A lighter look at Easter

I read a horror story recently. Apparently retailers are
trying very hard to turn Easter into Christmas. I am not sure
how you turn a birth into a death and resurrection but where
profit and money are concerned, I guess, miracles can happen.

I know commercial retailers are not looking at it
from a Christian angle and I also know, some people will start jumping up and down, reminding us that both Christmas and Easter have Pagan origins.

In my opinion, that only gives Pagans the right to complain. If not, don’t exploit Paganism to make a cheap point.

Also,will those jumping-up-and-down people explain how some people, who can’t tell the difference between Lent and length, now piously give up chocolates, crisps, alcohol and other ‘bad’ stuff, 'for Lent' to detoxify their body, not so much their soul?

Embarrassingly, I now sound  preachy. Not my intention at all, but when I read that retailers are doing their very best to

commercialise Easter by way of encouraging consumers

to buy Easter presents and decorations, I get a bit grumpy.

I start to imagine a huge lit up Easter Egg hanging on my

front door, and children making lists and leaving carrots
for the Easter Bunny, who apparently will  burrow into
their living rooms in the middle of the night, with loads
of presents for them.

Neither I, nor my credit card, can handle another annual ‘wish list’.

So let’s keep Easter the way it is.

Overindulge in chocolate and alcohol after 40 days of abstinence!

A lighter look at the news

By all accounts, after hearing and reading the allegations made against Harvey Weinstein, one would probably deduce that the man is a misogynist and a bully, among other things.

But guess who has decided to throw her two pennies' worth (and I am being generous) into the mix? None other than Gwyneth Paltrow. Yes, Gwynnie  has said 'Art is art' and urges us not to forget, despite his terrible behaviour,  all his brilliant films.

In other words, she is urging us not to forget one particular film - Shakespeare in Love - for which Ms. 'Cup-runneth-over-with-forgiveness-and- £200/-grass juice', won an Oscar.

Not that I would suggest that our modern day Sage has a single selfish cell, much less bone, in her body. As she says, 'Art is art' - I can now disengage my tongue from my cheek.

Stormy weather is still forecast for a certain President, in the near future. I have heard the phrase 'All the President's Women' being bandied about, whether it is by way of a headline or a suggestion for a film title based on recent events/revelations.

Among these revelations, in her interview on  60 minutes, Ms Daniels alleges that she spanked the President on his bottom, with a Forbes Magazine that had his picture on the cover. In other words, she enabled him to smack his backside with his face.

Hilary Clinton may wish to send a thank you note to Ms Daniels. I'm sure that is something she's been wanting to do for a long time.

Less, 'All the President's Women',  more  'Fifty Shades of Orange', if you ask me.

I did feel a twinge of pity for Australia's sacked Cricket Captain when he broke down in front of the world's media and sobbed. 

Now, it's not like me to be cynical (as is evident from my blog) but were those tears of remorse for cheating or were those tears of remorse for being sloppy and getting caught? 

I suppose it starts with a little scratch of the ball here and an illegal rub there and before you know it, you are brazen enough to indulge in full blown ball tampering. Then you get careless and you get caught.

Let this be a lesson to all cricketers. Deliver the ball the way it is meant to be delivered, whether at high speed or with spin. What's the worst that could happen? 

You could get trounced 4-0, the way Britain was, against Australia in the last Ashes. I almost feel like saying a belated 'well done' to the British Cricket team.

Until next week, try and keep it light....and if you can't, have an Easter egg on me!

A lighter take on the news

The other day, I bought a rather delicious looking packet of chilli  peanuts. They were not my usual brand, so I flipped the packet to see where they were manufactured. I wish I hadn't.

A 'warning' caught my eye. It said, 'may contain nuts'. Well, I should jolly well hope so. If the packet says 'peanuts' I expect it to contain nuts not rice crackers. Not for a nano second did I think  that there was a possibility that it may not contain nuts.

I tore the packet open and dipped my hand in. They definitely felt like peanuts. I popped a few in my mouth. They certainly tasted like peanuts (with a zing of chilli, as promised). 

So, why were the manufacturers indecisive? Why were they teasing me with the 'may'.

Intrigued, my eyes moved further down only to see a 'caution'. It said 'caution : contains nuts'. Phew! If only I'd read that first, I'd have avoided my moment of panic.

I decided to investigate to see if all products that cause severe allergies have this 'state the obvious and insult the consumer' labelling. 

