A lighter take on this week's news

A Tory MP by the name of Andrew Bridgen has asked the head of the National Crime Agency to start an Inquiry to investigate how 'Teflon' Keith Vaz, Labour MP, has amassed the considerable wealth that he has.

Alledgedly, Mr Vaz has eight houses in the UK worth a few million pounds and some property in India as well. A little baffling, considering he earns around £74,000/- a year as an MP.

Intriguing, I agree but just as intriguing is how he could afford his other 'expense' - his rent boys. Perhaps that expenditure was funded by 'Jim' from the bonuses he received from selling all those washing machines.

Amidst women coming together and supporting each other in a bid to affect change in the behaviour of powerful men towards them, there are some women who, through good fortune, may not have had such encounters and who now feel obliged to pass on  'safety tips' to their sisters.

Recently Joanna Lumley came up with this gem (I am paraphrasing), if your gut tells you not to go to his hotel room, then don't.

She should be getting paid for such invaluable advice. She should also be paid double if her advice includes a tip for 'him' - if your gut (or any other part of your anatomy) tells you that you want more than just the drink you are inviting her for, then don't.

At the BAFTA Awards ceremony this evening, majority of the women wore black in support of the #metoo and time'sup campaigns, with one exception - Kate Middleton. She wore a green dress.

Apparently, it is in keeping with Royal Protocol to not align with any public protest. And here I thought Kate and William were a modern couple.

She is a tall lady, so I am not sure how recent happenings have gone over her head but it appears to have done so, as Miranda Hart gave this advise to people on Valentine's Day, 'Go to work and hug all you colleagues'(!). 

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter look at the news

Apparently, Prince Harry has decided to invite his 'difficult' Aunt to his wedding to Meghan Markle. Now, you might wonder who the difficult aunt is.

It is not Princess Ann although her dour expression may lead you to believe so. It could not be the Countess of Wessex - her RBF is too pleasant.

So, that just leaves 'Solid Rock' Sarah Ferguson. I am sure she will behave herself, although someone should make sure she doesn't give an impromptu toast.

It will turn the celebrations into a snooze fest as she rattles on about guiding tributaries gently to their final destinations.

You know how we sometimes shut our eyes and envision something extraordinary happening to us? Then we open our eyes and reality sinks in and we carry on with our regular, unremarkable lives.

Well, a couple in Florida shut their eyes and envisioned themselves sailing on a boat around the world. Unfortunately for them, when they opened their eyes, there was no accompanying reality.

They sold all their worldly belongings, bought themselves a boat, spent a small fortune renovating it and set sail. They neglected to take into account one minor detail - neither of them knew how to sail.

Unsurprisingly, within 24 hours, their boat and their dream, sank. They now have to pay another fortune to salvage the boat.

I have two words to say to anyone who wants to take a sailing trip around the world but does not know how to sail - Cruise Ship. Board one and stay safe.


When a third Sex and the City movie was being considered, Kim Cattrall did us all a favour and declined to do it. This resulted in Sarah Jessica Parker suggesting that she was a diva.

Kim promptly had a diva fit and said that none of the ladies had ever been friends. SJP was immensely hurt by this and so began a feud.

Recently, Kim's brother passed away and she announced his death on social media. SJP sent her condolences and they flew right back at her with words like hypocrite and exploiting thrown in.

These two are no spring chickens and were certainly not born in the age of social media, so it is very surprising that they should have such an open feud on it, particularly, considering the tragic circumstances.

Maybe they are going by the adage 'there's no such thing as bad publicity'. That may be true but there is such a thing as poor taste ladies.

When Kim and Kanye named their first child North, I just assumed the ones that followed were 'direction' names as well. Apparently, according to Kim, North is the best, so she did not want to make her other children feel any less special by calling them East or South.

Hence, the one that followed North was called Saint (because he is a blessing). Fair enough, but why name the third one after a pizza?

Until next week, try and keep it light!

  

A lighter take on the weekly news

If you have been a Spice Girls' fan, you may need to sit down when you read this - the Spice Girls are having a reunion! (If you are not a spice girls' fan, I congratulate you on your good taste).

Anyway, they are apparently being paid 10 million each for the said reunion.

While the other 'girls' are probably gargling their vocal chords with  Himalayan salt water and hiring voice coaches, Posh has poutily pondered and come up with a classic proviso to her contract - she will do it as long as she doesn't have to sing.

The promoters were probably weak with relief - I am sure they had no intention of letting her 'sing' in the first place. 

I have always (I confess for all of 5 seconds) wondered why, except for 'Ginger', none of the other girls' names were actual spices.

Now that they are mature, I think they should keep it real and rename themselves appropriately - which is what they should have done in the first place.

'Baby' should be Mustard (seed) spice, Scary should be 'Star Anise' spice (a tiny pinch packs a punch), Sporty should be 'Nutmeg' spice (a little goes a long way) and if Ginger fancies a change, she could be 'Turmeric' spice.

That just leaves good old 'Posh'. With her constant bland expression, I can't come up with an appropriate spice name, so we'll just have to settle for  'Pouty LipSync' spice. 

A made up spice for a made up singer. 

While Oprah Winfrey won many fans with her female empowering speech at the Golden Globes, she failed to win over our very own Ann Robinson. 

Ann has said that she 'loathes' Oprah. A very strong word from one strong woman to another - yay for sisterhood.

To cut a short story even shorter, Ann and her daughter appeared on the Oprah show back when Ann (and her quiz show) were relevant.

There also happened to be another 'Mother and Daughter' combo at the show,  who  did not get along and apparently Oprah worked her magic and they worked their 'problems' out (on the show).

However, according to Ann, after the show, she and her daughter shared a taxi with the said mother and daughter, who came to blows in the shared taxi. 'Where was Oprah then?' asks Ann.

To state the obvious, not in the taxi. But guess who was there? The  Queen of Mean. All she (Ann) had to do was shout 'you are the weakest links' and kick them out of the cab. Instead she cowered in a corner. 

So who really is the weakest link? 

If it makes Ann feel any better, I am sure Oprah, with all her meditation and mindfulness,  doesn't loathe her back. I doubt she even remembers her. Don't take offence Ann, wink, wink!

I have to say that the cockles of my heart are warmed and  I feel so honoured that this is the 'Year of the Woman'. But in the words of that very influential modern day woman, Beyonce, 'Question' - what happens at the end of the year?

Do things go back to the way they were? Because a year cannot possibly right the wrongs that a lot women have endured.

If you really want to level the playing field, how about calling it the 'Millennium of the Woman'. That will be a start.

On her recent visit to China, Theresa May was informed that the Chinese people affectionately called her 'Auntie May'. Apparently she was flattered to be considered a family member.

Sorry Tay May but I have always called my aunts by their first name, as in 'Auntie Dorothy'; not Auntie Smith, or Auntie Fernandes. 

Also, I don't remember David Cameron being called 'Uncle Cameron' when he visited China as PM.  Once again, I rest my case for the 'Millennium of the Woman'.

Until next week, try and keep it light!