A lighter take on the news

Poor Amir Khan! He must realise that he missed his true calling. I know he is a great boxer and has won many accolades, trophies and medals as one, but I reckon he could literally give Usain Bolt a run for his money.

During his challenge in 'I’m a Celeb.', he put in his hand (through a hole in the wall) and pulled out a snake! Now, if a ‘hand’ was called a ‘rake’ or indeed a ‘snake’ was called a ‘snand’, we would have a marvellous modern day nursery rhyme.

Alas (doing my best for the word), a hand is a hand and a snake is a snake. So, no nursery rhyme glory for me. Little Jack Horner must be giddy with relief.

Anyway, going back to Britain’s boxer turned sprinter, Amir was, impressively, able to multi task, shouting, ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of here’, at the same time as sprinting the hell out of there.

When the celebrity and his poor minion (Toff who was bitten to within an inch of her life) were out, the men, Ant, ‘a very small man’ Dec and Lightening Khan, proceeded to chat, while poor Toff jumped around as if she had ants in her pants. Well, come to think of it,  she probably did.

Someone on Gogglebox called him a ‘big girls’ blouse’. Whatever happened to the word ‘sissy’? At least the word ‘sissy’ doesn’t end up offending big girls and blouses. How dare anyone suggest that blouses (irrespective of the size of the wearer) are inferior to shirts.

The Patriarch of the Johnson family appears to be having a marvellous vacation in the jungle. Unsurprisingly, he appears to be exempt from most challenges, so a stress free time is being had by Stan the Man.

If you listen to Boris and you listen to Pater Johnson, you might think that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. But I refuse to call Boris an apple - I actually like apples. So, ‘A chip of the old block’ will have to do. Or, considering who we are talking about, a big chunk of the old block is probably more appropriate.

Apparently, Robert Mugabe wishes to be forgiven. I am surprised that he actually hasn’t demanded that he be forgiven.

I know he is 93 years old but surely he hasn’t forgotten the two words that usually precede a request for forgiveness - ‘mea culpa’. I suspect every wingless creature will take flight before that happens.

I am still recovering from watching Debbie McGee’s Argentine Tango. If only Shirley Ballas had not impulsively and prematurely handed over her invisible ‘Latin Queen’ crown to Debbie for her Charleston, last night would have been the perfect time to do so.

However, she did enthuse about Debbie’s balance. Apparently, the balance of Ballas is not as good as the balance of McGee. That was the balanced view of Ballas.

Now, I don’t want to offend Susan’s army of fans (since I do not have an army of readers, I think I am safe) but she, or should I say her fans, are getting on my last nerve.

‘She is what the show is about’ they rave. ‘She is improving every week’, they gush. ‘She is so entertaining’, they proclaim.

Well, if Susan is what the show is about and everyone danced like her, trust me, I would probably stop watching it. In fact, I would not have started watching it in the first place.

As for her ‘improving’ every week, sorry, guys but Specsavers beckons, just to make sure you don’t need to change the prescription on your rose tinted glasses.

To give Susan her due, she does learn her routine thoroughly and shows no nerves as she proceeds to march through her steps with army like precision.

The one thing I do agree with, is that she is entertaining. Not so much on the dance floor as in the ‘Clauditorium’.  When she is in the ‘Clauditorium’, I play a game that is the opposite to ‘Where's Wally’.

‘Where's Susan’ requires no effort. All you need to do is predict where she will appear every time someone appears to block her, because appear she does - just where is the challenge!

I have found it hugely entertaining and on the remote chance she gets voted out this week, I shall miss playing ‘Finding Susan’. Alas, it’s too late to have it in the shops by Christmas. My retirement will just have to wait.

Until next year, try and keep it light!

No, I did not make a mistake,  I am taking a break from the ‘Lighter news’. At least, that is the plan, although I may  just do a Susan and pop up from time to time!

If I don’t, have a decadent December (let’s be honest, we all do) and I will try my best to sharpen my feathered pen for 2018.

A lighter take on the news

Apparently, Donald Trump was quite the statesman when he toured Asia recently. That is, until his dear friend Kimmy decided to call him an 'old lunatic'. 

Hell hath no fury than the Donald scorned. How dare Kimmy call him old! In Mr. T's world, what can be chronologically proven, is apparently considered fake news but what is debatable, like being called a lunatic (although, in this case, not a lot of debate would be required I would imagine), is okay.

Anyway, the Presidential thumbs got busy and a counter insult was issued by way of a tweet. Mr T. said that he would never call Kimmy 'short and fat', thereby, calling him short and fat! Calling each other lunatics and fat .... I would imagine if the term 'takes one to know one' wasn't coined yet, it certainly would now. 

Theresa May seems to have found the key to successful Brexit talks. Her smile! Yes, it appears to be something as simple as a Tay May smile. Michel Barnier looked positively mesmerised as he sat opposite to her. 

The more she smiled - she even threw in an occasional beam - the more he appeared to acquiesce. Just as well they were sitting down, otherwise he 'may' have gone week in the knees.

At least, that is my take on it. I watched it for a bit on TV but didn't listen to any of it. No, May's hypnotic smile didn't cast a spell on me. The weather outside was depressing enough and seeing the PM smile after such a long time, gave me hope. False hope, most likely, but hope nonetheless.

Boris Johnson has at last apologised to Nazanin's family for his blunder. One would now hope that he keeps a low profile. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that there aren't other Johnsons lurking about.

Papa Johnson is all set to appear in 'I am a celebrity, get me out of here.' How about, 'I am not a celebrity, don't get me in here'.

Remember Michael Gove? Former Education Minister, then Brexiteer, who tried to back stab Bobo Johnson to become Prime Minister? Fittingly, neither got to be PM.

