A lighter look at the news

No sooner had the two Korean leaders clasped hands (no ordinary clasping of hands but full on entwined fingers) and had given each other coy sideways glances, then some deluded people started whispering the 'N' word and Donald Trump in the same breadth.

Yes, there were suggestions that Trump could possibly be bestowed with the Nobel Peace prize. I am sure he blushed a deeper shade of orange when he heard that.

However, Trump being Trump, he couldn't help himself. He withdrew the USA from the hard fought Iran Nuclear Deal and has, I am assuming, put paid to his chances of getting the Nobel Peace Prize (if he had a chance in the first place).

However, all is not lost. In view of the Golden Shower rumours, he could still get the not-so-Noble Piss Prize.

Back in April, Tom Markle Jnr., Meghan's big brother, was so incensed at not receiving an invite to the Royal Wedding, he dipped his pen in poisoned ink, and fired off a spiteful little open letter to Prince Harry. 

He said some pretty awful things about his sister and proceeded to urge Harry to call off the wedding as it would be 'the biggest mistake in Royal Wedding History'.

That letter achieved a few things but calling off the wedding wasn't one of them. It did achieve an understanding as to why she did not invite her siblings in the first place.

Mission unaccomplished, Tom Markle Jnr. decided to change tack. This time, the pen was dipped into ink overflowing with remorse and sycophancy, not to mention pleading.

Pleeeeease, pleeeeease Meghan, may we come to your wedding? Pleeeeeease, we're the only family you have. (You may have guessed that I am para phrasing).

Well, you may be the only family she has, but a family with no loyalty is worse than no family at all. Besides, she has Harry now.
Good luck to them next Saturday.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter look at the news

Apparently, Prince Harry has decided to invite his 'difficult' Aunt to his wedding to Meghan Markle. Now, you might wonder who the difficult aunt is.

It is not Princess Ann although her dour expression may lead you to believe so. It could not be the Countess of Wessex - her RBF is too pleasant.

So, that just leaves 'Solid Rock' Sarah Ferguson. I am sure she will behave herself, although someone should make sure she doesn't give an impromptu toast.

It will turn the celebrations into a snooze fest as she rattles on about guiding tributaries gently to their final destinations.

You know how we sometimes shut our eyes and envision something extraordinary happening to us? Then we open our eyes and reality sinks in and we carry on with our regular, unremarkable lives.

Well, a couple in Florida shut their eyes and envisioned themselves sailing on a boat around the world. Unfortunately for them, when they opened their eyes, there was no accompanying reality.

They sold all their worldly belongings, bought themselves a boat, spent a small fortune renovating it and set sail. They neglected to take into account one minor detail - neither of them knew how to sail.

Unsurprisingly, within 24 hours, their boat and their dream, sank. They now have to pay another fortune to salvage the boat.

I have two words to say to anyone who wants to take a sailing trip around the world but does not know how to sail - Cruise Ship. Board one and stay safe.


When a third Sex and the City movie was being considered, Kim Cattrall did us all a favour and declined to do it. This resulted in Sarah Jessica Parker suggesting that she was a diva.

Kim promptly had a diva fit and said that none of the ladies had ever been friends. SJP was immensely hurt by this and so began a feud.

Recently, Kim's brother passed away and she announced his death on social media. SJP sent her condolences and they flew right back at her with words like hypocrite and exploiting thrown in.

These two are no spring chickens and were certainly not born in the age of social media, so it is very surprising that they should have such an open feud on it, particularly, considering the tragic circumstances.

Maybe they are going by the adage 'there's no such thing as bad publicity'. That may be true but there is such a thing as poor taste ladies.

When Kim and Kanye named their first child North, I just assumed the ones that followed were 'direction' names as well. Apparently, according to Kim, North is the best, so she did not want to make her other children feel any less special by calling them East or South.

Hence, the one that followed North was called Saint (because he is a blessing). Fair enough, but why name the third one after a pizza?

Until next week, try and keep it light!

