A lighter look at 2017!

I can hardly believe a whole year has passed and we are once again bracing ourselves to ring in another year. Now the year has not been perfect. No year ever is. But Mariah Carey didn’t set us off to a good start with her performance or, should I say non-performance, at last year’s New Year’s Eve in New York.

Mimi smiled vacantly, interspersed with some mumbling. I wonder if she has reached a point in her ‘diva’ journey where she genuinely thinks just gracing the stage with her presence is enough.

Not an opinion shared by her backing dancers though. Oblivious to the fact that not a single note was being sung by the main star, they busted their dance moves as if Mims was in full volume.

Apparently, she is being given another chance this year. Watch this space……..

In June this year, Theresa ‘the Gambler’ May shot herself in her designer clad, strong and stable foot by calling for an election and has since been limping along with a ConDup party.

To give Tay May credit, her refrain still stays the same, ‘Brexit means Brexit’. I have one question to ask, ‘What else could it mean?’

Even if we carry on in the European Union, Brexit would still mean Brexit. It couldn’t possibly mean anything else. Just like bs still means bs.

I have a New Year’s resolution suggestion for Tay May. No more ditties. No more ‘Strong and Stable’. No more ‘Brexit means Brexit’. Just suck on your birthday present lozenge (thank you Mr. Hammond) and give your voice a much needed  rest.

Remember all those years ago when there was a suspicion that Iraq hoarded weapons of mass destruction? A war was fought on that presumption.

Well, now there is a small hand hovering over a button and one push of said button by said small hand, could unleash mass destruction. Where is Tony Blair when you need him?

All I can say is, if there ever is a threat that the hand will descend on the button, I hope Melania is around. As we have seen, she is an expert in swatting her husband's hand away.

My favourite photo this year is of the Trumps posing with Pope Francis. Ivanka and Melania were dressed as if they were attending a funeral, with expressions to match.

Pope Francis had a look that suggested that for the first time he regretted taking up the position of Pontiff because it obliged him to meet with the man to his right. Undeterred by all the gloom around him, the man to his right grinned delightedly, like a cat who ate all the potica. Pictorial gold.

In a 1998 world cup football match, the proverbial red mist descended on David Beckham, resulting in him kicking an opposing Argentinian footballer and then being made to literally see red by way of a card brandished by the referee.

Well, all these years later, there was a similar descending of red mist when the Honours List was announced and Mr. Beckham was to stay just that -Mister Beckham. In other words, no Sir, not this time.

He unleashed furious, four lettered emails, which unfortunately for him, later got leaked.Here I was thinking that he did all those charitable works because he realised/appreciated his good fortune. After all, not everyone with good-but-not-great talent gets to be so lucky.

Not that I blame him. He must have already planned his next tattoo in honour of his knighthood - 'Sir Golden Balls' perhaps?

Victoria probably designed her gown in anticipation and spent ages practising her slightly delighted pout. How terribly, terribly disappointing not to be rewarded after all that effort.

Never mind David, you will always have King Arthur and your role as Trigger the Knight. No one can take that away from you...no matter how hard you try!

.If you ever do anything remotely embarrassing, I have a remedy that is guaranteed to make you feel better. Just watch the Warren Beatty/ Faye Dunaway cock up at this year’s Oscars.

Mr Beatty wasn’t sure what to do and like a drowning man, he decided to take his co-presenter down with him, by handing her the card to read the ‘Best Picture’ award. Without missing a beat, Runaway Dunaway read the wrong film and the rest is Oscars’ history.

Finally, I would like to end my last blog of the year, featuring Gemma Collins in a ‘Should’ve gone to Specsavers’ moment.

Here's wishing everyone who is reading this, A Very Happy New Year!! May 2018 be filled with lots of light moments for all of us!!

It's a rant!!!

A new high (or should I say low) in the commercialisation of Christmas - toilet paper with images of Christmas trees on them. Not just  drab Christmas trees but each tree adorned with a star at the top. 