So, I looked at my box of eggs. It said 12 Free Range Barn Eggs at the top, with 'Medium' below it and 'best before' to the side. I looked to see if it said 'warning : this product may contain eggs'. It didn't. I looked to see if it said 'caution: contains eggs'. It didn't.

So, the special warnings and cautions seem to be reserved just for nuts, written by nuts.

Along similar lines, Gary Barlow also appears to have graduated from the School of 'state the obvious'.

You may have noticed that he has shed some weight over the years. Perhaps he was waiting for someone to ask him about it. Perhaps no one did.

He decided to enlighten us anyway. Why not? Most celebrities think they are endlessly fascinating.

Brace yourselves now. The secret to his successful weight loss, that he so unselfishly wants to share with everyone, is  - freshly cooked food (no processed ready cooked food he emphasises just in case you are a wholemeal sandwich short of a picnic and aren't able to make that deduction).

That is his first tip. 'Exercise' is his next. (I did warn you to brace yourself). Finally, the 'S' word - Sugar! Yes, three huge tips that no one had thought of before.

Thank you Mr. Barlow. If only it was that easy, you could sing 'What a wonderful (slim) world we live in' and add another notch to your belt - a cure for insomnia.

Liam could bearly stand the payne (I do apologise) of being separated from his baby son on his first birthday. He posted a picture on Instagram with a message 'you are my world'.

Despite having such intellectuals for parents, I don't think the one year old can read.  Which is just as well, otherwise he would not fail to see the irony of his dad saying 'you are my world' while flying half way across the world to Japan on his first birthday.

Meanwhile, a certain President was probably hoping that the latest alleged accusations of an affair would turn out to be a Storm(y) in a D cup. But like Britain's Beast from the East, it keeps returning.

Will it turn into a blizzard? Only time will tell - in fact 60 minutes today. And just to get us in the Easter mood, there is a bunny involved as well, albeit, of the Playboy variety.

You will be relieved to know that I don't have the will to go into it or make any puns about it.

Tay May can stop dragging her designer shoes, as the Brexit talks appear to be on course. Now, I am going to sound like I've also graduated from the University of 'State the obvious' but really, all it takes is a little give and take on both sides.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter take on the news

Cheryl Tweedy Cole Versini Fernandez and a Payne-in-waiting, is releasing a new album. The producer of the said album is someone called Naughty Boy.

Anyway, Naughty Boy is rather pained about people's attitude towards his client and has said, 'I do feel sorry for Cheryl, all she wants to do is make her music.' Well if that is all Cheryl wants to do, I too feel sorry for her.

He further goes on to say, 'I get a bit disheartened because I think people should just wait for the music. It will be worth the wait.' Promises, promises, you naughty boy!

You know how everyone and  their aunty and her cat rushed to have an opinion on Brexit? Well, not Plan B. He took his time. 

In fact he took as much time to form an educated opinion on Brexit, as it has taken him to come up with a new album (far be it for me to be cynical - I am sure it was just a happy coincidence).

Anyway, he grew up in East London and compares Brexiteers to con artists. Naming no names, I can see where he is coming from.

However, he further went on to say, 'when people ask you to make a really big decision quickly, without giving you time to think, they're usually trying to scam you.'

Well, I wouldn't dream of disputing the canny knowledge of an East Londoner. However, correct me if I am wrong, but wasn't it David Cameron who called the Referendum that decided if we stayed or left the EU?

Also, once again, feel free to correct me if I am wrong, but wasn't David Cameron in favour of staying in the EU, or in referendum parlance, a 'Bremainer'? 

Hmmm, made a big decision to give your opinion without giving yourself time to think, didn't you Plan B? Time to move on to Plan C, I think.

I believe some of the best ideas come to us when we are still and sober and some of the worst, when we are restless and drunk. Just ask Rugby Player Dom Flannagan.

Mr. Flanagan was rather inebriated when he had a light bulb moment to start a whatsapp group, 'Dom's Angels'. He then proceeded to write: started a group whatsapp with every bird in my contacts. 

He continued to communicate with all the 'birds'  in the group by issuing this charming invitation:  Hia girls, it's Dom, couldn't be a**** texting you all individually, what you all doing tonight?'

He did get a lot of replies. Unfortunately for him, they were all from Angry Birds.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter take on the news

Italy's former Prime Minister, 81 year old, Silvio Berlusconi, tried to make a political comeback, although, due to his tax fraud convictions, he would not be able to hold office. Nevertheless, he decided to back a nominee.

