A lighter take on this week's news

It may surprise you to know that despite all his success as a tennis champion, Boris Becker is in debt. In a bid to clear said debt, he has decided to sell off some of his trophies.

Unfortunately, there is a minor, inconvenient detail - BB can't remember where he's kept them. Perhaps he should check the broom closet. He has found delightful surprises in there before.

Emmanuel Macron he is not, but Donald Trump gave charm and flattery a good try recently while on the phone to Theresa May. Apparently, he told her,'You could be this generation's Churchill.'

I am not sure what brought on that comparison. Perhaps he'd just seen a screening of 'Darkest Hour'. I hope Tay May was sitting when she took the call.

Someone should be on stand-by to remind her of the dangers of smoking, lest she  takes to cigars.

Talking of flattering things people say, Sarah Ferguson paid this rather strange tribute to herself, just before her daughter Eugenie announced her impending marriage this year.

"The river flows well to its destiny because of the guidance of a solid rock." If you do say so yourself, Solid Rock.

I came across a rather curious picture on Instagram of  Ed Balls, sandwiched  between two blondes, labelled as Trumpettes. Curious to find out what or who a Trumpette was - I was having a slow day and missed the obvious inference - I clicked on the link.

I discovered that they are female Trump campaigners. You will be relieved to know that Mr Balls has not converted to being a Trumpet (I am assuming that's what male campaigners are called) but was there to do a  documentary for the BBC.

Considering he is an ex-politician, one might be forgiven if one assumed that he was at Donald Trump's Florida resort rubbing shoulders (among other things) with Trumpettes, to document Trump's first year in office. One would be wrong.

The 'documentary' is 'Ed Balls - My Deep South Road Trip'. Judging by the picture, one can imagine  how 'deep' this documentary will be. More like 'Balls having a Ball at Tax Payers' expense.'

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter look at the news

You may not have heard of Jo Marney before - blissfully, neither had I. You may now wish that you had never heard of her - regrettably, so do I. 

If you are one of the lucky few who hasn't heard of her and are asking yourself, in the parlance of the young, 'who that?' Let me enlighten you.

'That' is the  25 year old (now) ex-girlfriend of the 54 year old leader of the UKIP party, Henry Bolton. Why is she relevant? She isn't. However, she did say some rather nasty things about Meghan Markle and black people in general.

She tried to defend herself and her vitriolic comments by saying that they were taken 'out of context'. Someone needs to tell her that there is no wiggle room when you write racist texts. 

The intent and meaning is very clear, or, in language she understands, very black and white.

I am surprised her superior brain did not work that out before she came up with the lame and ridiculous 'out of context' excuse. Personally, I think she is, to use the parlance of the young  yet again, 'well jel'.

After all, Sparkle Markle got herself a younger, handsome prince and Barmy Marney got herself an older leader of a party that is no longer relevant. And now she doesn't even have that. 

As they say, 'if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all'. Simple yet wise. Thank you to whoever 'they' are. I am also extremely vexed that, despite my best efforts, I now know the name of the leader of the UKIP party.

Moving on to more pleasant happenings, the modern day saviour of the European world, visited Britain. Emmanuel Macron paid us a visit and immediately performed a miracle.

He got Theresa May to look relaxed and smile, showing shades of her strong and stable days. But then he does have a way with older women. 

You may be aware that Gwyneth Paltrow is soon to be permanently coupled with Brad Falchuk. In anticipation of their coupling, she sported an engagement ring at the Producer's Guild Awards.

Now, I expected to see entwined jute encircling her finger, imitations of which would be sold on Goop for £500/-. I was  disappointment to see her sporting a huge coloured rock. 

Nevertheless, we still wish Palfal lots of luck, not that they need it. According to Gwynnie, at this juncture in their lives they will 'use their collective successes and failures as building blocks to a happy and healthy relationship'. 

Now I know how she came up with the name 'Goop' for her online magazine - she speaks a lot of it.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter take on the news

Apparently, Donald Trump forgot the words to the American national anthem. Midway through singing the Star Spangled Banner, he appeared to stop and mumble along. In other words, he did a Mariah Carey.

Some people expressed concern that he may be in the early stages of dementia. I express concern that he is in the latter stages of 'never knew the words in the first place.'

Never mind, I don't think you need to know the words to the national anthem to make a country great again.

In the meanwhile, Oprah Winfrey gave a rousing and inspirational speech at the Golden Globes this week. Now, pre-Donald Trump, this speech would've gotten the praise it deserves. A few die hard Oprah fans may have called for her to run for President and they would've been shouted down by everyone else, possibly, even Ms. Winfrey.

Post-Trump, she appears to be doing a lightening bolt towards the White House, with Vice-President Deepak Chopra and Chief of Staff, Gayle King following close behind at her heels.  A black woman taking over from him? Someone hand Trump a covffe before he faints from the shock!

Perhaps Seal felt the  need for some attention because he decided to jump in, mouth first. He called Oprah 'sanctimonious' and said that she was part of the problem. Mmmm a man deciding to accuse a woman of a problem caused by (some) men. Should've kept your lips sealed, Seal.

