Weekly news - rave or rant?
You may not have heard of Jo Marney before - blissfully, neither had I. You may now wish that you had never heard of her - regrettably, so do I.
If you are one of the lucky few who hasn't heard of her and are asking yourself, in the parlance of the young, 'who that?' Let me enlighten you.
'That' is the 25 year old (now) ex-girlfriend of the 54 year old leader of the UKIP party, Henry Bolton. Why is she relevant? She isn't. However, she did say some rather nasty things about Meghan Markle and black people in general.
She tried to defend herself and her vitriolic comments by saying that they were taken 'out of context'. Someone needs to tell her that there is no wiggle room when you write racist texts.
The intent and meaning is very clear, or, in language she understands, very black and white.
I am surprised her superior brain did not work that out before she came up with the lame and ridiculous 'out of context' excuse. Personally, I think she is, to use the parlance of the young yet again, 'well jel'.
After all, Sparkle Markle got herself a younger, handsome prince and Barmy Marney got herself an older leader of a party that is no longer relevant. And now she doesn't even have that.
As they say, 'if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all'. Simple yet wise. Thank you to whoever 'they' are. I am also extremely vexed that, despite my best efforts, I now know the name of the leader of the UKIP party.
Moving on to more pleasant happenings, the modern day saviour of the European world, visited Britain. Emmanuel Macron paid us a visit and immediately performed a miracle.
He got Theresa May to look relaxed and smile, showing shades of her strong and stable days. But then he does have a way with older women.
You may be aware that Gwyneth Paltrow is soon to be permanently coupled with Brad Falchuk. In anticipation of their coupling, she sported an engagement ring at the Producer's Guild Awards.
Now, I expected to see entwined jute encircling her finger, imitations of which would be sold on Goop for £500/-. I was disappointment to see her sporting a huge coloured rock.
Nevertheless, we still wish Palfal lots of luck, not that they need it. According to Gwynnie, at this juncture in their lives they will 'use their collective successes and failures as building blocks to a happy and healthy relationship'.
Now I know how she came up with the name 'Goop' for her online magazine - she speaks a lot of it.
Until next week, try and keep it light!
Having not had any pearls of wisdom thrown our way by that modern day sage Gwyneth Paltrow, I assumed that she was meditating on the foothills of the Himalayas, stopping occasionally to sip wild yak's milk.
I was convinced she would be meditating on the life enhancing qualities of yak's milk and the possibility of selling the powdered version on her website for £200/- per 100 grams, amidst claims that it helps you live to a hundred and fifty six.
Well, I was wrong. She is very much around. Apparently, in a recent interview, she voiced her regret at parting ways with Brad Pitt. You may not remember that she dated Brad Pitt and who would blame you? It was over 20 years ago.
Now, I wonder if she is voicing her regrets because they have both 'consciously uncoupled' from their respective spouses. Perhaps she is hoping to replace 'Brangelina' with 'Braltrow' or 'Palpitt'. All I will say is, 'run for the Himalayas Brad!'
Talking of consciously uncoupling, the Brexit talks are going nowhere at breakneck speed. The EU representatives are doing a Jerry Maguire "show me the money" impersonation and Britain's representatives are trying to style it out with, 'yeah, yeah, of course we will show you some money eventually but first....'
It's like the two sides are having a staring competition, waiting for the other to blink first. Personally, I wish someone would poke both sides in the eye simultaneously - perhaps then we'll get somewhere.
Who knew Mariah Carey was such a tease?! In a recent video for Vogue.com, a glass of champagne in hand, she showed off her wardrobe and when it got to the lingerie section, she coyly said that she would love to walk around her home in just her lingerie.
You go right ahead Ms. Carey, just make sure your blinds are down. That's what I would call having your champagne and drinking it.
A deputy head of a London School has suggested that parents should not talk about diets and weight in front of their daughters. I think this deputy head should take a trip to Goa, where not just parents, but grandparents, aunties, uncles, other assorted relatives, friends, acquaintances and on the odd occasion, even strangers, take a pop at your weight.
Until next week, try and keep it light!
Three attacks in three months, perpetrated by forces intent on dividing the United Kingdom. It is hard to make light of the news when the news is so grim. But isn't that just what these soulless destroyers of peace want? To suck the joy out of living? So let's not let them.
One such act of solidarity and defiance is the concert that was held in Manchester yesterday for the victims. It was headlined by Ariana Grande and hats off to her, after all she is just 23 years old herself and went through the trauma of what happened to her fans and their parents at the end of her concert just two weeks ago. A truly inspiring and Grande performance.
In the meanwhile, that great statesman that is Donald Trump is in the news again. I wish it was trumped up news but unfortunately (I am tempted to bring the word 'alas' out of semi-retirement) it isn't. He has taken the USA out of the Paris Agreement on climate change. The future is not so bright, the future is orange.
Some people might find Gywneth Paltrow a little irritating. I don't agree. I find her extremely irritating. In a recent interview, she started out sounding self deprecating, so I actually read the blooming thing. Well, I exaggerate, skimmed through would be a better definition. I did this thinking that the self awareness she espouses, might actually have 'manifested' itself in her at last. Unfortunately (tempted by the word 'alas' again) not a hope in hell.
She spoke about having difficulties like everyone else.....but how she has used every single hardship as a stepping stone to something outrageously successful. She gave her magazine Goop as an example. Yes, the magazine that tells us how to make $200 grass juice smoothies with a little moon dust (I kid you not) thrown in.
In case you are interested, she stands by her decision to call her divorce from her husband 'conscious uncoupling'. Sorry Gwynie, you can consciously uncouple as much as you like (preferably in the privacy of your own home), as far as I am concerned a divorce by any other name is still a divorce.
Apparently, Louis Payne (I'm impressed I remember his name) is keen to have another baby with Cheryl whatever- her- surname-is -at- the- moment. I wish she would just be a Payne now that she has had a baby with one. Maybe they should have another baby and call him or her 'Window'.
Until next week, try and keep it light and stay safe.