Really??? Do the manufacturers of these toilet rolls not know what their product is used for? Or maybe it's just their way of wishing us a Crappy Christmas. Rant over. 

A lighter take on the news

Poor Amir Khan! He must realise that he missed his true calling. I know he is a great boxer and has won many accolades, trophies and medals as one, but I reckon he could literally give Usain Bolt a run for his money.

During his challenge in 'I’m a Celeb.', he put in his hand (through a hole in the wall) and pulled out a snake! Now, if a ‘hand’ was called a ‘rake’ or indeed a ‘snake’ was called a ‘snand’, we would have a marvellous modern day nursery rhyme.

Alas (doing my best for the word), a hand is a hand and a snake is a snake. So, no nursery rhyme glory for me. Little Jack Horner must be giddy with relief.

Anyway, going back to Britain’s boxer turned sprinter, Amir was, impressively, able to multi task, shouting, ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of here’, at the same time as sprinting the hell out of there.

When the celebrity and his poor minion (Toff who was bitten to within an inch of her life) were out, the men, Ant, ‘a very small man’ Dec and Lightening Khan, proceeded to chat, while poor Toff jumped around as if she had ants in her pants. Well, come to think of it,  she probably did.

Someone on Gogglebox called him a ‘big girls’ blouse’. Whatever happened to the word ‘sissy’? At least the word ‘sissy’ doesn’t end up offending big girls and blouses. How dare anyone suggest that blouses (irrespective of the size of the wearer) are inferior to shirts.

The Patriarch of the Johnson family appears to be having a marvellous vacation in the jungle. Unsurprisingly, he appears to be exempt from most challenges, so a stress free time is being had by Stan the Man.

If you listen to Boris and you listen to Pater Johnson, you might think that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. But I refuse to call Boris an apple - I actually like apples. So, ‘A chip of the old block’ will have to do. Or, considering who we are talking about, a big chunk of the old block is probably more appropriate.

Apparently, Robert Mugabe wishes to be forgiven. I am surprised that he actually hasn’t demanded that he be forgiven.

I know he is 93 years old but surely he hasn’t forgotten the two words that usually precede a request for forgiveness - ‘mea culpa’. I suspect every wingless creature will take flight before that happens.

I am still recovering from watching Debbie McGee’s Argentine Tango. If only Shirley Ballas had not impulsively and prematurely handed over her invisible ‘Latin Queen’ crown to Debbie for her Charleston, last night would have been the perfect time to do so.

However, she did enthuse about Debbie’s balance. Apparently, the balance of Ballas is not as good as the balance of McGee. That was the balanced view of Ballas.

Now, I don’t want to offend Susan’s army of fans (since I do not have an army of readers, I think I am safe) but she, or should I say her fans, are getting on my last nerve.

‘She is what the show is about’ they rave. ‘She is improving every week’, they gush. ‘She is so entertaining’, they proclaim.

Well, if Susan is what the show is about and everyone danced like her, trust me, I would probably stop watching it. In fact, I would not have started watching it in the first place.

As for her ‘improving’ every week, sorry, guys but Specsavers beckons, just to make sure you don’t need to change the prescription on your rose tinted glasses.

To give Susan her due, she does learn her routine thoroughly and shows no nerves as she proceeds to march through her steps with army like precision.

The one thing I do agree with, is that she is entertaining. Not so much on the dance floor as in the ‘Clauditorium’.  When she is in the ‘Clauditorium’, I play a game that is the opposite to ‘Where's Wally’.

‘Where's Susan’ requires no effort. All you need to do is predict where she will appear every time someone appears to block her, because appear she does - just where is the challenge!

I have found it hugely entertaining and on the remote chance she gets voted out this week, I shall miss playing ‘Finding Susan’. Alas, it’s too late to have it in the shops by Christmas. My retirement will just have to wait.

Until next year, try and keep it light!

No, I did not make a mistake,  I am taking a break from the ‘Lighter news’. At least, that is the plan, although I may  just do a Susan and pop up from time to time!

