This week, I am going to start with a piece of news that is so light, it is positively frothy! Apparently, a few days back, Louis Tomlinson (of One Direction in case you’re asking yourself ‘who?’, I’ve just saved you a google search) was arrested for assault.
Now, if you care enough to jump to conclusions, let me say that it wasn’t a Bieber like attack, the reason here was quite noble. He was squabbling with some paparazzi (shades of Bieber I agree) when three girls took this opportunity to attack his girlfriend. Not sure why, perhaps between the two and a half brain cells they shared between them, they thought they could replace her and he wouldn’t notice.
LT rushed heroically to his girlfriend’s rescue and in the process elbowed one of the girls (the one with the half brain cell) in the eye. Filled with indignation, she immediately turned judge, jury, victim and prosecutor all in one, as she proclaimed, ‘he hit me, he is going to jail.’ Yes love and you’re going to get an invitation to join MENSA.
Not sure if the next piece of news is trumped up or not but Donald Trump has claimed that Obama has tapped his tower. Not literally of course, he claims that Obama had the phones in Trump Tower tapped.
I think he tweeted these accusations. He does use three parts of his body to communicate - his mouth (to converse), his thumbs (to tweet) and his hands (to make small talk).
There’s some good news for Londoners. They can apparently look forward to a very peaceful existence in the very near future. The reason? A Shaman is set to change London into the Pollyanna capital of the world. What is a Shaman I hear you ask. Not for the first time, I will save you a google search. A Shaman is a person who has access to good and evil spirits.
Now, this man is not any Shaman, he is Gwyneth Paltrow’s Shaman. He claims that Londoners drown out their emotions with alcohol and cigarettes. I can understand drowning in alcohol but I would imagine experiencing a whole lot of burns from cigarette drowning but then again who am I to argue with a Shaman.
According to him, he realised that he had special talents at a very young age because he could talk to trees and flowers.Now, I am trying very hard to hide it but this does fill me with much excitement. You see, I think I can talk to trees and flowers.
In fact, I can go one better. I am pretty darn sure yesterday as I passed by some daffodils, they nodded at me. I nodded back and it was a very special moment. The daffs could’ve been assisted by the wind of course but why would I let the truth get in the way of an amazing story.
Apparently, when Gwynnie invited him, he assumed it was for an interview for her health website (gobble di goo or something like that). Turns out, it was just for a chat. Awwwww. According to one or the other (or perhaps both) they are now like brother and sister.
The one thing I’ll give the Shaman, he is 42 years old but you could easily reverse those numbers and not doubt his age. Perhaps big sis Gwyneth
whips up her £275/- smoothies for him when they hang out.
So, all you Londoners, your days of cynicism, guzzling booze and puffing non stop at cigarettes are numbered. You are soon to be shiny, happy people. Isn’t that a terrifying thought?
Rant of the week
I honestly despair at this but some young, unmarried couples in Kerala, India were beaten up by right wing nationalists, while the police watched or turned a blind eye. Previously, similar right wing nationalists attacked couples celebrating Valentine’s day.
Thank goodness in this case, the seven Policemen have been punished and I hope this is a lesson to the rest of the narrow minded hypocrites who claim “flaunting their relationships is totally contrary to Indian culture”.
First of all, Indian culture is so diverse that saying something so all encompassing doesn’t even make sense. Second of all,that’s rich coming from the land that gave the world the Kamasutra.
Rave of the week
At last Katie Hopkins our modern day Pinocchio, has got her comeuppance. I could go into details but all I will say is that she is going to be paying through her prominent nose, damages of £24,000/- to food blogger Jack Monroe, plus substantial legal costs.
Perhaps this will stop her vitriol or perhaps not. Addiction to attention seeking at all costs without a second thought to collateral damage, is a hard habit to break.
Until next week ……..
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