A lighter look at the news

The Orange One across the pond is at it again. Not that he ever stopped but this time he and his thumbs have taken on a grieving pregnant widow of a Sergeant who was killed in Niger.

The widow claimed that during a condolence telephone conversation, DT couldn’t remember her husband’s name - ironically the husband’s name  is ‘La Donald’, so how difficult could it be for The Donald to remember the name La Donald, is beyond me (and most people I guess).

Displaying classic ‘Empathy Bypass Syndrome’, the President took to twitter to refute her claim. I will repeat my suggestion of a few weeks’ back -  take the phone away and put the thumbs into therapy. Don’t worry about the brain, it doesn’t appear to engage with the thumbs while tweeting.

There’s a woman called Sophie Tanner who was so desperate to be guaranteed perpetual marital bliss, she married who she thought was her perfect partner - herself!

Now, if you are single and tempted - I know you don’t have too far to look and you have the added advantage of already knowing your ‘partner’ -  please don’t rush off to book the priest and the venue.

What Ms Tanner didn’t take into account is that we don’t always keep promises to ourselves. So, she cheated on herself and had an affair with some chap.

But now the affair is over and she has forgiven herself (so much easier when you are married to yourself) and hopes to live happily ever after. She and her ‘spouse’ have come to an agreement that this is their last chance. So, another affair and she will divorce herself.

That is why I urged you not to book the priest and venue. It is far more complicated than it sounds. I suggest that youh go back to Tinder (or whatever other matchmaking website you prefer).

Now you may not know this but Meghan Markle has a half sister. Up until recently, I doubt if Meghan remembered that she had a big sister, as apparently, they have been estranged for ten years.

As always, where there is fame, there are relatives who turn up to give their tuppence worth. Actually, they probably get more than tuppence, which is why they appear in the first place.

Anyway, Samantha Markle has spoken ‘affectionately’ of her little sister Meghan and thinks that, should Meghan and Harry marry, (love the rhyme), they will be amazing together. But, just in case it doesn’t work out between Meghan and Harry, big sister has decided to cash in right now and write a book.

The book is about the sisters’ life together - ‘a beautiful, warm, witty story.’ The title of said book - The Diary of Princess Pushy’s Sister.’ I couldn’t think of a more beautiful, warm and witty title, could you?

Strictly Come Dancing was fab on Saturday despite the absence of judge Bruno and his accompanying verbal and physical histrionics.

I know that Head Judge Shirley Ballas has an impeccable pedigree where dance is concerned. What I did not know was how ruthless she can be in psychological warfare.

Simon and Brian were in the dance off and of course we all know how much Shirley lurrrves Simon. So, when she was asked if she had any tips for Brian to improve in the dance off, she looked him straight in the eye and said ‘do not make any mistakes.’

Considering he hadn’t made any noticeable mistakes in the first place, I am not sure that it was suitable ‘advice’ but that did not stop Shirley from repeating her ‘do not make any mistakes’ advice a couple more times.

What did Brian proceed to do in the dance off? Make mistakes of course! Actually, so did Simon but we all know how much Shirley lurrrves Simon. You don’t need more than one guess to know who went through.

I have a bone to pick with Strictly. You know when there is an eclipse, we are told not to look directly at the sun? Well, why were we not given similar advice before Ruth and Anton’s routine? Those shimmering, sequinned trousers every time Anton moved cried out for eye protection!

Also, a storm warning would have been thoughtful. I could feel a gust in my living room and had to hang on to the arms of my chair every time he moved his arms.

At least I am assuming there were arms under those heavily frilled sleeves! I haven’t laughed so much since Mr Balls and his hip thrusting ‘Love Potion No. 9’ routine last year!

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter take on the news

Sorry to repeat myself but we all know that the Brexit talks appear to be going nowhere at breakneck speed on a treadmill. The EU are playing hardball and Britain is threatening to break away without a deal.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and I have a suggestion that might just work. At this point in time, the PM doesn’t have much to lose anyway.

So, at the next Brexit talks, she could borrow Susan Calman’s Wonder Woman outfit from Strictly (anything will be an improvement from her patchwork blazer) and perhaps swap Wonder Woman’s cape for the Union Jack.

She can then get onto the podium, rock up to the microphone and belt out Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I will survive’. It might even send a message to her own cabinet ministers.

I have just heard on the news that Theresa May has left the Brexit talks today ‘not empty handed’. Which means a tiny crumb has been pressed into the palm of her hand but it’s still all about the money.

I assure you I am not living under a rock but for some reason, the fact that the media call Taylor Swift ‘Tay Tay’ completely passed me by until this week.

Well, I have yet another suggestion for our PM. Her people could try to get the media to start calling her Tay May. This affectionate nickname might endear her to some people (and she might actually fly when she dons on ‘Wonder Woman’s outfit).

Also, she could extend an invitation to Taylor Swift to visit 10 Downing Street. Tay May could have Tay Tay over for afternoon tea.

Some of Jeremy Corbyn’s young followers might change allegiance. You never know, stranger things have happened. We all know that Tay Tay has sway sway (couldn’t help myself) over quite a few young fans.

A Tory MP, Tim Loughton has said that he takes an hour long bath in the morning. Why on earth would someone luxuriate in a bath for an hour in the morning?