If I don’t, have a decadent December (let’s be honest, we all do) and I will try my best to sharpen my feathered pen for 2018.

A lighter take on the news

Apparently, Donald Trump was quite the statesman when he toured Asia recently. That is, until his dear friend Kimmy decided to call him an 'old lunatic'. 

Hell hath no fury than the Donald scorned. How dare Kimmy call him old! In Mr. T's world, what can be chronologically proven, is apparently considered fake news but what is debatable, like being called a lunatic (although, in this case, not a lot of debate would be required I would imagine), is okay.

Anyway, the Presidential thumbs got busy and a counter insult was issued by way of a tweet. Mr T. said that he would never call Kimmy 'short and fat', thereby, calling him short and fat! Calling each other lunatics and fat .... I would imagine if the term 'takes one to know one' wasn't coined yet, it certainly would now. 

Theresa May seems to have found the key to successful Brexit talks. Her smile! Yes, it appears to be something as simple as a Tay May smile. Michel Barnier looked positively mesmerised as he sat opposite to her. 

The more she smiled - she even threw in an occasional beam - the more he appeared to acquiesce. Just as well they were sitting down, otherwise he 'may' have gone week in the knees.

At least, that is my take on it. I watched it for a bit on TV but didn't listen to any of it. No, May's hypnotic smile didn't cast a spell on me. The weather outside was depressing enough and seeing the PM smile after such a long time, gave me hope. False hope, most likely, but hope nonetheless.

Boris Johnson has at last apologised to Nazanin's family for his blunder. One would now hope that he keeps a low profile. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that there aren't other Johnsons lurking about.

Papa Johnson is all set to appear in 'I am a celebrity, get me out of here.' How about, 'I am not a celebrity, don't get me in here'.

Remember Michael Gove? Former Education Minister, then Brexiteer, who tried to back stab Bobo Johnson to become Prime Minister? Fittingly, neither got to be PM.

Looking at him, one would think even an archaeologist would be hard pressed to find a single humourous bone in his body and one would think right.

In an interview with Radio 4, he likened being interviewed by John Humphrys, to walking into Harvey Weinstein's bedroom. Stick to back stabbing your colleagues Mr Gove - it's far less insulting and when BJ is at the receiving end, it may even be a tiny bit funny.

Last Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing was very enjoyable. Perhaps it's because none of the judges worshipped at the altar of Debbie McGee. They did still fawn but I can't imagine them ever not fawning over Ms McGee.

I suspect she could turn up in a sack and roly-poly around the dance floor and Shirley would say, 'I have travelled the world and seen top professional dancers  but I have never seen such graceful roly- polying with such amazing musicality and timing', before brandishing a 10!

Anton du Beke and Ruth were voted out. Quite rightly, I should think, although Anton did miss a trick. I have a feeling it was his wardrobe that kept them in all this time.

So, when they did their foxtrot, Ruth did do her bit by trotting for England but Anton did not do anything gimmicky with his wardrobe (this time). A foxes' outfit might have done the trick.  Sadly (I am being kind) Ruth, Anton and his wardrobe are out of Strictly.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter look at the weekly news

During Theresa May and Angela Merkel's recent verbal cha cha cha-ing (apologies for the mental picture this might paint but if you want to go further and add short, sequinned skirts, I won't judge), otherwise known as Brexit talks, I bet Mrs May thought that things could not possibly get any worse for her. Well, as it happens, things got even more messy for Tessy.

Her Deputy resigned on allegations of sexual misconduct and there are a few more who may follow him. Add to that the blundering boob that is Boris and you might wonder how long she and her party can cling on to power.

After all, the DUP part of the CONDUP party make up just 10 MPs. What will happen if more than 10 MPs are forced to leave the Conservative party?

Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. So, perhaps a coalition of the Conservatives, Lib Dems (been there, done that and Nick Clegg is wearing the tee shirt) and the SNP?

