I was just cooking dinner and decided, with Christmas Eve almost upon us, that I would listen to some Christmas songs. After listening to Michael Buble and the Puppini Sisters jingle their bells, an unfamiliar one came on. I would hazard a guess that it was a girl pop group. One of them implored Santa (although it seemed almost like a threat) to please get her someone special for Christmas but to make sure that he'd still be around next year. In other words, a boyfriend with at least a one year guarantee.
Imagine putting all that responsibility on a man whose sole profession is to simply work all year around, with elves, to produce toys for children all around the world (with the expert supervision of Mrs Claus of course). And then to have this grown woman, not only whingeing about wanting someone but inserting her own terms and conditions.
This got me thinking about other Christmas songs. For example, 'All I want for Christmas Are My Two Front Teeth.' As I said, Santa provides toys for children globally and it is an all year round job. It may take one night to deliver them (thank goodness for timezones) but it is a mammoth task. When exactly do you think he will get the time to get a degree in dentistry?
Don't get me wrong, if it is a self concious seven year old making that wish, they get a pass. But, if you are an adult who imbibed too much of the happy juice at your Christmas party and face planted on the dance floor, do not bother Santa. Shell out whatever eyewatering sum you have to, at your emergency dentist's appointment. Lessons will be learnt.
Don't even get me started on Eartha Kitt and the copy cats that followed (I'm looking at you Kylie and Buble), with their transparent flattery. Calling an older man of indeterminate age, 'Santa Baby' and using suggestive innotation, is not going to work. It might've worked if your list was somewhat practical- most men are suseptible to flattery - but that list for a sable coat, a yacht and a '54 convertible, is ridiculous. The miracle worker is the child that Mary gave birth to, not the jolly man in the red suit who takes modest requests from children.
As if that wasn't enough, demanding that he hurry down the chimney, is downright rude and unthoughtful. I suspect that sliding down millions of chimneys, particulary when one is portly, probably causes quite a lot of stress. I have heard a rumour that poor Santa goes on a ketogenic diet at the start of December. He really doesn't need you urging him to hurry down your chimney, with your materialistic gifts from the North Pole.
The one song that encapsulates the spirit of Christmas and shows us Santa's true nature, is 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer'. He obviously had a diversity plan in place when he hired Rudolph. What he did not count on, was the shallow nature of the rest of his reindeer. So, wise old Santa chose Rudolph to steer his sleigh on the most important night of the year and lo and behold (and possibly to ensure their future employment) the rest of the sycophantic reindeer 'loved' Rudolph after that. Oh deer, how very shallow of them.
On a more poignant note, we have lost some wonderful artists whose Christmas songs will live with us for many years. Maybe it is coincidence, but poignantly they've passed away around this time of the year; Dean Martin and 'Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!' (25.12.1995), Kirsty Maccoll and Fairy Tale of New York (18.12.2000), George Michael and Last Christmas (25.12.2016)and now Chris Rea and Coming Home for Christmas(22.12.2025).
Ultimately, Christmas Carols and Songs are part of the festive season and inspite of poking fun, I guess it would just not feel like Christmas if we didn't hear them on a loop at this time of the year.
Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Fingers crossed that the coming year brings lighter news and more peaceful times.
