A lighter look at the news

 

 

 We are told as we get older that we should start learning new skills to maintain our intellect. This advice must have come to the attention of President Stable Genius from across the pond. 

He probably decided to look into the matter in an attempt to not just maintain, but to sharpen, his two brain cells. It is common knowledge that two of the best ways to do this is either to learn a new language or a musical instrument.  He appears to have settled on the latter and is said to be honing his skills on the Harp.

He and the Harp appear to be making sweet music but I do not think that the First Lady is enjoying the tune that is coming out of the Harp. 

I see a future Netflix documentary in the making or maybe even a dramatisation, not unlike The Crown.

Talking of The Crown, apparently, Harry and Meghan are returning to the UK. Also, apparently, according to a YouGov poll, 87% of the British Public do not care one way or another. Unfortunately, the remaining 13% are clambering over every rooftop that is available, with a megaphone and screaming their outrage.

They screamed their outrage whilst Harry and Meghan lived in the UK, they screamed their outrage when they left, they screamed their outrage whilst they were in the US and they are screaming their outrage now that they are set to return. 

One can only deduce that anything and everything about this couple makes them apoplectic with rage. Begs the question, why?

A British man leaves his country with this wife and child to live in her country for six years and then decides to return to his country with said wife and their two children. 

What part of that makes the media and trolls so incensed that they lose all perspective? I wouldn't even hazard a guess, lest I get dragged into the quagmire of vitriolic hate that exudes so effortlessly from them. 

However, I confess to being mildly curious about their decision to return. There seems to be no line that the media won't cross when it comes to speculating, fabricating and judging their every move. 

When that jowly broadcaster confessed in an article that he hated Meghan on a cellular level and dreamed of the day when she was made to parade naked around every town in Britain, whilst crowds shouted 'Shame,' I fully expected that the tables would be turned on him and most of the nation would shout 'Shame' at him. Sadly, that didn't happen. 25,000 people did complain and if memory serves, he ended up with an insignificant slap on the wrist.

But fear not. He is said to have been horrified at the hurt it caused and that he would be careful in future. Maybe the 25,000 people who complained, helped him come to that decision. 

Or maybe we will have a better chance of seeing a pig fly, than any of these hacks feel any remorse over some of the ways in which their relentless pursuits of some people end up in tragedy. 

Back to keeping things light. When you were young, did you ever want to be a sports star? And if you did, was being a Finger Wrestling Champion on top of your wish list? I don't blame you if it wasn't or if you actually haven't heard of the sport. So, let me enlighten you on my newly acquired knowledge of Finger Wrestling.

The two contestants taking part sit opposite each other, with a table in between. It involves both of them using their middle fingers (of course) around which a leather band is wrapped. They then have to try and knock each other over the side. Such fun!

It is said to be excruciating but it is not specified whether that is for the participants or the spectators. On the plus side, it took place in Bavaria, so there probably was enough beer to make sure that no one was feeling any pain, be they spectators or contestants.

Until next time, try and keep it light. 

 

 

 

  

A lighter look at the news

 

The Clacton by-election has taken place and, alas, the optimists among us are a tad disappointed. Our guy, Count Binface did not win. Instead, predictably, Count Spinface won. Or did he? Mr Bombastic thought he had come up with a masterstroke of a plan when he resigned, thereby triggering a by-election.

In his deluded mind, he thought that if he triggered a by-election and won, the investigation into the 5 million pounds that he had received but had not declared, would be halted. 

What our Poundland Trump did not envisage, was that the main political parties would politely decline to get roped into his idiotic plan. They did not put up any candidates for him to compete against. Kudos to them. 

As a result of their non-participation (Gandhi would be so proud), he had to compete with the aforementioned Binface and 30 odd (emphasis on odd) candidates. In other words, a big circus tent of his own creation.

So, the by-election took place, and the stage was set to declare the winner. Well, cometh the hour, but the man did not cometh. The Bin cometh. The 30 odd candidates cometh but the main man did not cometh. One could speculate as to why the man did not cometh.

Did the man not cometh because he was worried that he may be defeated by the Bin? Did he not cometh because he was worried that, even if or when he won, he would have to shake hands with his main competitor, the Bin? Did he not cometh because there would be no defeated Labour candidate to gloat over? No Conservative or Liberal Democrat to smirk at?

One can only deduce that the man of the people did not cometh because he was too chicken.  Count Binface ended up with1/3rd of the votes, so the chicken politician, despite his victory, ended up with egg on his face (Et tu Brutus?)

In my opinion, Count Binface is due for a title promotion. I hear that his Majesty has withdrawn the title of  'Duke' from his bro, so he could bestow it to our Binface. A much more worthy recipient, in my opinion.

It is heartening to note, that despite the people of Cluckton (oops) voting for their man, the Parliamentary investigation as to why the MP did not register the 5 million donated to him by his billionaire pal, carries on. 

So, for the next Reform Conference, when their leader, Chicken Little, walks on stage to declare that the sky is falling (Brussels! Foreigners! Immigration! Migrant Boats!The Establishment!) he should do so to the tune of The Birdie Song. Andrea Jenkyns can once again don on her sequinned frock and do some back up dancing.

Talking about chickens, an incident has recently come to light involving President Poulet from across the pond. Apparently, when he was due to fly to London from Turkey after the NATO summit, there was a possible Iranian threat to the Air Force One plane. So, he was asked to play switcheroo with planes.

He dug deep into the acting skills he acquired during his 7 second appearance in Home Alone 2 and nonchalantly ascended the plane stairs. He then, equally nonchalantly, descended the stairs on the other side and got loaded into a food cart and wheeled out of there.

Many people are saying that they heard shouts of Flight! Flight! Flight! Alas, there are no witnesses as to whether his fist was raised. However, considering the mode of transportation, I imagine that there was a streak of tomato ketchup slashed across his cheek.  

The original flight took off, minus the handful of disembarked passengers. The other passengers that were on that flight, were none the wiser of the threat. But, fear not. according to President Poulet, he actually flew on the plane that was at greater risk of an attack. 

If you believe that, I have a red hat to sell to you. But I guess you probably already have at least half a dozen of those (among your collection of gold trainers, watches, coins, a bible, NFTs...)

Until next time, try and keep it light.