Now, I confess to not knowing much about the DUP. I know that they are led by a handsome woman (google her name if you care) but by and large she has been fairly quiet.

Can you imagine if the Conservatives form a coalition with the Lib Dems and the SNP? Braveheart Sturgeon will give new meaning to the word 'vociferous'.

Man of the people, Jeremy Corbyn - our modern day JC, decided to appear on a TV show of the people, albeit for charity. He appeared on Gogglebox and got very excited when a 'History' question was asked during University Challenge.

He moved to the very edge of the sofa, rolled up his sleeves, listened intently to the question.... and came up with the wrong answer. Oh my! He doesn't walk on water after all. The Corbynistas must be devasted.

I am beginning to suspect that Paul Daniels appears to be practising magic from beyond the grave. That is the only explanation I have for the strange behaviour of the Strictly judges.

Last week, Head Judge, Shirley Ballas, bestowed her invisible Latin Queen Crown on Debbie McGee and last Saturday, Craig behaved in a manner I would only reserve for God, if he appeared to me.

After Debbie and Giovanni finished their tango, when it was Craig’s turn to comment, he stood up and, and in a trance-like manner, walked to Debbie and sank to his knees, rocking back and forth with his arms outstretched. Poor Giovanni went in for a hug before realising that it was Debbie who was being lauded.

What can we expect this evening? Darcy to hand over her Prima Ballerina title to Debbie or for Bruno to genuflect and cross himself in front of her?

Someone needs to remind the judges that there is a reason why they are given paddles with numbers on them. Use them to show your appreciation. That is all  we ask - not your cringeworthy, OTT, physical demonstrations.

I thought that Anton's flamingo pink wardrobe for this Samba with Ruth was about as funny as it was going to get. I was wrong. His flared trousers for his Paso Doble were something to behold. He could probably harbour a herd of bulls in them.

He then proceeded to stumble and fall at the end of their routine, taking Ruth with him. Not that she appeared to mind. She gleefully jumped on him and proceeded to straddle him. Tut, tut BBC (and Ruth), it's a family show.

That's the problem with live shows. No editing. I would give good money to have that particular scene edited out. On second thoughts, maybe not. After all, I pay my licence fee.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

I

A lighter take on the news

Ewan McGregor has split from  his wife of 15 years. Apparently, he is now seeing his Fargo co-star, Mary Elizabeth Winstead. His wife is furious not just because she invited Ms. Winstead to their home but she is even more furious because she has discovered that Ms Winstead had a huge crush on Ewan when she was in her teens.

Well, I had a huge crush on Harrison Ford when I was in my teens. Bet Calista Flockhart is quaking in her shoes.

Bless Prue Leith. Apparently no one introduced her to the concept of time zones. So,when she was in Asia this week, she rushed to tweet her congratulations to the winner of the Great British Bake Off, before the final was aired in Britain.

If I were you, I wouldn’t worry for too long Prue. The Godfather of gaffes across the pond will tweet something that causes outrage or offence (most likely, both) and you will be off the hook.

I am not sure if it is an annual thing, but the White House had a Halloween party this year. I saw a picture of Melania looking up in mock horror at an orange dinosaur.

No, she wasn’t looking at her husband - don’t be silly, I used the word ‘mock’ remember?

It was Halloween week on Strictly last Saturday and all the contestants and Judges looked great except for Bruno, who looked like a zebra with an insomnia problem.

Alas for Ballas, her fave Simon was voted out of the competition. He later posted an x-ray of his injured thigh. I was sorely disappointed that he did not post an x-ray of his achilles heel of seven years ago alongside it.

Despite being dressed as Cruella, Shirley Ballas was all heart. She generously lifted her invisible Latin Queen ‘crown’ and gave it to Debbie McGee. I really like watching grown ups play make believe….not a lot.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter look at the news

The Orange One across the pond is at it again. Not that he ever stopped but this time he and his thumbs have taken on a grieving pregnant widow of a Sergeant who was killed in Niger.

