A lighter look at the weekly news

During Theresa May and Angela Merkel's recent verbal cha cha cha-ing (apologies for the mental picture this might paint but if you want to go further and add short, sequinned skirts, I won't judge), otherwise known as Brexit talks, I bet Mrs May thought that things could not possibly get any worse for her. Well, as it happens, things got even more messy for Tessy.

Her Deputy resigned on allegations of sexual misconduct and there are a few more who may follow him. Add to that the blundering boob that is Boris and you might wonder how long she and her party can cling on to power.

After all, the DUP part of the CONDUP party make up just 10 MPs. What will happen if more than 10 MPs are forced to leave the Conservative party?

Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. So, perhaps a coalition of the Conservatives, Lib Dems (been there, done that and Nick Clegg is wearing the tee shirt) and the SNP?

Now, I confess to not knowing much about the DUP. I know that they are led by a handsome woman (google her name if you care) but by and large she has been fairly quiet.

Can you imagine if the Conservatives form a coalition with the Lib Dems and the SNP? Braveheart Sturgeon will give new meaning to the word 'vociferous'.

Man of the people, Jeremy Corbyn - our modern day JC, decided to appear on a TV show of the people, albeit for charity. He appeared on Gogglebox and got very excited when a 'History' question was asked during University Challenge.

He moved to the very edge of the sofa, rolled up his sleeves, listened intently to the question.... and came up with the wrong answer. Oh my! He doesn't walk on water after all. The Corbynistas must be devasted.

I am beginning to suspect that Paul Daniels appears to be practising magic from beyond the grave. That is the only explanation I have for the strange behaviour of the Strictly judges.

Last week, Head Judge, Shirley Ballas, bestowed her invisible Latin Queen Crown on Debbie McGee and last Saturday, Craig behaved in a manner I would only reserve for God, if he appeared to me.

After Debbie and Giovanni finished their tango, when it was Craig’s turn to comment, he stood up and, and in a trance-like manner, walked to Debbie and sank to his knees, rocking back and forth with his arms outstretched. Poor Giovanni went in for a hug before realising that it was Debbie who was being lauded.

What can we expect this evening? Darcy to hand over her Prima Ballerina title to Debbie or for Bruno to genuflect and cross himself in front of her?

Someone needs to remind the judges that there is a reason why they are given paddles with numbers on them. Use them to show your appreciation. That is all  we ask - not your cringeworthy, OTT, physical demonstrations.

I thought that Anton's flamingo pink wardrobe for this Samba with Ruth was about as funny as it was going to get. I was wrong. His flared trousers for his Paso Doble were something to behold. He could probably harbour a herd of bulls in them.

He then proceeded to stumble and fall at the end of their routine, taking Ruth with him. Not that she appeared to mind. She gleefully jumped on him and proceeded to straddle him. Tut, tut BBC (and Ruth), it's a family show.

That's the problem with live shows. No editing. I would give good money to have that particular scene edited out. On second thoughts, maybe not. After all, I pay my licence fee.

Until next week, try and keep it light!

I

Lighter take on the news

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Kate and William are pregnant (again)! The exclamation mark is not because they are expecting another baby, it's because I actually
said William was pregnant...call it pc or bc (bullcrap in case you are having a slow day). I won't be offended if you go with the latter, in fact, I'll be surprised if you don't.

Kate suffers from Hyperemesis Gravidarum, a condition during pregnancy that is far more difficult to tolerate than to pronounce. Unfortunately, and often misguidedly,  a lot of women claim to have suffered from the condition while pregnant.

Now it's not like me to rant (I know.... I wrote that with a straight face) but unless you have managed to only have tiny bites of a Nutrigrain bar through the day - and heaved a sigh of relief at managing to keep it down - and unless you have managed to have the tiniest of sips of water and keep it down even though it tastes as if a teaspoon of rust has been stirred in it - and unless you have lost a stone and a half in weight, I have news for you - you have not suffered from HG.