Understandably, this incensed a 'Femen' activist so much, that she jumped on a table, topless, in front of him, with the words, 'Berlusconi, you've expired' written in black on her chest, at the polling station where he went to cast his vote.

I am all for feminist protests but stripping to the waist and jumping in front of Bunga Bunga Berlusconi,  seems more like reward than punishment.

The only way that would've been punishment/torture, would be, if what she'd written on her chest, was literally true.

Anyway, the party he was backing did not win, so he and his 32 year old girl friend have  bunga-bunga-ed off into the sunset.

This year Donald Trump decided to grace the Gridiron Club  Dinner in Washington DC with his presence and (unfortunately) his humour. 

In reference to the staff leaving the White House he is supposed to have said,' who's going to be the next to leave?  Steve Miller or Melania?' 

Well, since you asked, how about the person who is the cause of all these people leaving?

He also made reference to  #FreeMelania, saying that she was 'having a great time'. Yes, we know. The look of pure pleasure on her face every time he reaches for her hand is a joy to behold.

He certainly did not miss his calling as a stand-up comic and normally I would say, 'don't quit your day job' but in this case...... perhaps not.

Saint Jamie of Oliver has taken a flying leap on his high horse yet again and is  casting his moral pearls of  wisdom our way.

It is not just nutritional wisdom that he is imparting this time, he appears to be dabbling in social engineering as well.

Having already tackled Schools and Hospitals, he's turned his attention to the 'poverty stricken and obese'. As if life hasn't already dealt them an unfair hand, they have to listen to his tripe.

This is some of what he has said:

'Will power is a very unique personal thing. We can't judge our equivalent of middle class logic on theirs because they are in a different gear, almost in a different country.'

 I think his brain is in a different gear to his mouth - the brain in first and the mouth in fifth. And talking of a different country, I am surprised he is still in this one, considering his threat to leave the country if Britain opted for Brexit.

Anyway, if you are reading this Mr. O, I have a brilliant idea and possible solution to this problem. It involves you putting your money where your mouth is (with the double benefit of shutting your  gob as well - no offence).

You know all those failing 'Jamie's Italian Restaurants?' They could be converted by into non-profit, healthy, Eating Houses for the 'poverty stricken and obese', that you are so concerned about. 

With your generosity and all that 'pukka' food, Britain will be the healthiest country in the world and we'll all be travelling in the same gear.

Also, if you get so immersed in this project and end up giving away your millions, at least you will have your middle class logic and will power to help you avoid getting obese.

There you go, now you know how it feels to be preached at, not to mention, patronised.

Finally, the Oscars gave Donald Trump the opportunity to gloat. He tweeted, 'Lowest ratings Oscars in HISTORY. Problem is we don't have stars anymore, except your President (just kidding).'

I am confused. Does Donald Trump think he is the President of the World? Nevertheless, kidding or not, I have to agree that he is a big star, just like our other big star - the Sun. They are both big orange balls of hot air, over exposure to which should be avoided.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter look at the news

It is March and Spring should be on its way in Britain. But not this year. This year, we are being treated to some more than liberal sprinkling of snow.

As usual, things have ground to a halt and this has given some Nordic Countries and Canada (in other words countries that spend half the year shovelling the white stuff), the opportunity to poke fun at us by way of tweets and memes galore! 

Among the tweets and memes, there are 'look at us' show off ones - basically people in skimpy underwear diving into freezing lakes (whatever floats your iceberg I suppose) and  'you pitiful Brits' ones. 

A poor little Kingfisher in Amsterdam was frozen solid. I half expected to see a Scandinavian/Canadian tweet saying 'our birds fly without feathers in -20C.' But then again, it happened in Amsterdam not Britain. 

I seem to recall a late summer heat wave in some parts of Canada last year. I also seem to recall a lot of complaining and a Marathon being cancelled.

What I don't recall is people in hot countries like India going, 'look, they shed most of their clothes in their 'heat wave'. Look at us with our long sleeved shirts and long trousers!' Or 'they cancel their marathons because it's 37C, we play cricket all day long in over 40C temperatures!'

Theresa May has given her third Brexit speech, the gist of which is that we can't have our cake and eat it as well. I'll be surprised if anyone is surprised by that mighty revelation.