I personally would go straight back to bed if I had an hour long bath in the morning. I think (and this is only a suspicion) that Mr. Loughton is deflecting to justify the hour he spends in the bathroom.

If you look at his pic (below) those eyebrows don’t groom themselves. The effort and skill to balance the sparse with the lush, to end up with such a dramatic and uplifting effect cannot be achieved in the blink of an eye.

Last Saturday saw the departure of Charlotte from SCD. I personally think she should have been given an automatic pass into the next round after Shirley called her ‘Mollie’ and there was no immediate correction. For all we know, some of Mollie’s votes may have been intended for Charlotte.

Charlotte did improve, albeit through little baby steps. Nevertheless, I thought that was what the show was about - to see improvement. Shame no one appeared to have told the judges that, when they were scoring her.

It probably took Charlotte as much effort to do her routine as it did seasoned performer Alexandra to do her fabulous jive. I did love it though. I cannot wait for her Samba tomorrow.

Somehow Simon and Brian managed to get through to the next round and Davood ended up in the ‘Dance off’ with Charlotte. Simon’s shirt was so loud, you could hear it a mile away before they (he and his shirt) arrived.

Not sure about the dress Head Judge,Shirley Ballas, wore on Saturday’s show. It looked less Strictly, more ‘Amadeus’. She also looked terrified that she was going to trip over.  Bruno wafting next to her was probably more a hindrance that any sort of reassurance.

Unsurprisingly, Davood got voted through to next week.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter take on the news

Apparently, the EU talks have reached a stalemate. I can't see anyone raising even a fraction of a millimetre of their eyebrows in surprise at this 'news'. It's not all doom and gloom though. 

I have a suggestion for any budding entrepreneurs who may be reading this blog. Bring out a new board game in time for Christmas. Call it 'Post Brexit! - The Ball is in your Court.'

The game could involve giving non-answers to important, relevant questions, followed by the chucking of a marble sized ball into the opponent's 'court' with a simultaneous shout of 'the ball is in your court!'

To make it even more interesting (or scary), the game could include masks of Theresa May, David Davis, Merkel, Juncker and whoever else takes part in these talks. (Said masks could be brought out for Halloween the following year).

I don't like poking fun at someone when they are down, so I will resist the urge to comment on the multi coloured patch work blazer Mrs May sported recently. All I will say is that someone who has Mrs M's interest at heart, should check on the loyalty of her wardrobe adviser - he or she could well be a turn coat.

Strictly Come Dancing saw Reverend Richard leave the show last Saturday. Simon (must've broken poor Shirley's heart) and the Rev were in the dance off.

The judges unanimously decided RR should leave and I am not surprised. Turns out, he was less Flash Gordon, more Flash in the pan.  On the bright side, his parishioners must be happy to have him back.

Until next week, try and keep it light.


                           

A lighter take on the news

I have said it before and I'll say it again, I think Theresa May may have a gambling problem. We all know about the mother of all gambles she took when she needlessly called for a general election but she continues with her risk taking decisions. Recently, she decided (and I am paraphrasing here) to give an 'I have a dream' speech at the Tory Party Conference in Manchester.

Now, I don't know who advises her but I think the only way that speech would work is if Abba were convinced to have a 3 minute reunion on stage while Mrs. May gave that speech. It might even have helped with the Brexit talks.

Her dream had something to do with resolving the housing crisis. Perhaps instead of dreaming, Mrs May should deal with reality. If she hadn't wasted money on yet another election, the said money could have been used to build a few houses. It would not resolve the crisis but it would certainly help. This is the one and only time I am going to quote that meerkat that appears on our television - 'simples.'

The poor PM wasn't having a great time. A virus (bribed by Boris Johnson I suspect) paid her a visit and tickled her throat and attacked her vocal cords, just as she was giving a speech at the above mentioned conference. As if on cue, the letter 'f' flung itself off the wall behind her. I suppose she should count herself lucky that the letter 'o' which was next to it, didn't follow.

At least she got a birthday present from Philip Hammond - a lozenge.

Strictly Come Dancing saw Chizzy voted off last week while the shimmering beetroot that was Brian Connelly managed to get through by the skin of his grinning teeth. I suspect he realised that his cheesy smiles and wisecracks will not be enough to make people vote for him because this week he actually tried, and improved, his dancing.

The Reverend wasn't great last week but managed to get through - divine mercy I guess. This week, resplendent as Flash Gordon with a wig that looked as if it was the product of an affair between the hair of Donald Trump and the hair of Boris Johnson, he continued to mistake Strictly Come Dancing for Strictly Come Prancing. Will we see divine mercy being bestowed upon him again? 

I am not sure that Head Judge Shirley Ballas is as unbiased as I initially thought. She appears to have a soft spot for Simon and seems to throw in an extra point or two his way, while poor Charlotte, who actually improved this week, ended up being collateral damage while her dance partner Brendan and Ms Ballas, indulged in verbal fisticuffs. 

I didn't think I'd say this but bring back grumpy Len. At least he entertained us with threats of pickling his walnuts and claims that things got on his wick. He astutely said that he was a cup of tea in a world of skinny lattes. Sadly,  at the moment we have four skinny lattes on the judging panel and it is not half as entertaining or fair.

Until next week, try and keep it light!