A lighter take on the news

Poor Simon Cowell is probably still nursing swollen feet from his barefoot jaunt in LA. To rub salt to his corns, Strictly Come Dancing thrashed the X-factor in the ratings war last weekend.

I wonder what he’s going to try next. Perhaps shimming down Oxford Street in nothing but a grass skirt? Considering he hitches his trousers way above his navel, God forbid he does the same with his grass skirt - we will all probably see more shimming than we bargain for!

I think it is time for him to accept that the X-factor is edging towards the last letter of the alphabet Zzzzzz.

Talking of shimming, Strictly is back! Last week didn’t disappoint. The judges were their usual selves. Bruno was theatrical and mocking in equal measure, Darcey was encouraging from her perch on the fence and Craig brought his sledge hammer as always.

New judge Shirley Ballas was a breath of fresh air and appeared quite unbiased. I would like to say that I missed Len Goodman but these last couple of years he could get quite grumpy. Almost as if someone was pickling his walnuts live on television.

On last Saturday’s show, Reverend Richard descended from a cloud and then alternated between flapping around like a fallen angel and politely shooing locusts away. The only way for him  is up and if all else fails, he can get back on his cloud again.

Debbie McGee did most women of a certain age, proud. The routine involved an eye watering split and a high kick to Kilimanjaro and back, which ended in a smack on the lips between her and Giovanni. Apparently, it was unrehearsed and unexpected.

Ms. McGee later said that she got carried away in the moment. Poor Giovanni must be wondering what unexpected delights Ms McGee has in store for him at the end of their routine tonight. I can't wait for this evening's show!

Until next week, try and keep it light.

A lighter take on the news

Theresa May has declared that she is truly the Leader of the Conservative party and of Britain. Sorry to rain on our leader’s parade but does she realise that the last time she declared (over and over again) something along similar lines - ‘strong and stable government’ - she, and her Government, ended up being just the opposite and Britain got a ‘CONDUP’ Government.

To add to our leader’s woes, she has big, shaggy, blond Bobo Johnson yelping and snapping at her ankles. I bet Mrs May wishes he was still dangling from that zip wire he was stuck on sometime back.

Apparently Boris and that fine diplomatic President across the pond, are good pals. Perhaps BJ could have a word with Mr. T regarding his tweet, after the Parsons Green incident on the tube.

But then again, Boris had his 4000 word article published just six days after the incident, so maybe not.

Someone should be brave enough to stop the Orange One’s reckless tweets. His thumbs would probably get the shakes and have to go into therapy but surely it would be worth the sacrifice, to live in a Trump tweet free world.

Now, I am sure most of us don’t expect the offspring of celebrities to be rocket scientists (although Ella and Alexander Clooney may prove to be the exception). However, it is getting a bit predictable when they all appear to turn to modelling.

The latest young model to hit the runway, is Lennon Gallagher. Apparently, dad Liam said, among other things, that he would like a cut of his wages. To quote LG, ‘I am like, change your name to Lennon Kensit and see how much work you get...zilch’.

Now,  I am like, ‘Someone give the man ‘father of the year award’ or get the poor boy some therapy. I am talking about junior of course. Where Senior is concerned, that ship has sailed a long time ago.

If Liam is not careful, Noel won’t be the only family member he will be estranged from.

That, I am sure, is not the case with the Beckhams when their children ‘achieve’ fame. Even when Brooklyn managed to publish a book on photography before starting his course on photography,I can imagine David saying ‘well done mate’ while Vicky pouted proudly on.

While on the topic of Vicky and her pouts, prepare for a perpetual pout or for her pout to last until Christmas at the very least. Why? you ask. Well apparently Simon Cowell said that one of the contestants in X-factor sounded like Victoria Beckham (and he wasn’t paying the contestant a compliment).

I wonder what the ratings for the X-factor are. I only ask because Simon was seen shopping barefoot in LA. Perhaps he was taking one in the foot (or feet) for the show.

As they say, ‘no publicity is bad publicity’ even if you look rather silly walking around LA, as if it is your own personal Ashram.

Latest research shows that if you are very rich, you most likely are not happy. Good sleep and great sex apparently are the things that send your happiness barometer soaring.

Now, let it not be said that I don’t do my bit for humanity. As it happens, I am an insomniac, so my chances of happiness are as non existent as my ability to sleep. So, I suggest that you throw your millions my way. I will be a very unhappy rich person and you can live happily ever after. Yes, I know, I am all heart!

A lighter look at the news

True to his word - he can keep it when he chooses to - Tony Blair has decided to give his tuppence worth of unsolicited advice on Brexit. 

Personally, I think that Tony Blair trying to advise Britain on strategies to negotiate Brexit, is like a firefighter starting a fire and then rushing to put it out. Hail the hero!

Does he have a motive or is he just missing not being in the public eye? Perhaps he wants to be popular again. Impossible to imagine, I know, but he was popular a long, long time ago.

If that is the case, I have three words for Mr. Blair - Strictly Come Dancing. The show that fast tracks contestants on the road to popularity. Just ask Mr. Balls.

Of course TB could never replicate 'Gangnam Style' a la Balls - that will always belong to Mr. Balls but I can see him Salsa-ing to 'Despacito'.I do apologise for the mental image I have inflicted on you.

Come to think of it, I take back my suggestion. The thought of Tony Blair doing a rumba makes me slightly queasy.