Be that as it 'May', the Prime Minister would do well to at least put the ingredients together, taking great care not to let Bo Jo anywhere near the mixing bowl, lest we are left with no cake at all, to have or to eat. 

Melania Trump is playing her hand games again. Only this time, it was less of a bone shattering swat and more of a hand evasion. She expertly dodged the  presidential hand and pretended to use her hand to hold her skirt in place.

Before that, on their way to North Carolina, Trump, ever the gentleman, had dashed out of his car and run up the stairs of Air Force One without a backward glance to see how his wife was coping in the very windy conditions.

Not that I blame him - he was probably trying to avoid another bad (windswept) hair day.

Anyway, in a bid to make up for his thoughtless trot up the stairs, he tried grabbing Melania's hand when they arrived. As if that was ever going to work but full marks for bravery.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter take on this week's news

A Tory MP by the name of Andrew Bridgen has asked the head of the National Crime Agency to start an Inquiry to investigate how 'Teflon' Keith Vaz, Labour MP, has amassed the considerable wealth that he has.

Alledgedly, Mr Vaz has eight houses in the UK worth a few million pounds and some property in India as well. A little baffling, considering he earns around £74,000/- a year as an MP.

Intriguing, I agree but just as intriguing is how he could afford his other 'expense' - his rent boys. Perhaps that expenditure was funded by 'Jim' from the bonuses he received from selling all those washing machines.

Amidst women coming together and supporting each other in a bid to affect change in the behaviour of powerful men towards them, there are some women who, through good fortune, may not have had such encounters and who now feel obliged to pass on  'safety tips' to their sisters.

Recently Joanna Lumley came up with this gem (I am paraphrasing), if your gut tells you not to go to his hotel room, then don't.

She should be getting paid for such invaluable advice. She should also be paid double if her advice includes a tip for 'him' - if your gut (or any other part of your anatomy) tells you that you want more than just the drink you are inviting her for, then don't.

At the BAFTA Awards ceremony this evening, majority of the women wore black in support of the #metoo and time'sup campaigns, with one exception - Kate Middleton. She wore a green dress.

Apparently, it is in keeping with Royal Protocol to not align with any public protest. And here I thought Kate and William were a modern couple.

She is a tall lady, so I am not sure how recent happenings have gone over her head but it appears to have done so, as Miranda Hart gave this advise to people on Valentine's Day, 'Go to work and hug all you colleagues'(!). 

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter look at the news

Apparently, Prince Harry has decided to invite his 'difficult' Aunt to his wedding to Meghan Markle. Now, you might wonder who the difficult aunt is.

It is not Princess Ann although her dour expression may lead you to believe so. It could not be the Countess of Wessex - her RBF is too pleasant.

So, that just leaves 'Solid Rock' Sarah Ferguson. I am sure she will behave herself, although someone should make sure she doesn't give an impromptu toast.

It will turn the celebrations into a snooze fest as she rattles on about guiding tributaries gently to their final destinations.

You know how we sometimes shut our eyes and envision something extraordinary happening to us? Then we open our eyes and reality sinks in and we carry on with our regular, unremarkable lives.

Well, a couple in Florida shut their eyes and envisioned themselves sailing on a boat around the world. Unfortunately for them, when they opened their eyes, there was no accompanying reality.

They sold all their worldly belongings, bought themselves a boat, spent a small fortune renovating it and set sail. They neglected to take into account one minor detail - neither of them knew how to sail.

Unsurprisingly, within 24 hours, their boat and their dream, sank. They now have to pay another fortune to salvage the boat.

I have two words to say to anyone who wants to take a sailing trip around the world but does not know how to sail - Cruise Ship. Board one and stay safe.


When a third Sex and the City movie was being considered, Kim Cattrall did us all a favour and declined to do it. This resulted in Sarah Jessica Parker suggesting that she was a diva.

Kim promptly had a diva fit and said that none of the ladies had ever been friends. SJP was immensely hurt by this and so began a feud.

Recently, Kim's brother passed away and she announced his death on social media. SJP sent her condolences and they flew right back at her with words like hypocrite and exploiting thrown in.

These two are no spring chickens and were certainly not born in the age of social media, so it is very surprising that they should have such an open feud on it, particularly, considering the tragic circumstances.

Maybe they are going by the adage 'there's no such thing as bad publicity'. That may be true but there is such a thing as poor taste ladies.