  

A lighter look at the news

You may not have heard of Jo Marney before - blissfully, neither had I. You may now wish that you had never heard of her - regrettably, so do I. 

If you are one of the lucky few who hasn't heard of her and are asking yourself, in the parlance of the young, 'who that?' Let me enlighten you.

'That' is the  25 year old (now) ex-girlfriend of the 54 year old leader of the UKIP party, Henry Bolton. Why is she relevant? She isn't. However, she did say some rather nasty things about Meghan Markle and black people in general.

She tried to defend herself and her vitriolic comments by saying that they were taken 'out of context'. Someone needs to tell her that there is no wiggle room when you write racist texts. 

The intent and meaning is very clear, or, in language she understands, very black and white.

I am surprised her superior brain did not work that out before she came up with the lame and ridiculous 'out of context' excuse. Personally, I think she is, to use the parlance of the young  yet again, 'well jel'.

After all, Sparkle Markle got herself a younger, handsome prince and Barmy Marney got herself an older leader of a party that is no longer relevant. And now she doesn't even have that. 

As they say, 'if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all'. Simple yet wise. Thank you to whoever 'they' are. I am also extremely vexed that, despite my best efforts, I now know the name of the leader of the UKIP party.

Moving on to more pleasant happenings, the modern day saviour of the European world, visited Britain. Emmanuel Macron paid us a visit and immediately performed a miracle.

He got Theresa May to look relaxed and smile, showing shades of her strong and stable days. But then he does have a way with older women. 

You may be aware that Gwyneth Paltrow is soon to be permanently coupled with Brad Falchuk. In anticipation of their coupling, she sported an engagement ring at the Producer's Guild Awards.

Now, I expected to see entwined jute encircling her finger, imitations of which would be sold on Goop for £500/-. I was  disappointment to see her sporting a huge coloured rock. 

Nevertheless, we still wish Palfal lots of luck, not that they need it. According to Gwynnie, at this juncture in their lives they will 'use their collective successes and failures as building blocks to a happy and healthy relationship'. 

Now I know how she came up with the name 'Goop' for her online magazine - she speaks a lot of it.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter look at the news

The Orange One across the pond is at it again. Not that he ever stopped but this time he and his thumbs have taken on a grieving pregnant widow of a Sergeant who was killed in Niger.

The widow claimed that during a condolence telephone conversation, DT couldn’t remember her husband’s name - ironically the husband’s name  is ‘La Donald’, so how difficult could it be for The Donald to remember the name La Donald, is beyond me (and most people I guess).

Displaying classic ‘Empathy Bypass Syndrome’, the President took to twitter to refute her claim. I will repeat my suggestion of a few weeks’ back -  take the phone away and put the thumbs into therapy. Don’t worry about the brain, it doesn’t appear to engage with the thumbs while tweeting.

There’s a woman called Sophie Tanner who was so desperate to be guaranteed perpetual marital bliss, she married who she thought was her perfect partner - herself!

Now, if you are single and tempted - I know you don’t have too far to look and you have the added advantage of already knowing your ‘partner’ -  please don’t rush off to book the priest and the venue.

What Ms Tanner didn’t take into account is that we don’t always keep promises to ourselves. So, she cheated on herself and had an affair with some chap.

But now the affair is over and she has forgiven herself (so much easier when you are married to yourself) and hopes to live happily ever after. She and her ‘spouse’ have come to an agreement that this is their last chance. So, another affair and she will divorce herself.

That is why I urged you not to book the priest and venue. It is far more complicated than it sounds. I suggest that youh go back to Tinder (or whatever other matchmaking website you prefer).

Now you may not know this but Meghan Markle has a half sister. Up until recently, I doubt if Meghan remembered that she had a big sister, as apparently, they have been estranged for ten years.

As always, where there is fame, there are relatives who turn up to give their tuppence worth. Actually, they probably get more than tuppence, which is why they appear in the first place.