How do I know? Exactly 18 years and 9 months ago, I suffered from HG when I was pregnant with my second daughter. I had severe morning sickness with my first, nearly 21 years ago, something that a lot of women who claim to have had HG, experience. Trust me, been there, done that and wearing the tee shirt that says, 'I know the difference.'

Now, if you are intelligent - and you must be since you are reading my blog - you will have deduced that we have two 'big' birthdays in our household this year. It is like having Christmas twice over, both in celebration and expense!

Guess who has decided to lift his halo and give it a polish? JC. Not the original JC - his halo is untarnished and has been for 2000 years. I am talking of Britain's very own JC. Yes, Jeremy Corbyn has decided to practise veganism. Someone should introduce him to Gwynnie Paltrow. I can just see her turning into a Corbynista.

I would like to write some more but alas I can't. I love the word 'alas,' I wish it would make a comeback. No other word expresses regret better than 'alas'!

Anyway, back to my reason for the slightly shorter blog. I was gutting a trout the other day (I hope you are suitably impressed) and for some reason - could be that I was holding my breath and there was a lack of oxygen going to my brain -when my right hand mistook the Peter pointer finger of my left hand for the fish's guts and tried to slice off the top of it.

Don't panic Mum, it is okay but slightly cumbersome (another word that should make a comeback) to type, with good old Peter pointing to the ceiling. Just as well it was Peter pointer and not Toby tall!

Until next week, try and keep it light! Alas, I won't - not with two big birthdays this month.

Lighter take on this week's news

May day! May day! May may not be PM for too long. While Jeremy Corbyn  Morris dances in his office with his Corbynistas, almost as if he has won the election, Theresa May must be rueing the day she went for a walk in Snowdonia, where she got 'clarity' and 'inspiration' to call for a snap election.

We all know that Mount Snowdon didn't gently bend towards her to whisper in her ear, 'Call a snap election, Tess'. We know that it was Nick Timothy and Fiona Hill, her aides who did the whispering. And like all whisperers who give bad advice, they have resigned.

In one of my blog pages 'Reflections on the Week' I mentioned that David Cameron handed Theresa May a gun loaded with just one shot with article 50 engraved on it, which was fired on 29th March, 2017.  Well, turns out there were two shots and after firing the first, she later aimed the other, with 'snap election' engraved on it, and shot it right at her designer clad foot.

She is limping along, using the DUP as a crutch to stay in power. Yes, the DUP - the homophobic, climate change denying, Pope bashing political party. How long will that honeymoon last, before, to use the terminology of that great linguist, Gywneth Paltrow, the two parties uncouple.

Public money to the tune of 130 million pounds was spent on this election. Imagine how many food bank shelves could be stocked with that money or to put it in language TM might understand, imagine how many designer shoes could be bought with that money. A lot of money spent, for her to discover that she is not as popular or as strong or as stable as she and her party imagined. A painful, expensive and ego bruising discovery.

Personally, I think it was her reckless admission of the naughtiest thing she has ever done - running through wheat fields. I bet it was those irate farmers' votes she lost. And who can blame them? They labouriously spend hours growing their crop, they put up scarecrows to deter the birds and then what happens? A young Theresa May decides to run through them!

She could have said that she nicked her father's cigarette butts (if indeed he smoked) or that she pulled a chair from under someone... but no, she had to be cutting edge and admit to running through fields! 

In the meanwhile, Jeremy Corbyn's grin these days could almost rival Donald Trump's when he met the Pope. Talking of which, it's a shame JC is not yet in contention to be the Prime Minister because he has a plan on how to handle Donald Trump when he is being contrary. 

He says that he would write 'Sorry mate, you're wrong'. This he says would be a handwritten letter. As if the tangerine who tweets would be impressed by that. In his lovely vision of the world, JC probably imagines that Trump's little hands would tremble as he opens the handwritten letter and then he would be so overcome with repentance at his contrariness that he would vow never, ever to be contrary again.

Corbyn missed his calling. He should be a writer of children's fairy tales - they all have happy endings. Real life.....not so much.

