A lighter look at the news

 

 

 We are told as we get older that we should start learning new skills to maintain our intellect. This advice must have come to the attention of President Stable Genius from across the pond. 

He probably decided to look into the matter in an attempt to not just maintain, but to sharpen, his two brain cells. It is common knowledge that two of the best ways to do this is either to learn a new language or a musical instrument.  He appears to have settled on the latter and is said to be honing his skills on the Harp.

He and the Harp appear to be making sweet music but I do not think that the First Lady is enjoying the tune that is coming out of the Harp. 

I see a future Netflix documentary in the making or maybe even a dramatisation, not unlike The Crown.

Talking of The Crown, apparently, Harry and Meghan are returning to the UK. Also, apparently, according to a YouGov poll, 87% of the British Public do not care one way or another. Unfortunately, the remaining 13% are clambering over every rooftop that is available, with a megaphone and screaming their outrage.

They screamed their outrage whilst Harry and Meghan lived in the UK, they screamed their outrage when they left, they screamed their outrage whilst they were in the US and they are screaming their outrage now that they are set to return. 

One can only deduce that anything and everything about this couple makes them apoplectic with rage. Begs the question, why?

A British man leaves his country with this wife and child to live in her country for six years and then decides to return to his country with said wife and their two children. 

What part of that makes the media and trolls so incensed that they lose all perspective? I wouldn't even hazard a guess, lest I get dragged into the quagmire of vitriolic hate that exudes so effortlessly from them. 

However, I confess to being mildly curious about their decision to return. There seems to be no line that the media won't cross when it comes to speculating, fabricating and judging their every move. 

When that jowly broadcaster confessed in an article that he hated Meghan on a cellular level and dreamed of the day when she was made to parade naked around every town in Britain, whilst crowds shouted 'Shame,' I fully expected that the tables would be turned on him and most of the nation would shout 'Shame' at him. Sadly, that didn't happen. 25,000 people did complain and if memory serves, he ended up with an insignificant slap on the wrist.

But fear not. He is said to have been horrified at the hurt it caused and that he would be careful in future. Maybe the 25,000 people who complained, helped him come to that decision. 

Or maybe we will have a better chance of seeing a pig fly, than any of these hacks feel any remorse over some of the ways in which their relentless pursuits of some people end up in tragedy. 

Back to keeping things light. When you were young, did you ever want to be a sports star? And if you did, was being a Finger Wrestling Champion on top of your wish list? I don't blame you if it wasn't or if you actually haven't heard of the sport. So, let me enlighten you on my newly acquired knowledge of Finger Wrestling.

The two contestants taking part sit opposite each other, with a table in between. It involves both of them using their middle fingers (of course) around which a leather band is wrapped. They then have to try and knock each other over the side. Such fun!

It is said to be excruciating but it is not specified whether that is for the participants or the spectators. On the plus side, it took place in Bavaria, so there probably was enough beer to make sure that no one was feeling any pain, be they spectators or contestants.

Until next time, try and keep it light. 

 

 

 

  

The lighter side of Sussexit

Once upon a time not so long ago, a beautiful actress met a young Prince and to cut a long, real life fairy tale, short, he asked her to marry him and she said yes.

She was truly a modern day Cinderella.

The people of the Kingdom started a Go Fund Me page to raise money for what was to be the most memorable day in the Prince's and Cinderella's lives but most importantly, in the lives of the people in the Kingdom. 

The day of the wedding arrived and the people were deliriously happy. 

Unfortunately, just like the original Cinderella, the bride had a mean family, who sold mean stories to people with cameras and computers, who then sold it to the people in the kingdom and all over the world.

The people read the stories but most of them did not mind. Some even felt sorry for the bride and her Prince. At least she has a lovely mother, they consoled themselves and each other. 

They looked forward to her doing her duty, walking beside her husband, looking pretty and mostly keeping her mouth shut.

But then she started to have opinions and, goodness gracious, she dared to share them. How dare she preach about the environment and then travel by air to her destinations, the people cried, forgetting to be happy.

How dare she not emulate that young climate change activist, Greater Iceberg and put her money where her mouth is, they cried crossly. 

If Cinderella and her Prince were going to preach to them, the decent thing to do, would be to travel in a zero emission sail boat, like Ms.Iceberg.

However, the people were not as cross as the special people with cameras and computers. Now they were really cross. 

They were almost apoplectic with crossness. 

The crossest of all the cross people with cameras and computers, was a person called Pisst Jargon. He could not stop saying mean things about Cinderella and slowly, some people started to become almost as mean as the evil people with cameras and computers.

Then the couple were expecting a baby and people were  happy once again. But not all the people were happy.  Some people were unhappy because they thought that she had a pretend bump and was expecting a pretend baby.

When she had a real baby, they were cross because the new parents did not share pictures of the real baby (except for a foot) and they did not tell the people who the fairy Godparents of the baby were.

When Cinderella and her Prince were out and about with the people of the Kingdom and with the people of the world, Cinderella kept touching her Prince's back to remind him that he had a spine. She knew that he was very upset because some people said that he had lost his spine.

Like all first time parents, they got very tired and decided to go on holiday to her Country.  But then they remembered her mean relatives. So, they went to the country next to hers, the land of King  Cointreau.