When Kim and Kanye named their first child North, I just assumed the ones that followed were 'direction' names as well. Apparently, according to Kim, North is the best, so she did not want to make her other children feel any less special by calling them East or South.

Hence, the one that followed North was called Saint (because he is a blessing). Fair enough, but why name the third one after a pizza?

Until next week, try and keep it light!

  

A lighter take on the weekly news

If you have been a Spice Girls' fan, you may need to sit down when you read this - the Spice Girls are having a reunion! (If you are not a spice girls' fan, I congratulate you on your good taste).

Anyway, they are apparently being paid 10 million each for the said reunion.

While the other 'girls' are probably gargling their vocal chords with  Himalayan salt water and hiring voice coaches, Posh has poutily pondered and come up with a classic proviso to her contract - she will do it as long as she doesn't have to sing.

The promoters were probably weak with relief - I am sure they had no intention of letting her 'sing' in the first place. 

I have always (I confess for all of 5 seconds) wondered why, except for 'Ginger', none of the other girls' names were actual spices.

Now that they are mature, I think they should keep it real and rename themselves appropriately - which is what they should have done in the first place.

'Baby' should be Mustard (seed) spice, Scary should be 'Star Anise' spice (a tiny pinch packs a punch), Sporty should be 'Nutmeg' spice (a little goes a long way) and if Ginger fancies a change, she could be 'Turmeric' spice.

That just leaves good old 'Posh'. With her constant bland expression, I can't come up with an appropriate spice name, so we'll just have to settle for  'Pouty LipSync' spice. 

A made up spice for a made up singer. 

While Oprah Winfrey won many fans with her female empowering speech at the Golden Globes, she failed to win over our very own Ann Robinson. 

Ann has said that she 'loathes' Oprah. A very strong word from one strong woman to another - yay for sisterhood.

To cut a short story even shorter, Ann and her daughter appeared on the Oprah show back when Ann (and her quiz show) were relevant.

There also happened to be another 'Mother and Daughter' combo at the show,  who  did not get along and apparently Oprah worked her magic and they worked their 'problems' out (on the show).

However, according to Ann, after the show, she and her daughter shared a taxi with the said mother and daughter, who came to blows in the shared taxi. 'Where was Oprah then?' asks Ann.

To state the obvious, not in the taxi. But guess who was there? The  Queen of Mean. All she (Ann) had to do was shout 'you are the weakest links' and kick them out of the cab. Instead she cowered in a corner. 

So who really is the weakest link? 

If it makes Ann feel any better, I am sure Oprah, with all her meditation and mindfulness,  doesn't loathe her back. I doubt she even remembers her. Don't take offence Ann, wink, wink!

I have to say that the cockles of my heart are warmed and  I feel so honoured that this is the 'Year of the Woman'. But in the words of that very influential modern day woman, Beyonce, 'Question' - what happens at the end of the year?

Do things go back to the way they were? Because a year cannot possibly right the wrongs that a lot women have endured.

If you really want to level the playing field, how about calling it the 'Millennium of the Woman'. That will be a start.

On her recent visit to China, Theresa May was informed that the Chinese people affectionately called her 'Auntie May'. Apparently she was flattered to be considered a family member.

Sorry Tay May but I have always called my aunts by their first name, as in 'Auntie Dorothy'; not Auntie Smith, or Auntie Fernandes. 

Also, I don't remember David Cameron being called 'Uncle Cameron' when he visited China as PM.  Once again, I rest my case for the 'Millennium of the Woman'.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter take on this week's news

It may surprise you to know that despite all his success as a tennis champion, Boris Becker is in debt. In a bid to clear said debt, he has decided to sell off some of his trophies.

Unfortunately, there is a minor, inconvenient detail - BB can't remember where he's kept them. Perhaps he should check the broom closet. He has found delightful surprises in there before.

Emmanuel Macron he is not, but Donald Trump gave charm and flattery a good try recently while on the phone to Theresa May. Apparently, he told her,'You could be this generation's Churchill.'

I am not sure what brought on that comparison. Perhaps he'd just seen a screening of 'Darkest Hour'. I hope Tay May was sitting when she took the call.

Someone should be on stand-by to remind her of the dangers of smoking, lest she  takes to cigars.

Talking of flattering things people say, Sarah Ferguson paid this rather strange tribute to herself, just before her daughter Eugenie announced her impending marriage this year.

"The river flows well to its destiny because of the guidance of a solid rock." If you do say so yourself, Solid Rock.