The widow claimed that during a condolence telephone conversation, DT couldn’t remember her husband’s name - ironically the husband’s name  is ‘La Donald’, so how difficult could it be for The Donald to remember the name La Donald, is beyond me (and most people I guess).

Displaying classic ‘Empathy Bypass Syndrome’, the President took to twitter to refute her claim. I will repeat my suggestion of a few weeks’ back -  take the phone away and put the thumbs into therapy. Don’t worry about the brain, it doesn’t appear to engage with the thumbs while tweeting.

There’s a woman called Sophie Tanner who was so desperate to be guaranteed perpetual marital bliss, she married who she thought was her perfect partner - herself!

Now, if you are single and tempted - I know you don’t have too far to look and you have the added advantage of already knowing your ‘partner’ -  please don’t rush off to book the priest and the venue.

What Ms Tanner didn’t take into account is that we don’t always keep promises to ourselves. So, she cheated on herself and had an affair with some chap.

But now the affair is over and she has forgiven herself (so much easier when you are married to yourself) and hopes to live happily ever after. She and her ‘spouse’ have come to an agreement that this is their last chance. So, another affair and she will divorce herself.

That is why I urged you not to book the priest and venue. It is far more complicated than it sounds. I suggest that youh go back to Tinder (or whatever other matchmaking website you prefer).

Now you may not know this but Meghan Markle has a half sister. Up until recently, I doubt if Meghan remembered that she had a big sister, as apparently, they have been estranged for ten years.

As always, where there is fame, there are relatives who turn up to give their tuppence worth. Actually, they probably get more than tuppence, which is why they appear in the first place.

Anyway, Samantha Markle has spoken ‘affectionately’ of her little sister Meghan and thinks that, should Meghan and Harry marry, (love the rhyme), they will be amazing together. But, just in case it doesn’t work out between Meghan and Harry, big sister has decided to cash in right now and write a book.

The book is about the sisters’ life together - ‘a beautiful, warm, witty story.’ The title of said book - The Diary of Princess Pushy’s Sister.’ I couldn’t think of a more beautiful, warm and witty title, could you?

Strictly Come Dancing was fab on Saturday despite the absence of judge Bruno and his accompanying verbal and physical histrionics.

I know that Head Judge Shirley Ballas has an impeccable pedigree where dance is concerned. What I did not know was how ruthless she can be in psychological warfare.

Simon and Brian were in the dance off and of course we all know how much Shirley lurrrves Simon. So, when she was asked if she had any tips for Brian to improve in the dance off, she looked him straight in the eye and said ‘do not make any mistakes.’

Considering he hadn’t made any noticeable mistakes in the first place, I am not sure that it was suitable ‘advice’ but that did not stop Shirley from repeating her ‘do not make any mistakes’ advice a couple more times.

What did Brian proceed to do in the dance off? Make mistakes of course! Actually, so did Simon but we all know how much Shirley lurrrves Simon. You don’t need more than one guess to know who went through.

I have a bone to pick with Strictly. You know when there is an eclipse, we are told not to look directly at the sun? Well, why were we not given similar advice before Ruth and Anton’s routine? Those shimmering, sequinned trousers every time Anton moved cried out for eye protection!

Also, a storm warning would have been thoughtful. I could feel a gust in my living room and had to hang on to the arms of my chair every time he moved his arms.

At least I am assuming there were arms under those heavily frilled sleeves! I haven’t laughed so much since Mr Balls and his hip thrusting ‘Love Potion No. 9’ routine last year!

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter take on the news

Sorry to repeat myself but we all know that the Brexit talks appear to be going nowhere at breakneck speed on a treadmill. The EU are playing hardball and Britain is threatening to break away without a deal.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and I have a suggestion that might just work. At this point in time, the PM doesn’t have much to lose anyway.

So, at the next Brexit talks, she could borrow Susan Calman’s Wonder Woman outfit from Strictly (anything will be an improvement from her patchwork blazer) and perhaps swap Wonder Woman’s cape for the Union Jack.