Anyway, Samantha Markle has spoken ‘affectionately’ of her little sister Meghan and thinks that, should Meghan and Harry marry, (love the rhyme), they will be amazing together. But, just in case it doesn’t work out between Meghan and Harry, big sister has decided to cash in right now and write a book.

The book is about the sisters’ life together - ‘a beautiful, warm, witty story.’ The title of said book - The Diary of Princess Pushy’s Sister.’ I couldn’t think of a more beautiful, warm and witty title, could you?

Strictly Come Dancing was fab on Saturday despite the absence of judge Bruno and his accompanying verbal and physical histrionics.

I know that Head Judge Shirley Ballas has an impeccable pedigree where dance is concerned. What I did not know was how ruthless she can be in psychological warfare.

Simon and Brian were in the dance off and of course we all know how much Shirley lurrrves Simon. So, when she was asked if she had any tips for Brian to improve in the dance off, she looked him straight in the eye and said ‘do not make any mistakes.’

Considering he hadn’t made any noticeable mistakes in the first place, I am not sure that it was suitable ‘advice’ but that did not stop Shirley from repeating her ‘do not make any mistakes’ advice a couple more times.

What did Brian proceed to do in the dance off? Make mistakes of course! Actually, so did Simon but we all know how much Shirley lurrrves Simon. You don’t need more than one guess to know who went through.

I have a bone to pick with Strictly. You know when there is an eclipse, we are told not to look directly at the sun? Well, why were we not given similar advice before Ruth and Anton’s routine? Those shimmering, sequinned trousers every time Anton moved cried out for eye protection!

Also, a storm warning would have been thoughtful. I could feel a gust in my living room and had to hang on to the arms of my chair every time he moved his arms.

At least I am assuming there were arms under those heavily frilled sleeves! I haven’t laughed so much since Mr Balls and his hip thrusting ‘Love Potion No. 9’ routine last year!

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter look at the news

If you live under a rock and have only just surfaced, Pippa Middleton got married yesterday. Yay. True to rumours that she did not want Meghan Markle there, Harry was on his own, at least in the morning. Apparently, Miss Markle made an appearance in the evening. Perhaps because all slim brunettes look the same after sundown.

If, indeed, the reason for not inviting Ms. Markle to the wedding was to avoid any limelight being taken away from the bride, I am afraid it did not work. But then Pips could hardly not invite her own nephew and niece to her wedding.

Yes, little George and Charlotte did to their Aunty, what their Aunty(and her clingy white dress) did to their mummy on her wedding day - they well and truly stole the limelight!

Now, I am not one to judge (as you can tell from my blog) but I got the impression that Kate would be one of those Mums who has one of those fixed 'isn't my child wonderful?' smiles on their face, even when their child is being anything but wonderful.

Turns out, she is not. There was much shushing and finger pointing, particularly in the direction of her first born, as he gleefully stood on the bride's train, which he followed with a royal tantrum, after being told off, no doubt. 

Talking of childish behaviour, Harry Styles apparently is all grown up now. How do I know this? Well, in a recent interview in the Sunday Times magazine, he informed the general public that he has taken off the hat that is usually and jauntily placed on his head and thrown it in the political ring.

Now don't be alarmed. He is not joining politics, all he is doing is supporting the party that 'opposes Brexit the most'. Not sure if he is being coy and not naming the party, or he couldn't bother himself to find out which party that is.

Now, if you are a Brexiteer, you should be very, very scared. After all, Mr. Styles has the potential to garner millions of votes....... but then, 14 to 16 year olds are not allowed to vote, so perhaps not.

In the meanwhile, the Conservatives appear not to be heading for a landslide win, as their Manifesto is not very popular. So, they are still strong but not very stable.

Perhaps this is what appears to have spurred Jeremy Corbyn on, as his speeches are getting more and more animated. I recently saw him on TV, giving  a speech, where he kept hopping from one foot to the other, as if Diane Abbott was lightly running a feather on the soles of his feet. 

So for now, try and keep it light.....and if you can't, make sure it's worth the calories!

LIGHTER NEWS