Until next week, try and keep it light.

A lighter look at the news

If you live under a rock and have only just surfaced, Pippa Middleton got married yesterday. Yay. True to rumours that she did not want Meghan Markle there, Harry was on his own, at least in the morning. Apparently, Miss Markle made an appearance in the evening. Perhaps because all slim brunettes look the same after sundown.

If, indeed, the reason for not inviting Ms. Markle to the wedding was to avoid any limelight being taken away from the bride, I am afraid it did not work. But then Pips could hardly not invite her own nephew and niece to her wedding.

Yes, little George and Charlotte did to their Aunty, what their Aunty(and her clingy white dress) did to their mummy on her wedding day - they well and truly stole the limelight!

Now, I am not one to judge (as you can tell from my blog) but I got the impression that Kate would be one of those Mums who has one of those fixed 'isn't my child wonderful?' smiles on their face, even when their child is being anything but wonderful.

Turns out, she is not. There was much shushing and finger pointing, particularly in the direction of her first born, as he gleefully stood on the bride's train, which he followed with a royal tantrum, after being told off, no doubt. 

Talking of childish behaviour, Harry Styles apparently is all grown up now. How do I know this? Well, in a recent interview in the Sunday Times magazine, he informed the general public that he has taken off the hat that is usually and jauntily placed on his head and thrown it in the political ring.

Now don't be alarmed. He is not joining politics, all he is doing is supporting the party that 'opposes Brexit the most'. Not sure if he is being coy and not naming the party, or he couldn't bother himself to find out which party that is.

Now, if you are a Brexiteer, you should be very, very scared. After all, Mr. Styles has the potential to garner millions of votes....... but then, 14 to 16 year olds are not allowed to vote, so perhaps not.

In the meanwhile, the Conservatives appear not to be heading for a landslide win, as their Manifesto is not very popular. So, they are still strong but not very stable.

Perhaps this is what appears to have spurred Jeremy Corbyn on, as his speeches are getting more and more animated. I recently saw him on TV, giving  a speech, where he kept hopping from one foot to the other, as if Diane Abbott was lightly running a feather on the soles of his feet. 

So for now, try and keep it light.....and if you can't, make sure it's worth the calories!

LIGHTER NEWS

      

A lighter look at the news

Sorry that I haven't been posting 'The lighter news' for a couple of weeks (I flatter myself that some people actually read my blogs).  I wasn't feeling very light and, truth be told, not feeling too light even now.

Since my last post, Theresa May has called for a snap election and typically, crackle and pop have followed. Apparently, she felt that she would be better able to negotiate Britain’s exit out of the EU if she had a strong and stable government. Nothing to do with the strong and stable lead of over 20 points the Tories are supposed to have had at the time.

Well, Theresa may or may not win and I may or may not stop making these silly may puns in this month of May and belatedly I realise you may have stopped reading this.

In my first ever post on Brexit, I remember mocking the word ‘Brexit’ - ‘it sounds like a bran remedy for constipation’ is what I wrote. At the time, I didn’t think that it could get any worse, but guess what? It just did. Yes, I give you ‘hard Brexit’.

Apparently, that is what you will get if you vote for Theresa May. And, surprise, surprise, if you want a ‘soft Brexit’, you should vote for Jeremy Corbyn. So, who on earth do people who are regular (yours truly included) vote for?

Also, if the Tories represent ‘hard Brexit’ and Labour represent ‘soft Brexit’ does that make UKIP ‘bunged up Brexit’ and the Lib Dems ‘runny Brexit’? I do apologise for getting carried away but blame it on the person who came up with the word Brexit in the first place.

In the meanwhile, guess who has decided to cash in and is bracing himself (he will need much bracing) for a comeback in an attempt to start an anti-Brexit movement. None other than Tony Blair.

The man is never short for words, so I won’t bother with most of what he said except that according to him, he  is motivated, passionate and wants to reconnect with the people. He also says that he knows that he will get a bucket of wotsit poured all over him when he sticks his head out the door.