From one favourite show to another - 'The Great British Bake Off'. To start with, I sulked and did not watch the first episode of the current series. I dug my heels in and vowed to not watch it this year.

No Mel, no Sue and no Mary- I thought that was most contrary. But then my sources (my girls) informed me that it was just as good on channel 4, so I threw loyalty to the wind and promptly caught up on demand 4 and have thoroughly enjoyed it since.

Unfortunately, there also appears to be a spin off - 'The Great British Fake Off'- starring Paul Hollywood, the baking world's very own George Clooney. Fifteen years ago, Paul Hollywood dressed as the Nazi character from the TV series 'allo,'allo' at a fancy dress party!

This appears to be reason enough for him to be pilloried by the media. He is very contrite and has apologised (unlike a certain ex-PM and Brexit). Also, there is the little detail that Paul Hollywood's grandfather fought the Nazis. I think it's doubly cruel since he doesn't have Mary Berry's delicate shoulder to cry on.

Tut, tut people, save your vitriol for the real white supremacists, not a celebrity baker!
Until next week, try and keep it light!🎈 

                                                              

Lighter take on the news

f

Kate and William are pregnant (again)! The exclamation mark is not because they are expecting another baby, it's because I actually
said William was pregnant...call it pc or bc (bullcrap in case you are having a slow day). I won't be offended if you go with the latter, in fact, I'll be surprised if you don't.

Kate suffers from Hyperemesis Gravidarum, a condition during pregnancy that is far more difficult to tolerate than to pronounce. Unfortunately, and often misguidedly,  a lot of women claim to have suffered from the condition while pregnant.

Now it's not like me to rant (I know.... I wrote that with a straight face) but unless you have managed to only have tiny bites of a Nutrigrain bar through the day - and heaved a sigh of relief at managing to keep it down - and unless you have managed to have the tiniest of sips of water and keep it down even though it tastes as if a teaspoon of rust has been stirred in it - and unless you have lost a stone and a half in weight, I have news for you - you have not suffered from HG.

How do I know? Exactly 18 years and 9 months ago, I suffered from HG when I was pregnant with my second daughter. I had severe morning sickness with my first, nearly 21 years ago, something that a lot of women who claim to have had HG, experience. Trust me, been there, done that and wearing the tee shirt that says, 'I know the difference.'

Now, if you are intelligent - and you must be since you are reading my blog - you will have deduced that we have two 'big' birthdays in our household this year. It is like having Christmas twice over, both in celebration and expense!

Guess who has decided to lift his halo and give it a polish? JC. Not the original JC - his halo is untarnished and has been for 2000 years. I am talking of Britain's very own JC. Yes, Jeremy Corbyn has decided to practise veganism. Someone should introduce him to Gwynnie Paltrow. I can just see her turning into a Corbynista.

I would like to write some more but alas I can't. I love the word 'alas,' I wish it would make a comeback. No other word expresses regret better than 'alas'!

Anyway, back to my reason for the slightly shorter blog. I was gutting a trout the other day (I hope you are suitably impressed) and for some reason - could be that I was holding my breath and there was a lack of oxygen going to my brain -when my right hand mistook the Peter pointer finger of my left hand for the fish's guts and tried to slice off the top of it.

Don't panic Mum, it is okay but slightly cumbersome (another word that should make a comeback) to type, with good old Peter pointing to the ceiling. Just as well it was Peter pointer and not Toby tall!

Until next week, try and keep it light! Alas, I won't - not with two big birthdays this month.

A lighter take on the news

Having not had any pearls of wisdom thrown our way by that modern day sage Gwyneth Paltrow, I assumed that she was meditating on the foothills of the Himalayas, stopping occasionally to sip wild yak's milk. 

I was convinced she would be meditating on the life enhancing qualities of yak's milk and the possibility of selling the powdered version on her website for £200/- per 100 grams, amidst claims that it helps you live to a hundred and fifty six.

Well, I was wrong. She is very much around. Apparently, in a recent interview, she voiced her regret at parting ways with Brad Pitt. You may not remember that she dated Brad Pitt and who would blame you? It was over 20 years ago.

Now, I wonder if she is voicing her regrets because they have both 'consciously uncoupled' from their respective spouses. Perhaps she is hoping to replace 'Brangelina' with 'Braltrow' or 'Palpitt'. All I will say is, 'run for the Himalayas Brad!'

Talking of consciously uncoupling, the Brexit talks are going nowhere at breakneck speed. The EU representatives are doing a Jerry Maguire "show me the money" impersonation and Britain's representatives are trying to style it out with, 'yeah, yeah, of course we will show you some money eventually but first....'

It's like the two sides are having a staring competition, waiting for the other to blink first. Personally, I wish someone would  poke both sides in the eye simultaneously - perhaps then we'll get somewhere. 

Who knew Mariah Carey was such a tease?! In a recent video for Vogue.com, a glass of champagne in hand, she showed off her wardrobe and when it got to the lingerie section, she coyly said that she would love to walk around her home in just her lingerie. 

You go right ahead Ms. Carey, just make sure your blinds are down. That's what I would call having your champagne and drinking it.

A deputy head of a London School has suggested that parents should not talk about diets and weight in front of their daughters. I think this deputy head should take a trip to Goa, where not just parents, but grandparents, aunties, uncles, other assorted relatives, friends, acquaintances and on the odd occasion, even strangers, take a pop at your weight.

Until next week, try and keep it light!