Looking at him, one would think even an archaeologist would be hard pressed to find a single humourous bone in his body and one would think right.

In an interview with Radio 4, he likened being interviewed by John Humphrys, to walking into Harvey Weinstein's bedroom. Stick to back stabbing your colleagues Mr Gove - it's far less insulting and when BJ is at the receiving end, it may even be a tiny bit funny.

Last Saturday's Strictly Come Dancing was very enjoyable. Perhaps it's because none of the judges worshipped at the altar of Debbie McGee. They did still fawn but I can't imagine them ever not fawning over Ms McGee.

I suspect she could turn up in a sack and roly-poly around the dance floor and Shirley would say, 'I have travelled the world and seen top professional dancers  but I have never seen such graceful roly- polying with such amazing musicality and timing', before brandishing a 10!

Anton du Beke and Ruth were voted out. Quite rightly, I should think, although Anton did miss a trick. I have a feeling it was his wardrobe that kept them in all this time.

So, when they did their foxtrot, Ruth did do her bit by trotting for England but Anton did not do anything gimmicky with his wardrobe (this time). A foxes' outfit might have done the trick.  Sadly (I am being kind) Ruth, Anton and his wardrobe are out of Strictly.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter look at the weekly news

During Theresa May and Angela Merkel's recent verbal cha cha cha-ing (apologies for the mental picture this might paint but if you want to go further and add short, sequinned skirts, I won't judge), otherwise known as Brexit talks, I bet Mrs May thought that things could not possibly get any worse for her. Well, as it happens, things got even more messy for Tessy.

Her Deputy resigned on allegations of sexual misconduct and there are a few more who may follow him. Add to that the blundering boob that is Boris and you might wonder how long she and her party can cling on to power.

After all, the DUP part of the CONDUP party make up just 10 MPs. What will happen if more than 10 MPs are forced to leave the Conservative party?

Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. So, perhaps a coalition of the Conservatives, Lib Dems (been there, done that and Nick Clegg is wearing the tee shirt) and the SNP?

Now, I confess to not knowing much about the DUP. I know that they are led by a handsome woman (google her name if you care) but by and large she has been fairly quiet.

Can you imagine if the Conservatives form a coalition with the Lib Dems and the SNP? Braveheart Sturgeon will give new meaning to the word 'vociferous'.

Man of the people, Jeremy Corbyn - our modern day JC, decided to appear on a TV show of the people, albeit for charity. He appeared on Gogglebox and got very excited when a 'History' question was asked during University Challenge.

He moved to the very edge of the sofa, rolled up his sleeves, listened intently to the question.... and came up with the wrong answer. Oh my! He doesn't walk on water after all. The Corbynistas must be devasted.

I am beginning to suspect that Paul Daniels appears to be practising magic from beyond the grave. That is the only explanation I have for the strange behaviour of the Strictly judges.

Last week, Head Judge, Shirley Ballas, bestowed her invisible Latin Queen Crown on Debbie McGee and last Saturday, Craig behaved in a manner I would only reserve for God, if he appeared to me.

After Debbie and Giovanni finished their tango, when it was Craig’s turn to comment, he stood up and, and in a trance-like manner, walked to Debbie and sank to his knees, rocking back and forth with his arms outstretched. Poor Giovanni went in for a hug before realising that it was Debbie who was being lauded.

What can we expect this evening? Darcy to hand over her Prima Ballerina title to Debbie or for Bruno to genuflect and cross himself in front of her?

Someone needs to remind the judges that there is a reason why they are given paddles with numbers on them. Use them to show your appreciation. That is all  we ask - not your cringeworthy, OTT, physical demonstrations.

I thought that Anton's flamingo pink wardrobe for this Samba with Ruth was about as funny as it was going to get. I was wrong. His flared trousers for his Paso Doble were something to behold. He could probably harbour a herd of bulls in them.

He then proceeded to stumble and fall at the end of their routine, taking Ruth with him. Not that she appeared to mind. She gleefully jumped on him and proceeded to straddle him. Tut, tut BBC (and Ruth), it's a family show.

That's the problem with live shows. No editing. I would give good money to have that particular scene edited out. On second thoughts, maybe not. After all, I pay my licence fee.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

I

A lighter take on the news

Ewan McGregor has split from  his wife of 15 years. Apparently, he is now seeing his Fargo co-star, Mary Elizabeth Winstead. His wife is furious not just because she invited Ms. Winstead to their home but she is even more furious because she has discovered that Ms Winstead had a huge crush on Ewan when she was in her teens.

Well, I had a huge crush on Harrison Ford when I was in my teens. Bet Calista Flockhart is quaking in her shoes.

Bless Prue Leith. Apparently no one introduced her to the concept of time zones. So,when she was in Asia this week, she rushed to tweet her congratulations to the winner of the Great British Bake Off, before the final was aired in Britain.

If I were you, I wouldn’t worry for too long Prue. The Godfather of gaffes across the pond will tweet something that causes outrage or offence (most likely, both) and you will be off the hook.

I am not sure if it is an annual thing, but the White House had a Halloween party this year. I saw a picture of Melania looking up in mock horror at an orange dinosaur.

No, she wasn’t looking at her husband - don’t be silly, I used the word ‘mock’ remember?

It was Halloween week on Strictly last Saturday and all the contestants and Judges looked great except for Bruno, who looked like a zebra with an insomnia problem.

Alas for Ballas, her fave Simon was voted out of the competition. He later posted an x-ray of his injured thigh. I was sorely disappointed that he did not post an x-ray of his achilles heel of seven years ago alongside it.

Despite being dressed as Cruella, Shirley Ballas was all heart. She generously lifted her invisible Latin Queen ‘crown’ and gave it to Debbie McGee. I really like watching grown ups play make believe….not a lot.

Until next week, try and keep it light!