to make sure that no germs enter in and no words escape.

Well, I hope you are all having a peaceful 'Easter Palm' - we are really getting an education from this man these days.

Until next time, take care and stay safe.