Weekly news - rave or rant?

Saturday, 7 March 2020

Once upon a time on Planet Earth....

Once upon a time there was a planet called Earth. And on this planet called Earth, there lived many, many creatures. But the creatures that walked upright on two limbs, known as legs, considered themselves the owners of the planet called Earth, on account of them possessing a brain that they considered superior.

These creatures with superior brains called themselves human beings and sometimes they were collectively known as mankind, which was silly because there were women and there were gender fluid human beings as well. And besides, they were not always kind.

They used their superior brains to invent and discover many helpful things, like fire and something round, known as the wheel. Unfortunately, they also invented something called money (those who were too lazy to use two-syllable words called it cash). This invention sometimes made them not so kind.

They were especially not so kind to their planet called Earth and committed a crime called pollution, against their planet. This crime called pollution, made such a big hole in a layer of air that used to be called Zone, that it is now called Ozone.

A young girl called Miss Thunberg, from a place on planet Earth called Sweden, is very cross with mankind (and women and gender fluid humans) and she is trying to save planet Earth but this has made some old men (one named after a type of food called Meat Loaf and another named after a duck called Donald) even more unkind.

But the Swedish girl is too cross to care. The crime called pollution is causing the planet called Earth to get warm and this warmness is causing her distant relatives, the Icebergs, to thaw. 

Everyone, including some very clever humans called scientists,  agree with her, that it is not fair.

The clever humans called Scientists, have saved humans from many diseases. They have spaces called laboratories, where they use their superior brains, to find cures for human diseases.

Sadly, for humans and especially for human scientists,  there are also things called viruses, which cannot be seen by the naked eye (or even a bespectacled one). These things called viruses, also have virus scientists, who work in virus laboratories which cannot be seen by the naked eye (or even a bespectacled one).

The viruses have a mission to stop humans from thinking they are the whiskers of cats. So, the worker viruses are made  stronger through the research of the clever virus scientists. Sometimes they use pigs, sometimes birds and sometimes they infect humans directly.

The most recent portion that made the worker viruses stronger, was discovered by a clever virus scientist called Covid, a 19 year old prodigy virus.

The worker viruses decided not to call themselves Covid-19 because it sounded too scary. They knew from experience that the best way to get to the humans is to lull them into what is known as false security.

They decided to think of something that most humans liked, all across planet Earth. They unanimously came up with the answer - beer. To honour their scientist Covid, they looked for a beer that began with the letter 'C'.

They first thought of Carlsberg, but there was a chance that Carlsberg could be related to that nice Swedish girl and seeing that she was already upset about the Icebergs, they decided to look for another name.

Finally, they settled on Corona. All the worker viruses took the name Corona and pledged to travel all across planet Earth on their mission to cause chaos and misery.

They appear to be succeeding. When they have a spare moment, the Coronas send each other messages that go viral. The funniest is the fact that even though they do not cause human tummies to be upset, the humans are running out of toilet paper.

If this carries on, the humans  are going to need more paper, which means they are going to need more trees, which means they should not have cut down so many trees, which means they (particularly those old men) should have listened to that lovely (though very cross) Swedish girl. 

Until next time, try and keep it light.... except when washing your hands. 





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