The lighter side of Sussexit... Part III

Granny, who was also Queen of the Kingdom, decreed another decree and declared in the new decree, that although he was still a prince, Hairy was not to be reminded that he was a prince. He was only to be reminded that he was Hairy.

And Cinderella was to be Cinderella and baby Liberace was to be baby Liberace but not when he was no longer a baby. 

When they lived in the Kingdom,  Prince Hairy (who was called a 'Prince' then) and Cinderella, lived in a cottage that had more frogs than any other cottage in the Kingdom.

Cinderella had quit kissing frogs after she had met her prince, so she did want to live in a cottage that had more frogs.

So, the frogs were bribed with money from the 'Go Fund Me' page that the people had funded, to leave the cottage forever. 

But now Granny said that Hairy and Cinderella were going to top up the Go Fund Me page, so the people did not have to be cross anymore.

Sadly, most people were still cross. The  special people with cameras and computers were still the crossest of all the cross people. And Pisst Jargon was still purple with apoplectic crossness.

It was presumed that the nouveau riche frogs were the only ones in the Kingdom, who were not cross.

A few people said that this was not true. They said that they too were not cross and to show their lack of crossness, they walked around in jackets that were invented by Queen Melonya? (from the Kingdom across the big pond that was ruled by King Frump).

Some people were worried about Pisst Jargon because he was beginning to look like a purple door that had come away from its hinges.

So, they offered a reward for anyone who could find the marbles that Jargon had lost on the platform that was called Social.

Hairy was preparing to cross the big pond to get to Cinderella and baby Liberace and he was happy because he would not have to borrow Greater Iceberg's sailboat. He could fly again.

In the meanwhile, Prince Randy had not stopped sweating. Only now he was sweating so much, he was under suspicion of causing flash floods and making everything salty.

This made him apprehensive that he may no longer be called Prince. He would just be called Randy. 

And a Randy Prince can get away with so much more than just an ordinary Randy person.

Until next time, try and keep it light.

The lighter side of King Frump Part I

Once upon a time, there was a man who was the King of the most powerful country in the world. His name was King Frump.

The people in the Kingdom were divided in their opinion of King Frump - some of the people thought that he was the best thing since sliced bread (even though sliced bread had not yet been invented) and some of the people did not like sliced bread, and so they did not like King Frump and wished that he had not been invented.

King Frump mostly talked to his people after climbing onto the platform that was called Social and he turned into the angriest of all the angry birds on that platform.

He made the meanest of all the mean tweeting sounds on the platform and of all his mean tweeting sounds, the meanest were about the king who ruled before him - King O'Charmer.

But King O'Charmer did not pay him or his mean tweeting sounds, the slightest bit of heed - he was living his happily ever after life, with his two daughters and his wife, Seashell O'Charmer.

However, not all of King Frump's tweeting sounds were mean. He made some nice tweeting sounds about his friend King Putout. King Putout lived in a far away country and ruled his people with an iron fist. King Frump also ruled his people with an iron fist but it was a tiny iron fist.

Sometimes, they liked going horse riding together. King Frump's favourite horse was a pony called Squattie, on account of the fact that he always looked like he was squatting.

When King Frump rode on Squattie, his feet touched the ground and he felt safe.

King Putout liked to ride stallions without upper garments - King Putout, that is, not the stallions - although they too had no garments, not even saddles.

King Frump had a wife, Queen MelonYa? The people in the Kingdom said that Queen MelonYa?'s face looked like she had just played a game of cards, that was called poker. 

(MelonYa? was King Frump's third wife. His first wife was called FellonYa and his second wife was called TellonYa).

They said that MelonYa? had a face that looked like she had just played a game of cards that was called Poker on account of her face having no expression.

But that was not true. Sometimes when she was in the close proximity of  the King of the Country next to theirs   - King Cointreau - her face looked like she had just played a game called Russian Roulette, quite flushed and full of expression.

King Frump had a daughter, who he would have liked to make his queen but he was not allowed, so he made her a princess instead - Princess Savannah.

He also had some sons but he could not remember their names, so he made them all Princes and let them work in his Court.

Things in the King's Court, called The Bright House, were looking good but then things started to look not so good.

The people did not know what really happened but they knew that it involved a peach. 

There were unsubstantiated claims that he coveted a peach. 

But some people said that he impersonated a peach. (Rumour had it that he ran around the Bright House dressed as a peach, shouting 'I'm peach', 'I'm peach'). 

A procrastinator lady called Fancy Pay Lucy, decided to listen to him and Impeach.

Now no one knows what will happen, but his followers, the Frumpians, are certain that he will be fine - he is after all, the best thing that has happened to them since sliced bread.

The rest of the people still wish that he hadn't been invented.

Until next week, try and keep it light.