Awww, bless him for being so optimistic, using words like ‘reconnect’ and anticipating just one bucket of wotsit being poured over him. Well Mr. Blair, I suggest that, in preparation of the gallons of wotsits that will be poured over you, you wear a heavy duty Mac (Nicola Sturgeon could recommend a good one I am sure) before you poke your head out of the woodwork...oops, I mean door.

Talking of Ms.Sturgeon, on a visit to a Pre-school in Aberdeenshire,she said that only the SNP could stop Theresa May from having a free hand to do whatever she wants to do.

’We have got to make sure that there is a check on the Tories and that there is a strong opposition and strong voices for Scotland’. I am sure those 3 and 4 year olds were reverted. Whatever happened to ‘Goldilocks and the Three Bears’ or, before Ms. Sturgeon doest protest that it is too English, ‘Katie Morag’?’

In the meanwhile, the Shadow Home Secretary, Diane Abbott was interviewed by Nick Ferrari on LBC Radio about proposed Police funding for 10,000 extra Police Officers and proceeded to make a right royal pig’s ear of it.

She has this rather distracting habit of rolling her eyeballs towards the ceiling (or the sky if outdoors) contemplatively, before and intermittently while, answering questions.

Since this was radio, I can only imagine that she did her upward gaze but as there was nothing to contemplate, since she didn’t have the answer, she desperately plucked one from thin air, coming up with the ridiculous sum of £300,000, thereby rewarding our potential, hardworking Police Officers the grand annual sum of £30 a year.

Making another attempt at plucking from thin air, she then came up with £80 million. Once again, coming up with a slightly better, if still ridiculous, sum of £8,000 a year.

But that wasn’t the most shocking or hysterical part for me. I read this in a newspaper article (before listening to it online) which also proceeded to say that Jeremy Corbyn defended his former lover!

This made me do a Diane Abbott, my eyeballs, preceded by my eyebrows, shot upwards, but not contemplatively - I wouldn’t do that to my imagination.

Finally, while on a sad and reflective walk with a friend, this creature, for a brief second, brought some respite. Let me introduce you to the Robert de Niro of the bovine world!

"Are you lookin' at me?"

Until next time, try and keep it light.

       

              

A lighter look at this week’s news

I couldn’t have asked for a better start to my decision to comment on the week gone by, when first thing on Monday morning, I heard that the Oscar was given to the wrong film! Thank you Oscars for giving me something to chuckle about on a Monday morning. Makes the embarrassing mistakes we mere mortals commit seem trivial by comparison.

Apparently, the egos of Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway squabbled backstage as to who should read out the winning film. Mr. Beatty and his ego won, something I am sure he wished to God had not happened as he hummed and hawed over the winner. Then, with the whole world watching, he decided to take Ms. Dunaway down with him.

Appearing to be lost in La La Land herself, she declared La La Land the winner. All the La La Landers trouped joyously to the stage but midway through a speech, defeat was snatched from the jaws of victory.They hadn't la la landed the Oscar for best film after all.

Moonlight was declared the rightful winner and the rest is history which will be repeated again and again on you tube and ‘most embarrassing moment’ programmes.

Mercifully, no trumped up news to comment on this week. Donald Trump’s speech to Congress wasn’t a piece of fiction unlike some of his previous speeches and the proof of this is that he actually spoke about the terrorist attacks in Belgium, France and Germany without adding Sweden to the list. Well done Mr Trump.

On this side of the pond, the Labour Party managed to lose a seat that they held for 80 years.  When will their leader Jeremy Corbyn wake up and smell the coffee? He most likely drinks green tea, so the answer is probably never.

I suggest he boards a half empty Virgin train, plonks himself on the floor, whips off his rose tinted glasses and ponders on the future of the Labour Party. Just don’t treat it as a photo op  this time Mr C.

On a personal note, nothing to rave or rant about; do you have something to rave or rant about this past week? Or a lighter twist to a news story?