A few weeks later, they returned to the Kingdom to say that they would like to quit, as they quite liked living in the country next to hers and would like to spend quite a lot of time there.

Also, the Go Fund Me page could now be closed. Most people were now cross and sad.

Once again, the crossest and the saddest of all, were the evil people with cameras and computers. 

Their fairy tale was changing before their eyes and they sadly and crossly watched as their English Prince prepared to escape across the pond with the goose that laid their golden eggs.

However, not everyone was unhappy.  Indeed two men were so happy, they kept reaching into their pockets and touching their 'Get out of jail free' card.   

They were the Prince's Uncle, Prince Randy and the leader of Cinderella's Country, King Frump.

(Prince Randy was under suspicion for his inability to sweat and King Frump was wanted for impersonating a peach).

Until next time, try and keep it light.

A lighter look at the news - 19/5/18

As if it wasn't bad enough that Meghan Markle had to go through the stress of her father's ill health and last minute inability to attend her wedding, guess who piped up to give her two bit worth (and I am being generous).

It was, of course, estranged half-sister Samantha, mastermind behind the staged photos of their Dad and 'author' of Diary of Princess Pushy's Sister, who insinuated that either her Sister (Princess Pushy) or Kensington Palace, have been putting pressure on her not to talk to the media.

Such a shame that they haven't succeeded so far. 

Since I have the time, but certainly not the inclination, this is a condensed version of her diatribe. 'This is not Great Britain. I am a US Citizen. In this Country we have Freedom of Speech'.

All I would say to that is, 'This is Great Britain and in this Country we have Freedom of turning a Deaf Ear to Freedom of Speech, when 'speech'  is merely words-strung-together-with-intent-to-malign'.

Paradoxically, she claims to have bought a wedding present for her sister. I wish she had consulted me first. I would've suggested a present that would be priceless, yet not cost a dime. Her Silence. 

Said silence would be golden to the Royal couple (and the rest of the world).

Actually, I am being rather harsh. She does seem concerned about their father, Thomas Markle. 'He is all on his own', she laments. 

Well, here's another suggestion Samantha (I am on a roll) - hop across the border and keep him company, like the dutiful daughter you claim to be.That way you may also avoid getting hurt in paparazzi chases (real and imagined). 

Another way to avoid getting hurt of course, is to stop chasing them.

Meanwhile, the other sterling sibling, Tom Markle Jnr. is in Britain. Apparently, he hasn't thought twice about putting a border and an ocean, between their convalescing father and himself.

'Open letters' Tom has, unashamedly, gone from being scathing to grovelling. Something tells me a reality show on the Malevolent Markles is not too far off.

Talking of families and reality shows, Kim Kardashian got into a spot of trouble for sucking a lollipop, albeit, a lollipop of the appetite suppressant kind.

She enthused how amazing they were, on Instagram, with a pic of her sucking on one. She urged her followers to hurry up and buy them, as the first 500 were up for a 15% discount.

Not free - just 15%. Perhaps that was all the company could afford,  after paying Kim her touting fee. Nevertheless, the we-are-not-amused brigade came out in full force.

The most vociferous among them was actress Jameela Jamil, who, besides calling Kim a toxic influence on young girls, proceeded to say, 'Maybe don't take appetite suppressants, and eat enough, to fuel your brain.'

That is rather harsh, considering Kim does look like she eats enough. It's not her fault that it goes in the opposite direction to her brain.

A few thoughts on the Wedding of the Year (don't want to hurt Will and Kate's feelings by calling it the Wedding of the Decade).

Meghan looked stunning in her dress, which was classically beautiful. Someone on social media criticised it for not being Royal enough, due to the lack of frills.

Here's a news flash - Meghan is a modern woman, who doesn't need frills to look or feel like a Princess. Having said that, I think the 15 foot veil was a brave choice, considering one of her page boys was Prince George.

Did she not hear of his attempts to gleefully jump on the train of his Auntie Pippa's wedding dress, when he was her page boy?

Perhaps she did, which is why she chose two older (and, more importantly, bigger) page boys to help manage it (and George).

In my opinion, one of the stars today, was the Very Reverend Bishop Michael Curry, who delivered an animated, yet significant, sermon, not just to the Couple, but to the world at large.

However, the real star to me, was the Mother of the Bride, Doria Ragland - the only family representing Meghan.

She was dignified, calm, graceful and ever so slightly emotional - not an easy job to pull off in normal circumstances, much less, when the eyes of almost 2 billion people are upon you.

I think I will take up Yoga again. 

Alas! I do have a rant. Nothing to do with the Wedding per se but everything to do with its coverage.

The constant zooming in on James Corden and the Beckhams, got on my last nerve. In fact, my last nerve doesn't exist any longer - it gave up after the 105th zooming in on the Beckhams.

David Beckham looked like he couldn't see the wood from the tattoos and Victoria appeared to be sucking on a sour version of Kim Kardashian's appetite suppressing lollipop.

Nevertheless, an amazing celebration of a lovely couple's wedding,  with glorious weather to match.

Good luck to Meghan and Harry, the spanking new Duke and Duchess of Sussex


Until next week, try and keep it light!