The lighter side of Sussexit Part II

The Prince and Cinderella had almost reached the pond where they planned to escape (they had left their baby in the Country next to hers), when the Prince remembered that he had not said goodbye to his Granny.

He did not want to make Granny sad, so Cinderella went by herself to the country next to hers, to be with baby Liberace (he was a very flamboyant baby), and Prince Hairy (so named because of the hair on his face) went to the Palace to meet his granny and also his father Prince Gnarls and his brother, Prince Pills.

The Prince's family had been quiet all along, on account of their upper lips being a bit stiff.

Now, the people in the Kingdom who had been cross with Cinderella for leaving baby Liberace by himself in the country next to hers, were cross with her for going back to her baby and leaving the Prince to go to Granny's all by himself.

They were playing a game of Damned if you do and damned if you don't, with Cinderella and Prince Hairy, but mostly with Cinderella. They said that it was not Hairy's fault since he had not yet found his spine.

The special people with the cameras and computers were happy because they could be cross once again. But Pisst Jargon was no longer cross and he was no longer apoplectic. He was beyond apoplectic crossness.

So beyond apoplectic crossness was he, that he turned purple, like carrots in the olden days, before they became orange, which was the colour of his friend, King Frump.

The people of the Kingdom, the people of the world, the evil people with cameras and computers and the purple Pisst Jargon, all climbed onto a huge platform called Social, and turned into birds. They turned into very angry birds, who made very angry tweeting sounds.

The angry birds who made mean tweeting sounds about Cinderella and her hairy Prince, were cross with the angry birds who made nice tweeting sounds about them and the angry birds who made nice tweeting sounds about them, were cross with the angry birds who made mean tweeting sounds about them. 

All the angry birds on the platform that was social, had feathers that were ruffled.

Meanwhile, in the Palace, Prince Hairy's Granny kindly decreed that the Prince, Cinderella and baby Liberace, could live in the Kingdom and also in the Country next to hers.

When the decree was read out to the people, some of the cross people who had come down from the platform called Social, clambered back on and  joined the angry birds who had never left the platform.

Some even tweeted that if the Hairy Prince's Windsurfer family, who lived in the Palace, no longer got to wear crowns and jewels and medals, it would all be the fault of Cinderella.

When he heard this, the Prince's uncle, Prince Randy, was filled with joy. He had been apprehensive that if such a thing happened, the fault would be his, on account of him being under suspicion for not being able to sweat - this had caused him quite a lot of discomfort.

But he remembered what his Mummy had said to him when he was a little boy, One does not complain. So, he did not complain - he bravely took it on his double chins.

Now, so filled with joy and gratitude was he, that he unrolled a scroll and wrote 'thank you' on it. That is what it looked like he wrote, but it was hard to tell, as the ink that he dipped  his quill into, was smudged.

This was on account of his pores that were sealed since Prince Randy had fought in the War for the Land of Forks, opening up and causing sweat to pour onto the  parchment of his scroll. 

Will Prince Hairy, Cinderella and baby Liberace get to live happily ever after? 

Not if the angry birds on the platform that is social, the evil people with cameras and computers and the very purple Pisst Jargon have anything to do with it. 

Until next time, try and keep it light.

The lighter side of Sussexit

Once upon a time not so long ago, a beautiful actress met a young Prince and to cut a long, real life fairy tale, short, he asked her to marry him and she said yes.

She was truly a modern day Cinderella.

The people of the Kingdom started a Go Fund Me page to raise money for what was to be the most memorable day in the Prince's and Cinderella's lives but most importantly, in the lives of the people in the Kingdom. 

The day of the wedding arrived and the people were deliriously happy. 

Unfortunately, just like the original Cinderella, the bride had a mean family, who sold mean stories to people with cameras and computers, who then sold it to the people in the kingdom and all over the world.

The people read the stories but most of them did not mind. Some even felt sorry for the bride and her Prince. At least she has a lovely mother, they consoled themselves and each other. 

They looked forward to her doing her duty, walking beside her husband, looking pretty and mostly keeping her mouth shut.

But then she started to have opinions and, goodness gracious, she dared to share them. How dare she preach about the environment and then travel by air to her destinations, the people cried, forgetting to be happy.

How dare she not emulate that young climate change activist, Greater Iceberg and put her money where her mouth is, they cried crossly. 

If Cinderella and her Prince were going to preach to them, the decent thing to do, would be to travel in a zero emission sail boat, like Ms.Iceberg.

However, the people were not as cross as the special people with cameras and computers. Now they were really cross. 

They were almost apoplectic with crossness. 

The crossest of all the cross people with cameras and computers, was a person called Pisst Jargon. He could not stop saying mean things about Cinderella and slowly, some people started to become almost as mean as the evil people with cameras and computers.

Then the couple were expecting a baby and people were  happy once again. But not all the people were happy.  Some people were unhappy because they thought that she had a pretend bump and was expecting a pretend baby.