I came across a rather curious picture on Instagram of  Ed Balls, sandwiched  between two blondes, labelled as Trumpettes. Curious to find out what or who a Trumpette was - I was having a slow day and missed the obvious inference - I clicked on the link.

I discovered that they are female Trump campaigners. You will be relieved to know that Mr Balls has not converted to being a Trumpet (I am assuming that's what male campaigners are called) but was there to do a  documentary for the BBC.

Considering he is an ex-politician, one might be forgiven if one assumed that he was at Donald Trump's Florida resort rubbing shoulders (among other things) with Trumpettes, to document Trump's first year in office. One would be wrong.

The 'documentary' is 'Ed Balls - My Deep South Road Trip'. Judging by the picture, one can imagine  how 'deep' this documentary will be. More like 'Balls having a Ball at Tax Payers' expense.'

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter look at the news

You may not have heard of Jo Marney before - blissfully, neither had I. You may now wish that you had never heard of her - regrettably, so do I. 

If you are one of the lucky few who hasn't heard of her and are asking yourself, in the parlance of the young, 'who that?' Let me enlighten you.

'That' is the  25 year old (now) ex-girlfriend of the 54 year old leader of the UKIP party, Henry Bolton. Why is she relevant? She isn't. However, she did say some rather nasty things about Meghan Markle and black people in general.

She tried to defend herself and her vitriolic comments by saying that they were taken 'out of context'. Someone needs to tell her that there is no wiggle room when you write racist texts. 

The intent and meaning is very clear, or, in language she understands, very black and white.

I am surprised her superior brain did not work that out before she came up with the lame and ridiculous 'out of context' excuse. Personally, I think she is, to use the parlance of the young  yet again, 'well jel'.

After all, Sparkle Markle got herself a younger, handsome prince and Barmy Marney got herself an older leader of a party that is no longer relevant. And now she doesn't even have that. 

As they say, 'if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all'. Simple yet wise. Thank you to whoever 'they' are. I am also extremely vexed that, despite my best efforts, I now know the name of the leader of the UKIP party.

Moving on to more pleasant happenings, the modern day saviour of the European world, visited Britain. Emmanuel Macron paid us a visit and immediately performed a miracle.

He got Theresa May to look relaxed and smile, showing shades of her strong and stable days. But then he does have a way with older women. 

You may be aware that Gwyneth Paltrow is soon to be permanently coupled with Brad Falchuk. In anticipation of their coupling, she sported an engagement ring at the Producer's Guild Awards.

Now, I expected to see entwined jute encircling her finger, imitations of which would be sold on Goop for £500/-. I was  disappointment to see her sporting a huge coloured rock. 

Nevertheless, we still wish Palfal lots of luck, not that they need it. According to Gwynnie, at this juncture in their lives they will 'use their collective successes and failures as building blocks to a happy and healthy relationship'. 

Now I know how she came up with the name 'Goop' for her online magazine - she speaks a lot of it.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter take on the news

Apparently, Donald Trump forgot the words to the American national anthem. Midway through singing the Star Spangled Banner, he appeared to stop and mumble along. In other words, he did a Mariah Carey.

Some people expressed concern that he may be in the early stages of dementia. I express concern that he is in the latter stages of 'never knew the words in the first place.'

Never mind, I don't think you need to know the words to the national anthem to make a country great again.

In the meanwhile, Oprah Winfrey gave a rousing and inspirational speech at the Golden Globes this week. Now, pre-Donald Trump, this speech would've gotten the praise it deserves. A few die hard Oprah fans may have called for her to run for President and they would've been shouted down by everyone else, possibly, even Ms. Winfrey.

Post-Trump, she appears to be doing a lightening bolt towards the White House, with Vice-President Deepak Chopra and Chief of Staff, Gayle King following close behind at her heels.  A black woman taking over from him? Someone hand Trump a covffe before he faints from the shock!

Perhaps Seal felt the  need for some attention because he decided to jump in, mouth first. He called Oprah 'sanctimonious' and said that she was part of the problem. Mmmm a man deciding to accuse a woman of a problem caused by (some) men. Should've kept your lips sealed, Seal.

Theresa May optimistically decided to have a reshuffle of her cabinet. Not the wooden one in her living room, although she probably would've had better luck there. 

She made the decision to move Justine Greening from Education to Work and Pensions and Justine Greening made the decision to quit. So no reshuffling there. She also decided Jeremy Hunt wasn't good for Health (who can blame her) and wanted to make him Business secretary. 