She can then get onto the podium, rock up to the microphone and belt out Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I will survive’. It might even send a message to her own cabinet ministers.

I have just heard on the news that Theresa May has left the Brexit talks today ‘not empty handed’. Which means a tiny crumb has been pressed into the palm of her hand but it’s still all about the money.

I assure you I am not living under a rock but for some reason, the fact that the media call Taylor Swift ‘Tay Tay’ completely passed me by until this week.

Well, I have yet another suggestion for our PM. Her people could try to get the media to start calling her Tay May. This affectionate nickname might endear her to some people (and she might actually fly when she dons on ‘Wonder Woman’s outfit).

Also, she could extend an invitation to Taylor Swift to visit 10 Downing Street. Tay May could have Tay Tay over for afternoon tea.

Some of Jeremy Corbyn’s young followers might change allegiance. You never know, stranger things have happened. We all know that Tay Tay has sway sway (couldn’t help myself) over quite a few young fans.

A Tory MP, Tim Loughton has said that he takes an hour long bath in the morning. Why on earth would someone luxuriate in a bath for an hour in the morning?

I personally would go straight back to bed if I had an hour long bath in the morning. I think (and this is only a suspicion) that Mr. Loughton is deflecting to justify the hour he spends in the bathroom.

If you look at his pic (below) those eyebrows don’t groom themselves. The effort and skill to balance the sparse with the lush, to end up with such a dramatic and uplifting effect cannot be achieved in the blink of an eye.

Last Saturday saw the departure of Charlotte from SCD. I personally think she should have been given an automatic pass into the next round after Shirley called her ‘Mollie’ and there was no immediate correction. For all we know, some of Mollie’s votes may have been intended for Charlotte.

Charlotte did improve, albeit through little baby steps. Nevertheless, I thought that was what the show was about - to see improvement. Shame no one appeared to have told the judges that, when they were scoring her.

It probably took Charlotte as much effort to do her routine as it did seasoned performer Alexandra to do her fabulous jive. I did love it though. I cannot wait for her Samba tomorrow.

Somehow Simon and Brian managed to get through to the next round and Davood ended up in the ‘Dance off’ with Charlotte. Simon’s shirt was so loud, you could hear it a mile away before they (he and his shirt) arrived.

Not sure about the dress Head Judge,Shirley Ballas, wore on Saturday’s show. It looked less Strictly, more ‘Amadeus’. She also looked terrified that she was going to trip over.  Bruno wafting next to her was probably more a hindrance that any sort of reassurance.

Unsurprisingly, Davood got voted through to next week.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter take on the news

Apparently, the EU talks have reached a stalemate. I can't see anyone raising even a fraction of a millimetre of their eyebrows in surprise at this 'news'. It's not all doom and gloom though. 

I have a suggestion for any budding entrepreneurs who may be reading this blog. Bring out a new board game in time for Christmas. Call it 'Post Brexit! - The Ball is in your Court.'

The game could involve giving non-answers to important, relevant questions, followed by the chucking of a marble sized ball into the opponent's 'court' with a simultaneous shout of 'the ball is in your court!'

To make it even more interesting (or scary), the game could include masks of Theresa May, David Davis, Merkel, Juncker and whoever else takes part in these talks. (Said masks could be brought out for Halloween the following year).

I don't like poking fun at someone when they are down, so I will resist the urge to comment on the multi coloured patch work blazer Mrs May sported recently. All I will say is that someone who has Mrs M's interest at heart, should check on the loyalty of her wardrobe adviser - he or she could well be a turn coat.

Strictly Come Dancing saw Reverend Richard leave the show last Saturday. Simon (must've broken poor Shirley's heart) and the Rev were in the dance off.

The judges unanimously decided RR should leave and I am not surprised. Turns out, he was less Flash Gordon, more Flash in the pan.  On the bright side, his parishioners must be happy to have him back.

Until next week, try and keep it light.