Theresa May optimistically decided to have a reshuffle of her cabinet. Not the wooden one in her living room, although she probably would've had better luck there. 

She made the decision to move Justine Greening from Education to Work and Pensions and Justine Greening made the decision to quit. So no reshuffling there. She also decided Jeremy Hunt wasn't good for Health (who can blame her) and wanted to make him Business secretary. 

The Hunt thought for all of  ten seconds before deciding he was very happy where he was, so thank you but no thank you. He wasn't going to be reshuffled. 

Funny how the woman who did not want to be reshuffled, had to quit but the man who did not want to be reshuffled, got to stay. Someone needs to get Ms Winfrey across post haste, to give one of her inspiring speeches, with a front row seat reserved for Tay May.

According to Liam Gallagher, his brother Noel is desperate for an Oasis reunion but Noel's wife will not allow it. Possibly because she knows that there are only so many times Phoenix can rise from the ashes.

Liam thinks that Noel is keen to play in big stadiums (or stadia, if you prefer) but that is only possible when he, Liam,  is around, as only his presence fills out these stadiums. Actually, it is Liam who doesn't have a choice -  he has to play in huge stadiums - no other venue can accommodate  his ego.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter look at the news

It's a brand new year but  some of the stuff that's been happening since we rang in the new year, is the same old nonsense. Take for example the resignation of a chef by the name of Laura Goodman.

Ms. Goodman hurt the sentiments of vegans all over the planet, after she claimed to have 'spiked' a vegan's pizza with mozzarella. 

She made this exaggerated claim in a Facebook group called 'The Boring Group.'

Now I can think of two reasons why she did this. Firstly, she did not quite know the meaning of the word 'spike'. Secondly, she was trying to inject some fun into 'The Boring Group'.

The air was filled with methane as vegans snorted in disgust. Tree hugging, peace loving, animal caring, animal products caring, animal by-products caring vegans united together, not just to denounce her actions but some were so incensed, they issued death threats.

I am not sure if there is any research to back this, but I wonder if not eating meat, fish, dairy etc. makes one's skin a bit thin. Either that or they did not bother to find out what actually took place. 

Apparently, although Ms. Goodman had thoughtfully planned a vegan menu for the group of diners, this vegan diner chose pizza with mozzarella on it.  It was ordered by the person who ate it, who for all you know, may have been having a weak non-vegan moment (not unlike vegetarians and their 'bacon sarnie' moment). 

I remember on a night out, a lady (loosely speaking) who called herself vegetarian, ordering a tuna salad. Now, when it comes to food, I don't really have a filter, so I asked her about it (very politely, I might add). 

She calmly told me that she is a vegetarian who eats fish! When I suggested (no filter, remember?) that she should call herself Pescetarian (taking care once again to be polite), she said that she did not want to sound pretentious. I gave up.  

Anyway, I don't think Ms. Goodman will make the mistake of exaggerating in the near future. On a different note, I wonder if she is related to Len Goodman. I bet he'll be pickling his walnuts with irritation, if she is. Not that the vegans will mind - nuts are fine apparently.

Isn't it nice when experience teaches us a lesson? Even pop divas apparently can learn a lesson or two. After last year's New Year's Eve debacle in New York, Mariah Carey decided to do things differently this year.

She decided to actually show up in her own physical glory for the sound check before the show. Unlike last year, no stand-in was dispatched to do the honours. The result? A lovely, delightful performance.

Lest we think any less of her, a diva moment was to be had, by way of her stopping the show to demand hot tea. No hot tea was forthcoming, so she carried on nonetheless, like the 'Hero' she is. Well done Mimi - bodes well for 2018.

Donald Trump's ex Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon, has written a book. In it, he has made accusations against Donald Jnr., as well as Trump's son-in-law and the Russians. A little bit of a yawn in my opinion.

But guess who has not been introduced to the concept of 'there's no such thing as bad publicity'. Wading right in and offering free publicity by the bucket load,  Mr. Trump, among other things, has said (and I paraphrase) 'now that he is on his own, Steve Bannon realises that success is not as easy as I make it out to be'.

Hmmmm.... can't argue with him there, particularly as he is making such a huge contribution to the success of the book.

When you are flying, can you think of anything worse than the Pilot being distracted over residual bits of a spousal dispute?Unfortunately, over 200 passengers and crew on a Jet Airways flight from Heathrow to Mumbai, can vouch for something far worse. A domestic dispute in the cockpit!

Two pilots who were a 'couple' had a domestic, in which he allegedly slapped her. She dashed out of the cockpit, sobbing and the crew did their best to persuade her to go back but she wouldn't.

In the meanwhile, the co-pilot - otherwise known as the 'slapper'- tried to coax her back, to no avail. So he decided to leave the cockpit to personally use his obvious  'charm' to get her to go back into the cockpit. 

Eventually, they both returned and the plane landed safely in Mumbai. Bollywood meets Telenovela!

Until next time, try and keep it light!