The Hunt thought for all of  ten seconds before deciding he was very happy where he was, so thank you but no thank you. He wasn't going to be reshuffled. 

Funny how the woman who did not want to be reshuffled, had to quit but the man who did not want to be reshuffled, got to stay. Someone needs to get Ms Winfrey across post haste, to give one of her inspiring speeches, with a front row seat reserved for Tay May.

According to Liam Gallagher, his brother Noel is desperate for an Oasis reunion but Noel's wife will not allow it. Possibly because she knows that there are only so many times Phoenix can rise from the ashes.

Liam thinks that Noel is keen to play in big stadiums (or stadia, if you prefer) but that is only possible when he, Liam,  is around, as only his presence fills out these stadiums. Actually, it is Liam who doesn't have a choice -  he has to play in huge stadiums - no other venue can accommodate  his ego.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

A lighter look at the news

It's a brand new year but  some of the stuff that's been happening since we rang in the new year, is the same old nonsense. Take for example the resignation of a chef by the name of Laura Goodman.

Ms. Goodman hurt the sentiments of vegans all over the planet, after she claimed to have 'spiked' a vegan's pizza with mozzarella. 

She made this exaggerated claim in a Facebook group called 'The Boring Group.'

Now I can think of two reasons why she did this. Firstly, she did not quite know the meaning of the word 'spike'. Secondly, she was trying to inject some fun into 'The Boring Group'.

The air was filled with methane as vegans snorted in disgust. Tree hugging, peace loving, animal caring, animal products caring, animal by-products caring vegans united together, not just to denounce her actions but some were so incensed, they issued death threats.

I am not sure if there is any research to back this, but I wonder if not eating meat, fish, dairy etc. makes one's skin a bit thin. Either that or they did not bother to find out what actually took place. 

Apparently, although Ms. Goodman had thoughtfully planned a vegan menu for the group of diners, this vegan diner chose pizza with mozzarella on it.  It was ordered by the person who ate it, who for all you know, may have been having a weak non-vegan moment (not unlike vegetarians and their 'bacon sarnie' moment). 

I remember on a night out, a lady (loosely speaking) who called herself vegetarian, ordering a tuna salad. Now, when it comes to food, I don't really have a filter, so I asked her about it (very politely, I might add). 

She calmly told me that she is a vegetarian who eats fish! When I suggested (no filter, remember?) that she should call herself Pescetarian (taking care once again to be polite), she said that she did not want to sound pretentious. I gave up.  

Anyway, I don't think Ms. Goodman will make the mistake of exaggerating in the near future. On a different note, I wonder if she is related to Len Goodman. I bet he'll be pickling his walnuts with irritation, if she is. Not that the vegans will mind - nuts are fine apparently.

Isn't it nice when experience teaches us a lesson? Even pop divas apparently can learn a lesson or two. After last year's New Year's Eve debacle in New York, Mariah Carey decided to do things differently this year.

She decided to actually show up in her own physical glory for the sound check before the show. Unlike last year, no stand-in was dispatched to do the honours. The result? A lovely, delightful performance.

Lest we think any less of her, a diva moment was to be had, by way of her stopping the show to demand hot tea. No hot tea was forthcoming, so she carried on nonetheless, like the 'Hero' she is. Well done Mimi - bodes well for 2018.

Donald Trump's ex Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon, has written a book. In it, he has made accusations against Donald Jnr., as well as Trump's son-in-law and the Russians. A little bit of a yawn in my opinion.

But guess who has not been introduced to the concept of 'there's no such thing as bad publicity'. Wading right in and offering free publicity by the bucket load,  Mr. Trump, among other things, has said (and I paraphrase) 'now that he is on his own, Steve Bannon realises that success is not as easy as I make it out to be'.

Hmmmm.... can't argue with him there, particularly as he is making such a huge contribution to the success of the book.

When you are flying, can you think of anything worse than the Pilot being distracted over residual bits of a spousal dispute?Unfortunately, over 200 passengers and crew on a Jet Airways flight from Heathrow to Mumbai, can vouch for something far worse. A domestic dispute in the cockpit!

Two pilots who were a 'couple' had a domestic, in which he allegedly slapped her. She dashed out of the cockpit, sobbing and the crew did their best to persuade her to go back but she wouldn't.