When she had a real baby, they were cross because the new parents did not share pictures of the real baby (except for a foot) and they did not tell the people who the fairy Godparents of the baby were.

When Cinderella and her Prince were out and about with the people of the Kingdom and with the people of the world, Cinderella kept touching her Prince's back to remind him that he had a spine. She knew that he was very upset because some people said that he had lost his spine.

Like all first time parents, they got very tired and decided to go on holiday to her Country.  But then they remembered her mean relatives. So, they went to the country next to hers, the land of King  Cointreau.

A few weeks later, they returned to the Kingdom to say that they would like to quit, as they quite liked living in the country next to hers and would like to spend quite a lot of time there.

Also, the Go Fund Me page could now be closed. Most people were now cross and sad.

Once again, the crossest and the saddest of all, were the evil people with cameras and computers. 

Their fairy tale was changing before their eyes and they sadly and crossly watched as their English Prince prepared to escape across the pond with the goose that laid their golden eggs.

However, not everyone was unhappy.  Indeed two men were so happy, they kept reaching into their pockets and touching their 'Get out of jail free' card.   

They were the Prince's Uncle, Prince Randy and the leader of Cinderella's Country, King Frump.

(Prince Randy was under suspicion for his inability to sweat and King Frump was wanted for impersonating a peach).

Until next time, try and keep it light.

A lighter look at the news

You would have to be living under a rock these days, to have not heard of Greta Thunberg. In fact, I am convinced that even those living under rocks have heard of her.

I wouldn't be surprised if at the monthly Crabs' Jamboree, the crabs come out of their shells to whisper through cupped claws (the band, 'Crashing Waves', can be rather loud at these occasions) about this young lady who is fighting the good fight for them and their fellow creatures.

Anyway, on the show 'Celebrity Mastermind' (no less), when 'Casualty' actress Amanda Henderson was asked to name the 17 year old Swedish climate change activist, she appeared flummoxed for the briefest of  seconds,  before taking a wild (but firmly delivered) guess - 'Sharon'. You've got to admit, they don't come any wilder than that.

Now, I am not one to judge (please refrain from commenting) but if I was Ms Henderson (and at this point, I am very grateful that I am not), I would at the very least go for 'Anni-Frid' or 'Agnetha'.

Well, a decade or two ago, it would be just the audience present at the show who would have 'howled with laughter' but these days you can't sneeze into your armpit instead of your elbow, without it going viral.

Anyway, as they say, there is no such thing as bad publicity and if it is any consolation to Amanda Henderson, 5 million people now know who she is (and that a show called 'Casualty' exists on the BBC).

In case you're wondering how I know, that is the number of clicks that clip received on it's viral journey.

Talking of viral journeys, it is amazing how many powerful (only because of the nations they lead), middle aged men have used social media to have a go at Greta.

There's Mr Twitter himself, President Trump (of the US), President Putin (who needs no introduction, otherwise he may be put out), President Bolsonaro (of Brazil) and then there's Meatloaf (singer of the US, not of the oven).

Despite her impassioned speeches delivered with a fixed gaze, Greta  does have a sense of humour. 

She changed her twitter account name to 'Sharon' after the Mastermind debacle and when Trump tweeted  that she should chill, watch a good old fashioned film with a friend and work on her anger management (the Orange calling the Peach, orange) she updated her twitter bio to read as: 'Teenager working on her anger management problem and currently watching a good old fashioned movie with a friend.'

However, there was no trace of humour when their paths crossed in the UN lobby in New York in September. 

Fortunately, Trump did not see the look she gave him. He would've ended up in a puddle on the floor, like a dropped barrel of Fanta.

Until next time, try and keep it light.

A lighter look at the news

On New Year's eve, Pope Francis was going about his business, doing what Popes do - walking around St. Peter's Square, smiling, meeting the faithful, saying 'how do you do?' 

He started to walk away from a group of people, when a woman (of unknown name, so we shall call her Ms Loon, for convenience sake) grabbed his hand and pulled him towards her.

By this time, mortification should have set in on her part but she is not named Ms Loon for nothing, so she carried on holding his hand in a vice-like grip.

Also, in my opinion, his security should have intervened by now  and extricated Ms Loon and her hands from his holiness and his hand.

Alas, they did not, so his holiness had to literally take matters into his own hands. A couple of firm smacks on Ms Loon's grasping digits and he was a free man.

He did what any 83 year old would do when physically threatened. However, he is the head of the Catholic Church, so he has apologised and sought forgiveness. 

I hope Ms Loon does the same.

Mind you, as a show of good will, the Vatican could offer to pay for Ms Loon to have a few therapy sessions.

Not because she appears to think nothing of grabbing and flinging the elderly about (although there is that) but - if you're Catholic - the Pope is the last person on God's earth whose wrath you want to incur. 

Until next time, try and keep it light and be kind to each other, especially the elderly.