In the meanwhile, the co-pilot - otherwise known as the 'slapper'- tried to coax her back, to no avail. So he decided to leave the cockpit to personally use his obvious  'charm' to get her to go back into the cockpit. 

Eventually, they both returned and the plane landed safely in Mumbai. Bollywood meets Telenovela!

Until next time, try and keep it light!

A lighter look at 2017!

I can hardly believe a whole year has passed and we are once again bracing ourselves to ring in another year. Now the year has not been perfect. No year ever is. But Mariah Carey didn’t set us off to a good start with her performance or, should I say non-performance, at last year’s New Year’s Eve in New York.

Mimi smiled vacantly, interspersed with some mumbling. I wonder if she has reached a point in her ‘diva’ journey where she genuinely thinks just gracing the stage with her presence is enough.

Not an opinion shared by her backing dancers though. Oblivious to the fact that not a single note was being sung by the main star, they busted their dance moves as if Mims was in full volume.

Apparently, she is being given another chance this year. Watch this space……..

In June this year, Theresa ‘the Gambler’ May shot herself in her designer clad, strong and stable foot by calling for an election and has since been limping along with a ConDup party.

To give Tay May credit, her refrain still stays the same, ‘Brexit means Brexit’. I have one question to ask, ‘What else could it mean?’

Even if we carry on in the European Union, Brexit would still mean Brexit. It couldn’t possibly mean anything else. Just like bs still means bs.

I have a New Year’s resolution suggestion for Tay May. No more ditties. No more ‘Strong and Stable’. No more ‘Brexit means Brexit’. Just suck on your birthday present lozenge (thank you Mr. Hammond) and give your voice a much needed  rest.

Remember all those years ago when there was a suspicion that Iraq hoarded weapons of mass destruction? A war was fought on that presumption.

Well, now there is a small hand hovering over a button and one push of said button by said small hand, could unleash mass destruction. Where is Tony Blair when you need him?

All I can say is, if there ever is a threat that the hand will descend on the button, I hope Melania is around. As we have seen, she is an expert in swatting her husband's hand away.

My favourite photo this year is of the Trumps posing with Pope Francis. Ivanka and Melania were dressed as if they were attending a funeral, with expressions to match.

Pope Francis had a look that suggested that for the first time he regretted taking up the position of Pontiff because it obliged him to meet with the man to his right. Undeterred by all the gloom around him, the man to his right grinned delightedly, like a cat who ate all the potica. Pictorial gold.

In a 1998 world cup football match, the proverbial red mist descended on David Beckham, resulting in him kicking an opposing Argentinian footballer and then being made to literally see red by way of a card brandished by the referee.

Well, all these years later, there was a similar descending of red mist when the Honours List was announced and Mr. Beckham was to stay just that -Mister Beckham. In other words, no Sir, not this time.

He unleashed furious, four lettered emails, which unfortunately for him, later got leaked.Here I was thinking that he did all those charitable works because he realised/appreciated his good fortune. After all, not everyone with good-but-not-great talent gets to be so lucky.

Not that I blame him. He must have already planned his next tattoo in honour of his knighthood - 'Sir Golden Balls' perhaps?

Victoria probably designed her gown in anticipation and spent ages practising her slightly delighted pout. How terribly, terribly disappointing not to be rewarded after all that effort.

Never mind David, you will always have King Arthur and your role as Trigger the Knight. No one can take that away from you...no matter how hard you try!

.If you ever do anything remotely embarrassing, I have a remedy that is guaranteed to make you feel better. Just watch the Warren Beatty/ Faye Dunaway cock up at this year’s Oscars.

Mr Beatty wasn’t sure what to do and like a drowning man, he decided to take his co-presenter down with him, by handing her the card to read the ‘Best Picture’ award. Without missing a beat, Runaway Dunaway read the wrong film and the rest is Oscars’ history.

Finally, I would like to end my last blog of the year, featuring Gemma Collins in a ‘Should’ve gone to Specsavers’ moment.

Here's wishing everyone who is reading this, A Very Happy New Year!! May 2018 be filled with lots of light moments for all of us!!

It's a rant!!!

A new high (or should I say low) in the commercialisation of Christmas - toilet paper with images of Christmas trees on them. Not just  drab Christmas trees but each tree adorned with a star at the top. 

Really??? Do the manufacturers of these toilet rolls not know what their product is used for? Or maybe it's just their way of wishing us a Crappy Christmas. Rant over.